So long, and good riddance!

Yes, so long, fake friend. 

Hey readers. Today's post is going to be a nasty one. I apologize in advance. 

This person that I am referring to probably doesn't read my blog anymore since she decided to throw away our friendship over something so stupid. This person is Marion M., she is the one I was working with a few months ago and up until then, I thought we had been really good friends.

I was so wrong. The most fake piece of crap ever. 

Now that I think about it, the signs were there, I just didn't read into them. Signs like how fake she seemed when I would sometimes have one on one conversations with her. She only ever seemed interested when I had dish about a guy I was seeing. Or, girls who were hating on me because of a guy I was seeing. And, it always seemed that she would come talk to me about her other guy problems when she had them. Mind you, she's married. And, to a really good guy. He won't even keep the friendship with me because he's loyal to her, which is understandable.

But, the reason she's cut me out of her life is because I left the firm we were working at. I guess she feels like she did me a favor in getting me a job there. I had told her how unhappy I had become since it wasn't what I really wanted to do. She fake-supported me and said I had to do what I needed to for me. I believed that bitch, and when the shit hit the fan with the HR-wanna be-mom of the year, I couldn't take it, so I left. And, she is mad at me because I didn't give that horrible woman enough warning. SHE FORCED ME OUT. What the hell was I supposed to do? Stay, knowing how hated I was for doing my best? 

And, another thing. That firm is HORRIBLE! The attorney who's name is on the door is great. But his staff is shit. Their office isn't even an office. It's an old house in the middle of the ghetto. They HATE their clients, and talk shit about them after every phone call. They put on major face and sweet act, like you're getting your money's worth. Such a crock of shit. You should see how unorganized that office is. I couldn't find files for days! HR lost payments left and right, AND couldn't keep track of anything. Plus, deeds that were going unrecorded for HOW LONG! It was the most unorganized, unethical law firm I've ever worked at. Not to mention how HR would forget to pay us on pay days. What the fuck is that?! OH, and the alcohol that ran rampant in that office. Some days, we hadn't even finished the business day when the secretary/receptionist was taking shots! Still answering client calls. I mean, WOW. Is that any way to operate a business?? It's no wonder they're operating out of a house. No sensible attorney powerhouse would stand for that kind of behavior. 

Anyway, I'll wrap this up here. I'm sorry that you all had to see this side of me again, but I needed to vent, and for Marion to know what I really think of her. Bridge burnt, and I could care less.

xoxo

I. Miss. You.

Something has been on my mind lately, and I've been missing him so much. I dare not say who; but, I'm pretty transparent that way. 

I'm broken.

And, I don't know if I'll ever be fixed again. I'm not writing this to get anyone's pitty. Just need to vent how I feel at the moment. It's been bugging me, and it's culminated to this post. It won't be a long one, I promise since it's after 1 a.m. 

Just that he's been on my mind so much. After it ended, I didn't give myself the proper grieving time. I jumped to seeing another guy. Then, when that didn't work out, I jumped to another. After the last one, I realized that I can't pull myself into someone else and all their baggage. I don't want to. Why would anyone want to be so vulnerable when there are so many other avenues in life that can make you feel so alive? 

He was it for me. He was the one. And, he's been gone for over 9 months now. We're still friends, but not like before. He didn't love me the way I loved him. It's sad, like I was in a fairy tale wonderland thinking all he wanted was me, too. 

I'm broken. And, I don't think I'll ever be fixed. 

xoxo

Today's chatty Cathy ...

So, I've been chatting a little with an older guy today. He says he's wanting a friend. 

Well, that's great to me. If only he really means it. And, on that note, do you, guys? When you say that you're only looking for a friend, do you really mean it? I only ask because of all the guys I've had a chat with on this site, none of them know what they're looking for. Most of them don't even know what they put in their profiles. It's always surprising to them when I reiterate what they've posted in the "what am I here for" line. "What? I don't want to date!" Oh really, mister? That's what it says in your profile. 

I mean, c'mon guys. Do you really think we're that stupid? What makes you think the girl wants to chase your sorry ass down? If you make a girl chase you, that's just one of the lowest things you can do. But, if she does chase you, well ... she's the one with issues. At least, that's my opinion. 

You all know I don't chase guys. It's humiliating, degrading, and down right trashy. If he doesn't want to be with you, and makes you play these games to win HIS affections, he is not worth it. Oh, trust me. The really young guy I talked about in my previous post, dude is ALL about the "catch me if you can" games. I don't know what makes him think I'm so desperate to be in touch. I don't even play. He'll go days at a time without communicating, and then he's chatty again. He leaves me hanging usually before he goes awol for a few days. Am I supposed to text him? I really don't care what society's protocols for these things are now days, so if I am supposed to text, sorry dude. I don't play games. Over that shit, so I wish he would go find some young twenty-something's mind to play games with. 

And, on a happier note, I just realized that I am the only one in my family who is unattached. The baby of us cousins on my mom's side just revealed she is in a relationship. And, now I'm the only single in the family, that is, who isn't a baby or a child. So, this holiday season, I will be the only one without a partner as we gather to celebrate my most favorite time of year. Me, the one who always wanted to share in that special time with someone who meant more than just hanging out to me. It's sad, yes, but it is my choice to be single. So, I can't complain much, now can I? Just some hard hitting truths rear their ugly heads, and I simply can't ignore it. I wish I could. I've officially become the black sheep spinster of my family. Awesome. 

xoxo

Who do you badoo??

I don't know who's heard of this chat/dating site, but I joined badoo one late night a few weeks ago. Why? I was bored and wanted to chat with someone, anyone. I didn't care who. Scratch that, I wanted to chat with some cute guy ... guys, who were bored, too. 

So, I made a profile, put some pics up, and BOOM! Messages started rolling in. At first, no one attractiive, but I replied anyway. A few from the islands, and some from the mainland. Most looking for something more than just friends, but nothing serious. I, on the other hand, just looking to chat out of boredom. It can be fun sometimes. 

Anyway, out of all the messages I've got in the past few weeks, there are only a few that I talk to on a regular basis. One guy is a Starbucks fiend like me, and he always asks if I got my tea for the morning ... that is, when I hear from him. Another guy is married, shy, but has told me that he wants to cheat on his wife and he wants to do that with me. He's pretty cute, young, but, I told him that I won't do that. He needs to sort things out with his marriage before I consider even meeting him. Then, there's the really young guy. He's 29, but acts like he's 22. You know you're immature when you feel the need to always point out how mature you are, and that you're almost 30. That makes no difference to me. I still see you as a child, so move on, BOY! Haha ....

Then there's the guys who are looking for "the one" to get married and have a happily ever after life. I mean, really? Nothing like finding out these guys are from somewhere other than the U.S. that makes the red flags fly. Oh, they live in the states, but it's a bit suspicious when they come on uber strong with the "I want to get to know you, and come visit" statements right out of the gate. Some guys think women are really stupid. I mean, they must if they come at you with marriage on the brain, right? Hello, can we say GREEN CARD. Marry them, and then they're citizens who can up and leave you for someone they REALLY want. 

Don't get me wrong, it's flattering, and a girl can like the attention sometimes, right? Nothing wrong with that. Not hurting anyone over here. Just having a good, chill time. I scare most of them away, anyhow. When they find out that all I want to do is make new friends online, they seem bummed that I don't want more. Oh well. I still have a good time on it. 

And, that's gonna do it for me today. I'm done. Need to spend my time doing something else now. 

xoxo

What's next?

So, I'm still on the hunt for a full time job. Well, not really. I've been taking my time, and enjoying my time off. It's been so nice, but it's about time I start making real money again. 

I have a plan, although I'm the only one that knows it, it's hard to execute when people around me think I'm doing nothing. I'm private that way, but others don't see it like that. It gets to be kind of irritating, but I'm trying to not let it shake me. 

All this time, I've been looking for work that I can do with the experience I have. Admin ... clerical ... bull shit. I don't love it, and I never will. I can do it, but it's just a waste. We all know I want to write and get paid for it. So, as I work toward that, I'm going to look for a second part time job. One that gives me more hours than my current one, of course. If I can get enough hours to qualify for benefits, great! If not, then I'll sign up for quest! I hear it's pretty good and it's very cheap. 

______________________________________________

September 9, 2009 - Wednesday

So, today I've been busy. B had a half day of school today, so after picking her up, we went on some errands and had lunch at the Gazebo Cafe in Macy's. I was on a mission to make my own portable A/C for my room. It's the hottest room in the house, so I looked on YouTube to see what I might do to cool us down. I found something inexpensive and easy to do. Rigged up a styrofoam cooler with a fan, 2 dryer vents and some frozen water bottles. The fan is kinda weak, so I'll have to return the one I got for something stronger. But, my room is cooling off as I type. Hoping it will be comfortable enough by the evening. It's already 2 or so degrees cooler than it was when we came home. 

In other news, it's SO hot. Oh wait, you all know that already. HAH!

But, really, in other news, my mind has been wandering to Colorado a lot lately.  Mostly because they have much cooler weather there, and no humidity. And, I was supposed to be living there by now. Part of me wishes I just went ahead and moved, even though SM and I broke up. But, for a long time, I didn't want to think of him. Just disgusted with myself and him, and the way it was handled. So, that made me halt all plans to move there. I kinda wish I didn't let it get to me. I really love that place. All that open space, the cooler weather, cheaper living. I think I would have done it if I knew summer was going to be this unbearable here at home. 

It hasn't ever been this bad with the heat and humidity. At least, not that I can remember. Anyway, SM has been on my mind lately, the other part of the reason my mind has been wandering to Colorado. I miss the friends we used to be, and I miss him, too. We've been chatting a bit more than usual of late, and it's been nice. But, that's all I'm gonna say about that. 

I want to write more, but it's been a few weeks since my last post, so I need to go back and read some of what I've caught you guys up on. I'll be back ...

xoxo

Long overdue

Hey readers! I'm back, and it's been much too long since my last post. Four months has come and gone. So much has been going on, and I must catch you  up! It's gonna be a long one. 

First of all, I left my job that I had started this March. I left in July, and I am so glad that I did. At first, it was going well, I liked the office, the people I worked with ..... but, the work. Eh, not so much. While I realized that this office was always very busy with a never ending high volume of work, it didn't start getting to me until a few months in. For one thing, I never knew if we'd get paid on pay days. The manager let things like paying her employees slip her mind all the time. She even tried to short change me by a week after I came back from my vacation in June. I had already been back for a month when she tried to give me half of what I earned. Like, WOT?! Not only that, but I was expected to do work on my own time outside the office with my own equipment and not get paid for it. She said "anything you need to do to keep up during the work day." I mean, WOW. Does this sound good to anyone? 

Then, I thought about it, and it hit me that the rest of the office people were complete and total workaholics. I did not fit in with these people. They are passionate and LOVE what they do there. I am not a workaholic, especially not for a place that works you to the bone. Oh, and then tells you that you CAN'T take any time off to do anything with your kid. They appear to be family oriented, but are not at all. Even though the manager, who is married to the founding attorney, has a 4 year old son and takes off all the time to do things with his school to appear like the best mom in the world. What a piece of rubbish. 

So, after that fun conversation, I really started to think.  

I finally came to the realization that I didn't want to waste anymore time doing something that I don't love. My plan was to stay there until I was able to obtain a meaningful position to me doing work that I not only like, but love. This place was NOT it. And, I suppose performance in my work went downhill because of it. She noticed and we had another talk. She asked if I really wanted to be there, and I said no. I couldn't lie. So, I resigned. And, I think I may have lost a friend because of it. The one that got me the position there. I had no intention of leaving as soon as I did, but when you're as unhappy as I was, there was just no making it better by being somewhere you hate. 

And, that brings me to my current state of things ... job hunting again. This time, I'm making it count. No more filler positions. I'm gonna take my time to find something I love, something I'm good at. But, at the same time, I'm scared because that something could take me away from Hawaii. Though I was ready to move for a different reason, it's different this time. Not quite ready to make that jump .... yet. 

In other news, back in April, I had started seeing someone long distance. Someone from my past .... New M. I talked a little about how he contacted me earlier in the year, and, through our chats, he convinced me to give him another chance. Long distance. That should have been the first red flag. 

I tried. I did. But, he made it impossible to reciprocate his feelings. Smothered me with the pressure of being his whole world, and his happiness. Expressing how he was going to move back to Hawaii for me, and then the pressure of eventually moving to Texas, getting married and combining our families. It was all too much for me. After the first 2 months (my relationship expiration), I had to call it quits. After I came back from my trip in June, it was like all my priorities shifted. I no longer wanted the things that I wanted in my previous relationship with SM. I didn't want to be with a guy in a relationship. The thought weighed me down every time I'd think about it. The only things that mattered, that stuck out, was being able to obtain my dream job doing something in writing, and my daughter. She is and will always come first, and I cherish every moment with her. At least, trying to before she evolves into a preteen. 

Now, I've been single for about 2 months. And, I am loving it. The urge to have a man be at my side has subsided after all these years. I'm pretty sure it's gone forever. 

I might be chastised for saying that, but, whatever. 

I'll end it here. Already too long, I know. So, thanks for sticking it out and reading til the end! 

xoxo

The Next Day ....

The next day after a night of partying is usually ... how can I say? Touchy? Delicate? Rough??

Yes, we partied last night. And, pretty hard. It was a fun night with coworkers and friends ... a First Friday. Haven't been to one of those in years. I guess, by a hardcore party-er's standards, we were pretty mellow. At least, I was. I did get drunk, but it wasn't anything I couldn't handle. A few of my friends on the other hand ... well, they were visibly impaired. It was great.

It was kind of a last minute decision to go out after work, and I live on the windward side, so I didn't have a chance to go home and change for "going out" like everyone else. Well, mostly everyone else. It's ok, though. I still looked good from going straight after work. 

I hadn't planned on staying out long ... I was in it for one or two drinks, some food and fun. But, as the drinks came, and the atmosphere soaked in, I couldn't help but dive in. It was so nice being out with people I like. 
____________________________________

I started this post last Saturday. Didn't get to finish and a whole week has wooshed by! I was kind of looking forward to going out tonight, but I'm still pretty tired from the craziness of the week, so a night in with B will be amazing.

There are some other things that I can think of that would be so amazing to do tonight, too. Unfortunately they involve someone who is miles and miles away. Oh, and plus an ocean. Damn. 

xoxo

Invading your thoughts ....

What's invading my thoughts?

Work.

Yes, work. I've been at my new office going on four weeks now. I pretty much dove straight in when I started here, and I know that was expected of me since I can do the basics in my sleep. 

This field of law is different, though. I dabbled in it a few years ago, but this firm is strictly EP, Probate and Conservatorships. Diving in, head first has been the best thing. I'm learning so much, and enjoying it. It also helps that my coworkers are so easy to work with, and we all get along. 

But, now that I've been here and few weeks, and more and more has been put on my plate, work thoughts are starting to invade my home life. 

This past Friday night, I was in the shower with no particular thought in my head until ... I remembered that I was in the middle of an email to an attorney when we broke for pau hana. Mindlessly, I start thinking what I needed to finish sending him on Monday. Which led to another thought ... gotta check on the status of that affidavit and waivers ... and, then WHOA! Shut up, brain! You're not at work!!

So, this morning, I told one of my coworkers about work thoughts invading my home life. She had to laugh. Not only is our office crazy busy, but the stress level can be unbelievable. And, yes, work is going to consume you .. if you let it. But, one thing she told me, is that once that starts happening, you know you're doing well, and you like it. 

She's not wrong. I do like it. The job, the people, the work. And, I am doing well ... at least I know I can hack it. 

Look at that, it's pau hana time already. And, I feel like I just got here. Time to split!

Dreams ... again

Once again, I am posting about dreams. It's crazy sometimes how a dream can make you think... that is, when you can remember them.

This one I had early this morning. Woke from it around 5:30am with a feeling of desire for someone I had never considered that way. Ever. 

He's one of the guys that would ride with us, and we were never really close, but he's always been friendly when we'd go out. I haven't seen him in a few months, but it's always nice when we do get to hang. 

Before you jump to any conclusions, NO, I am not interested in this guy. I just find it funny how a dream can make you feel something for someone you'd never had any desire for. Maybe if he were on the market, I might make a play for him, but he isn't, so why bother? 

After coming in to work today, I briefly discuss this and dreams with one of my coworkers. She and I agree that it's symbolic of something in my life, but not sure what. Contemplating having a reading done some time soon. No, not because of this dream, but because I'm curious. I have been for a while now. Curious about what? Well, things that might happen for me down the road. The itch is not super intense, so I'm good either way. It's just a curiosity in me that is always there. 

Jumping to another thought, my clan is in war right now. Quite possibly one of the hardest we've been in yet. Seems every other war is like this now. Is it because we're all upgrading and getting stronger? Ugh. I think so. 

Don't mind me ... just had a nerdy clash moment. I love them. My clan. 

Anyway, lunch is almost over, and I have a ton of work to get done before the end of the day. I may be back later. 

xoxo 

Texas ...

Can anybody tell me anything good about Texas? I've been to San Antonio, and it was beautiful there. Wouldn't mind visiting again. But, how is the living situation? Especially the transition a Hawaii girl would have to make??

Just thinking out loud. It's open for discussion. Come one, come all. Feed me your input!

Xoxo

ATTENTION all you ....

Sometimes, I feel like I'm surrounded by them. Attention wh*res. 

Just this morning, I don't know HOW MANY of my friends posted on their fb walls this one attention-getting meme/pic, or whatever you wanna call it:

I confess that, yes, I was on my fb newsfeed briefly this morning. And, as I scrolled I came a cross a few of these. It begs the question, really? You feel the need to have so much attention because you must be lacking it in other aspects of your life, huh? 

And, then I look at who posted these. It all makes sense .. more or less. My "friends" who post shit like this only want attention. They crave it, they need it, they live on it. If it's not a post like this, it's pictures of themselves doing ... what ever. Surfing, riding, partying, or just being a selfie monster. 

See, it's things like this that keep me away from fb. Why you gotta act all aloof and clueless by putting crap like this up? Don't you know that people can see right through your bullshit? And, the ones that actually comment are worse. Feeding on each others need to be recognized and validated as someone important to YOU. My god. 

Now, before you start coming down on me for dogging these kind of attention go-getters by saying, oh, you have a blog that's all about yourself. Yes, I do have a blog, but I'm not bothering anyone with it. I'm not shoving it in anyone's face or posting that you NEED to go read my blog. Or, asking anybody to pick a number and I'll be honest with my answer. Hah! Oh please ... just making myself more irritated. 

It's late, and time for lunch. The hunger monster is coming out in blog form. Must feed.

I'll be back a little later ...

xoxo    

It's a little bit funny ....

It's just a little funny how things work out these days. If anyone is wondering what the highest form of a compliment is ... it's when you encounter a copycat. 

Everything about them screams YOU. They may not even be aware of the fact that they are trying to be like you, but in everything they say and do, it's very apparent. Whether it's something you have that they want, someone they want that you have, or they plain just love you and want to send you a pint of their blood (yeah, it's from a movie).  I am flattered when I encounter the copycat behavior, no matter what aspect of my life it happens to be. 

I see it everywhere. Not just with myself, but I see it in a certain few of my friends. And, I notice it's the people that like the masses the least. Why, oh why do people flock to us? I do have to laugh at that because I hate people. Not the ones close to me, and not my family, of course. But, I can't stand most of the masses. It's hard to tell though ... I mask it well. You'd never know it because I can be the sweetest, most polite woman you ever met. Make you think I like you even more than I actually do. Some would call that being fake, I just call it being civil, polite, even friendly. You must have this skill in order to function as a normal, accepted human being. If we all ran around like unkempt monkeys, that would be no society at all. And, believe me ... I know a great deal of them unkempt monkeys. Ha!

In any case, I am always flattered when I see a copycat. So, thank you, copycats. You are most appreciated!

xoxo

Tangled

Not the movie, the song. I was driving to work this morning when "Tangled" by Maroon 5 came on. It's a good song, and I like it. But, the lyrics speak volumes to me. I couldn't help but start to laugh as he starts singing, and the words coming out of his mouth were so remnant of my last dating fail. If there was ever a theme song for That guy, that is it. 

Hahahaha. Ha. So funny. 

"And, I've done you so wrong, treated you bad, strung you along ... Ashamed of myself. I don't know how I got so tangled!"

That line had me rollin!! Oh man. I had to smile cause I am so over that shit.

Just thought I'd share my amusement ....

Xoxo

Listen to your heart. Before ...

Care to finish that line, anyone? I really don't. Especially since I've made up my mind. And, it's onward I go.

If I listened to my heart every time I fell for a guy, I'd be a miserable pile of messy, tangled hair (cause my hair is long) just hoping, waiting, wanting him to turn back my way, and come back for me. But, we all know that it doesn't work like that. At least, not when we want it to.

For me, I see change years after a guy has left me behind. Not with all of them (thank god), but with some ... and it seems more often than not. And, when it happens, I always question "why?" What has happened in the past few years to make them realize that it's me they want?

I still don't have the answer, even though they always tell me it's because we had so many good times together. And, that I'm still so beautiful. Gee, thanks for noticing, guys. Too bad you didn't appreciate it when ya had me. But, it still doesn't make for a real, true answer. And, not one of them can really show me why. That's mostly my fault though. It's hard to give a guy a chance when you don't feel that way anymore. It really is. Another thing is, I used to be famous for giving just about any guy a chance. Even if I wasn't instantly attracted, I was open to the possibility. What I've found in being so open to a relationship with just anyone is that it will eventually fizzle. And, I'm always to blame for that. I have to be physically attracted almost right off the bat. Seems shallow, but it's the damn truth. It doesn't go very far if I'm not. And, if I start seeing a guy that's LEAVING the island, forget it. There can't be anything real with someone like that. SM excluded cause he WAS living here for 5 years before he left. And, we were good friends first. We still are. Even though he sort of cracked me (didn't break me, cause if he did, I'd still be whining about it), it didn't take very long to get over it, and go back to being friends. It also helped that H was there to swoop me off my feet. And, I think that's all he was meant to do.   

Kinda sad, though because for those who don't know me, I'm not the type of girl to linger in the moment. Not for long, that is. I've dated a few guys who made it clear that all they wanted was the attention. Even after they clearly didn't want to be with me, they still wanted me to chase them. Oh HELL NO. What's the fucking point?? To encourage your big fat man ego? No ... I don't think so, buddy. Go get your damn thrills from some other girl. It ain't me. 

And, I'm not pointing that at anyone directly. It's just been my experience whilst dating among the masses. Yep, you guys that I've dated and read this, you are just another guy among the mass that I've had to fight through to get to where I am. 

So, where am I? I'm in a place of change. Transition. I've been stewing, growing, biding my time in my cocoon for far too long. It's time this butterfly bursts forth and explore the furthest reaches of it's new found freedom. I haven't felt this good in a very long time. 

Yes, my dearies. I am going to listen to my heart now. It's telling me that I have a lot of good things coming. And, I know it's right.

xoxo

Backslide ....

Gonna do a little backslide right now ...

In regards to my last post .... I may have been a little hasty. Sometimes, that happens when I blog as something frustrating is happening. Also known as "word vomit."

Going forward, I don't want to linger on H ... At least posting about him will probably stop. We talked this weekend ... Really good talk. I finally know where each of us stands, and I am more than good with it. He, like me, is not looking for anything as far as relationships. I know, it makes for some entertainment when I am pursuing something with a guy, but like I said before. I am tired of the chase, getting my hopes up, and just all of it. Socially, I've started to close off .... Almost completely. I'm still on my hiatus from fb and ig, though I have been a little more active on fb this past weekend. The only thing that i'm really taking a break from there is looking at my newsfeed and notifications. I still don't want to see any of H's activity. We still talk everyday, and I prefer that contact with him anyway. It's the preferred method of "social" connectivity that I prefer now with just about anyone. Facebook is just too much of a media giant for me .... At least for the moment. 

I'm at a point in my life where I just want to connect with and be with those real people that matter to me, and who I matter to. I'm so sick of all the fake, asshat bull-shitters, and I just want to be rid of them. It's time for a cleanse .... A purge. So picky now about who I see and hang around with. It's sort of nice, and freeing, though. 

As far as H and I go, pursing anything more has reached a halt. It's okay. I still like him a lot, but he's going through a process that really only he can do. I would like to be around, but I have to deal with the fact that he might just end up forgetting me in the process. So, for now, we're friends. We're clanmates, and that's good enough for me.

xoxo

Kicked to the curb ...

Not literally, but it feels like it. Feeling pissed off at the moment. So, I'm writing.

Earlier today, I took a peek at facebook, and saw one of my friends was going riding this afternoon. I had just seen H a few days ago and he mentioned that we'd start riding again. Awesome. He's getting his riding mojo back. 

Seems I jumped the gun on it, though. I was hoping that H would see the post and want to go, too. Well, he did want to. Just not with me. Burn. 

So, when he said he just wanted to be alone today, it really hit me that he's way too emo for me. I had hoped that we could stay in touch for a while. I didn't want to lose the chance of riding together. But, he mentioned the other night that he's just too dangerous to ride with. So, I asked if we'd stop riding together. He said we'd still ride, and then the convo turned to how he started riding with me, and then how it got more fast and dangerous. Even with me on the back.

I'm thinking he just told me that as a way to pacify me. To keep me around. Well, buddy ... I'm on to you. I have no room in my life for talkers with little to no action. In the beginning, this guy was ALL about the action. And now, I'm nothing more than a little gray bubble in his text messages. Sad. 

Just makes me think ... about the time I'm quite possibly wasting on another wounded bird that may or may not heed any of my advice. Or, might just put me down to never pick me up again. It's probably best that I just forget all this happened. I think he'd be fine if we just went our separate ways. I'm not as special as he made it seem when we first met, so why hesitate, right?

I need a riding teacher. That's why. He may not want to ride with me anymore, but I don't have anyone else to teach me. He's offered, he's got a bike to do it with, too. Technically, it's not his bike, but it's still a small one that's perfect for me to start learning on. 

I wrote a not so nice letter to this guy. Kept it in my phone. Can't send it. Not yet, anyway. 

Just had a thought that made me smile. One of my massage therapists had been reading my blog yesterday in between seeing patients. She got hooked after reading the first post. And, she tells me "Wow. You don't hold back when you write! I wanna read some more." Really feels good to hear feedback like that. And, no I don't hold back. As my readers know, I am very candid and blunt in my writing. I'm the exact same way in person. It's sort of a gift and a curse. 

But, back to the current ramblings of my mind, I'm exhausted and I don't want to think about this anymore. Not worth it. Not even close. 

Looks like another lonely Saturday night. Awesome.

xoxo 

Bring on the benefits

I started this post about a week ago. Worked on it throughout the week ... 
_____________________________________

From that title, I know what you're thinking. And, you're not wrong. You are not wrong. 

Things have been clarified and put into perspective. I'm talking about with this last guy I was dating. Let's call him H. 

I gave him an initial because I'm still posting about happenings with him ... and, it's much easier than "the last guy I was dating."

So, H and I have been texting over the last few days. Between all his issues and all my stuff, we've decided to stay in touch. It's clear that we're still very attracted to each other, which is good. Though, I don't want to do anything to interfere with his healing process, I like that he's still around, and that we can still flirt. 

Last night, I saw him for the first time in a few weeks. He actually came out of his hole (his studio) and interacted with the world. It was nice to see him, and to just hang with him again. 

A bunch of my clanmates (yes, clash of clans) got together for the Lunar New Year at a softball park in Hawaii Kai. As their leader, my presence was requested by some of them since they hadn't met me yet. So, I decided to go and I brought B with me. Earlier that afternoon, I texted H to let him know what was going on since he is also in my clan. I was expecting a flat out "No" on his part since he had been a hermit for the last few weeks. But, throughout the day, we were chatting here and there about the events for the night. He mentioned a few times that he'll probably stop by the park while he's out. But, I didn't get my hopes up.

That evening, H decided to go on a crazy solo ride to relieve his restlessness, and ended up meeting a group that does regular Thursday night rides. During all that, B and I had met up with the group in HK, and were having a good time chatting, clashing and eating/drinking. There were intermittent texts between H and I, but I really didn't think he was gonna make it there since it was already after 10, and I was getting ready to leave to take B home. So, I was surprised when I heard the roar of a bike in the distance while chatting with a friend. I looked up, and then checked my phone. Sure enough, there was a message from H saying he was on his way. Well, shit. He was gonna make it! Next thing I see his one headlight coming up the drive. 

Few moments later, there he was. And, I was happy to see him. Shortly after he arrived, it started to rain, and the park was closing. We headed over to one of the guys' house nearby and cruised for a while. It was really nice hanging with some of my friends and clanmates since I had not done that in such a long time. 

Moments. That's  really all we have ... these short bursts of good times that make lasting memories for ages to come. 

A moment. That's all it was. Who knows if we'll ever get that again.

xoxo

First Hiatus of 2015

Yup, I'm on another hiatus. This time from both Facebook AND Instagram. I can't express how much of a doozy this last guy was. He lives on social media. Made me wanna delete both my accounts. Ugh. 

That's one thing that is a complete turn off for me. I mean, I don't mind here and there, posting, or a chat. But, the phone never left his sight. Even when he went to the restroom, he took the phone with him ... no matter where we were. It got to be kind of annoying. I mean, my phone pretty much lives in my hands, too. But, when I'm out with someone, especially on a date, the phone never sees the outside of my bag. 

So, with this guy, since he always had his phone out, mine sort of just stayed out as well. He posted a lot on fb, and some on instagram, too. 

Another thing that irritates the fuck outta me, too is when you're texting with a friend, or a guy you're seeing, and they send you a photo. Whether it's of them or something they want  you to see. And, then BAM, it's up there on your newsfeed. It's like, are you fucking kidding me? Am I not special to you AT ALL? Nope, guess not. Especially the selfies. Dude claimed to never and not even liking to take selfies. He'd send me selfies and then I'd see them on instagram immediately after. Oh man. Who is this guy? He's a mess, that's who he is. Told me himself. Ugh.

I know it just comes with the territory now days, being that technology is everywhere and it's right there at our finger tips. But, holy balls, man. Put the phone away and fucking trust me. I'm not one of those crazy psycho bitches that are gonna try to go through your phone when you leave the table. Really, I'm not. 

But, it seems that social media just makes us all a little too crazy. Seeing things you want to on a minute to minute basis, and seeing things you don't want to. That's mainly why I'm taking another hiatus. This one is indefinite. The reason being ... I don't want to see anything this guy in particular is tagged in, commenting on, pictures he posts, nothing. Because of his knowledge on a bike, he's a huge deal in the motorcycle community down here, and the attention he gets is quite overwhelming for the girl he's with. Now, we aren't dating anymore, but that's still fresh for me. So, I really don't want to see anything on social media with or relating to him. 

And, I am finding it quite refreshing to be "disconnected." Not knowing every single move all the people on my newsfeed is making right fricken now, is a breath of fresh air. All the complaining, drama kings and queens, events that I don't care about, especially all the attention the guy gets from all kinds of people, especially ex's ... all of it. So nice. 

I guess I'm just over it all. It's too overwhelming at the moment ... trying to keep up with everything going on via facebook. I need a break to concentrate on the really good stuff happening for me. And, they are. It's all very exciting! 

Good night, readers! 

xoxo   

Continued from last night ...

So, this post is a continuation from my last one. Yep, the one about New M. I'll have to admit that these guys are keeping it interesting. Never a dull moment, I swear. 

About a month ago, I get a friend request on facebook from New M. He and I hadn't been friends or in contact for about two or so years. This came as a surprise. I had no clue what he could want, except for trying to be friends after getting sober and to sort of make up for all the times that he wasn't. I thought it was fine, so I approved his request, and we started chatting here and there. 

At the time, I had been dating someone, so our talks were nothing more than 'hey how are you?' and  just joking around. Though, I did notice that almost every time there was an exchange between us, he would make mention of the past ... when we used to hang out. He mentioned once that he didn't know why we stopped seeing each other. Well, there's the drinking for you ... it's a real thing. 

So, I told him that we stopped seeing each other because he told me that he met someone. Kinda funny not to remember something like that, right? And, another time, he mentioned how he always thought I was such a good mom, and that he loved my little cutie pie. He's got his own little cutie pie who is younger, and was the core of his issues while he lived here. Just made him crazy to be so far away from her. That, I can totally understand. But, the drinking so excessively, I could not. 

He even started to flirt with me, saying things like he still thinks I'm beautiful, and asked me for a recent picture. In my head, I was like whaaaaat?! But, I sent him one anyway. 

After that, conversations were sparse ... every few days. Nothing too long, always short. Until a few nights ago. He tells me that he's been thinking about me a lot, and even moving back here for a while. That took me by surprise because while he was here, he hated it. He also said that he keeps thinking about how it would be since he's sober now. How what would be?? His reply, you and me.

Now, this was pretty late one night, and I was having a hard time comprehending what he was saying. I had just settled something with the other guy THAT day, and I'm still not completely over it. How can I just jump to something else? New M is talking some serious shit, and I am more than flabbergasted. It's very flattering to say the least, but how can this work? I was just in a long distance relationship that didn't work out. So, why the hell would I want to get right back into another one?? 

I ask myself these questions the next day since I fell asleep on our convo the night before. It was on my mind intermittently throughout the day, so I decided to get some help from one of my good girl friends. She's the best and helped me put it in perspective. 

Not saying that I'm actually considering this, but he's still on about it today. He really wants to give us a real chance. I'm still having a hard time believing this, but that's probably because so much time has passed. And, I can't get it through my head that he still wants something with me. Something serious, too. His words. I mean, wow. To me, this is crazy. There's only one guy I've ever considered off and on throughout the last few years. But, other than him, I haven't even given the guys I've dated in my past a second thought. Is that terrible, or what?? 

It's also bad timing since there's the guy that I was just dating. I had got into him pretty good. He's amazing and we connect on so many levels, but the issues are just too heavy. It really sucks because I like him. Still. 

So, I've tried to steer clear of the whole "lets give it a shot" convo today with New M. Let's hope this one goes away. All by itself. Sigh.

xoxo     

I think I've got it!

I know what it is now. I've figured it out! My frustrations gone ... at least, they are for now, or will be when I'm done with this post. In many of my previous posts, I've dealt with guys who come on so strong in the beginning only to fizzle out a few weeks in, and I can't help but wonder why. 

Because, it's happened again. Why do guys feel so strongly in the beginning and chase you down to make you theirs? It's got to be the thrill of the chase ... it just has to be. You aren't theirs yet, so they do everything they can to impress you, to get you to turn your head their way and see them differently than any other guy around you. The chase, while I'll admit is fun, can only end in heart ache for one of the two parties. 

This case, it was me, yet again. The guy chased me down. Hard. I almost feel bamboozled by his charm and intensity of the chase. On top of it, he has an accent. Ever so sexy. Hot, really hot and he knows it, but plays it off like he doesn't like the attention ... at least, not from other girls. I was the exception. 

Don't get me wrong, he is a great guy, and we're still friends. And, most importantly, still riding buddies. Though, we haven't gone on a ride in over a week due to some other issues. He's got some major issues. But, then we all have some kind of issue or something, right? 

So, back to the story ... first few weeks were intense. Going out a lot, and spending a lot of time riding and just hanging out together. A whole lot of late nights, and I tell you, my sleeping schedule was really starting to suffer. But, I did it anyway because I really enjoyed being with him. I thought he did, too. At least he told me he did. I believed him, cause for some reason I can be a gullible sap at times. Sweet talk works on me too well. I need to debunk that shit. Anyway, he made me feel like he really wanted me, and for more than just a hang out and fun time girl. He was open about all the girlie drama in his life, and I was fine to listen to him vent, and interject my advice or opinion where I could. 

Maybe it's his nature, or the fact that he's just no good at dating, but despite those things, he made me feel something. Not that I wanted more, not right now anyway. In the future, sure. I thought the possibility was there. Though, I had my guard up the whole time. I had to. It went from a year of a long distance relationship with someone I knew for so long, to dating a new guy in a matter of days. I didn't know what the hell I wanted from it all. Just the fun of being with someone new thrilled me, and the fact that he showed so much interest was a nice change of pace. 

Yes, I thought it could have turned into something real down the road, but then, the issues start to show his real side. It turned ugly fast. Personality shift was just more than I could deal with. And, I have to admit that I feel like a fool. 

Once again, I met the same kind of guy. One who pretended to be something he wasn't just to get my attention, only to find out that he can't handle being with me. Whether he could control it or not, he let his issues get the best of him. I would like to see him get better, and I've asked him not to push me away since I went through something similar a few years ago while dealing with my divorce and all the issues at the time. Some things just can't be helped, you have no control. Especially when you don't give yourself the time you need to heal. But, I learned that once you decide, once you make up your mind to move on, the issues disappear. I can tell him that til I'm blue in the face, but it won't make a difference until he's ready to move past it. All I can do is be a friend that's there for ... whatever. It would have been nice to have one of me when I was going through all my shit years ago.  

It's just frustrating. It's not like I do things to these guys to make them so afraid to continue dating me. With me, there are no mind games, no drama. I'm straight forward with my intentions. Reminds me of this meme I came across the other day. It went something like ... "men tend to overestimate women's interest in them, and women tend to underestimate men's interest." I had to agree with it because that's just been my experience while dating. And, it really does boggle my mind because they all tell me how awesome, and hot I am, making me think they're so interested, but it gets old. I've heard it so many times before that I can see the warning signs sooner and sooner. Most times, I'm the one that starts to pull away, because I DON'T WANT TO GET HURT AGAIN. That's the main reason right there. I'm so afraid of getting hurt that I've come to almost EXPECT that the next guy will fizzle before we even get the chance to really be together. It's just no fun. It's not cool and I've had it. 

So, this time, I've decided that I am done pursuing anything with anyone....

And, I have never had so much attention from the opposite sex. Do I give off some kind of scent or something? This is the second time in a month where I've literally just gotten out of "something" with a guy, and another one jumps up for the challenge. THREE to be specific. What is up with that?? 

You guys is gonna laugh when you hear who this next guy is. From my past, yes ... New M. Remember him? Dude that was drunk ALL THE TIME?? Well, he's been sober over a year now, and contacted me via facebook about a month ago. I was surprised since I thought I'd never see or talk to him again since he moved back to Texas. 

But, this post is getting out of hand, and I need to leave the office. Will definitely continue this when I get home tonight. It's a doozy of a story!

xoxo  

And, I don't know what to do ....

Something that has been on my mind for a little while now is starting to take a little toll on me. I wish I could shut my mind up about it. It's probably really stupid, but I just don't know what to do. 

When I think about it, there are a lot of positives. But, at the same time, the negatives are so overwhelming that I just want to give up. Am I crazy for thinking this way? It's not over thinking either. I know T would tell me I'm over thinking this particular thing, but I don't think I am. It's just when it starts to invade my thoughts during the day, during work hours, I know it's not good. 

What am I gonna do? No, I'm not going into detail here on my blog, just need to vent a little because I'm about to drive myself insane. 

All I want to do is go home, snuggle up with little B, and watch movies. In bed. Oh, and eat. My god. I'm so damn hungry. OMG. I'm going nucking futs over here. Could this be any awesomer? Yeah, I said it. It's a word now. For sure.

Sigh. 

xoxo

Late night Rando's

I'm at it again, folks. Late night posting about things moving about in my head. It's frustrating, fun and whole lotta mess. Yes, my brain is about to spew some word vomit. You're not gonna like it. 

I don't even like it, but it has to come out. I'm so frustrated. With things going on in my personal life. No names, of course, but I gotta say, I am struggling. 

First off, my computer is still broken, so I can't access all my writings. It's driving me up the wall because so much has been happening, and the creative stuff is starting to really build up. I miss the days where I could just pop open my laptop and bang out a page or two in my story. Or, a little novel of a post. Or, simply a thought that I need to get down in my personal journal ... for my eyes only. I miss that, and I need to fix it. 

My laptop is getting pretty old, and it's definitely time for a new one. But, I need to get to all my work, and in order to do that, I have to get that screen fixed. Once I do, I can save up for a new laptop. Until then, I'm using my dad's desktop, and sneaking some writing in at work. Only thing, I can't save anything there. 

I still don't have a car, so THAT's making the frustration even worse. There was going to be one last attempt to fix it, but that's not gonna happen. So, I have to chuck it and save for a new one. Oh, and I'm looking for a starter bike to learn on, and quite possibly get me to and from work. I could be starting at a new job soon, so I will need my own transportation. What a headache. 

Back to all the fun going on in my life ... it is, and it's not. There's a lot of positive stuff going on, but on the dating front, I gotta say, this one is different. Never done anything like it before. And, that's all I'm going to say about that. 

Today marks one month that SM and I have been split. I'm over it, and we are friends again. Like this past year had never happened. All those feelings disappeared like smoke on a windy day. The feeling is amazing. We can talk, and I feel nothing. I still care about him, but only as a friend. It's nice. 

So, I think I've had about as much drama as I can handle in the past month. I'm talking about girlie drama. The friends I thought were true, are not. I'm actually trying to distance myself from one of them now. She's the last of the group, and she insists on still talking with me. I could care less because she is friends with all those fake personalities, and it makes me sick. She's nice enough, but drama rules her world, and I can't be around that. 

And, on another note ... I am staying away from faceBITCH. I mean, facebook. Another hiatus is calling to me as I am just hating it right now. Social media .. ugh. I am just over it. All the posts about weddings, babies, date nights, pictures ... not to mention people you don't want to see popping up everywhere. And, then the ones you want to hear from, you see them all over fb, but where's my text?? You know? Oh hell, I'm so done. 

And, Instagram. What the fuck is that all about? If you're gonna post a million and one pictures on social media, DON'T do it on IG! At least on fb, you can upload a bunch at one time. IG only lets you upload one at a time. It's no fun scrolling through that feed seeing picture after picture from the same person. OMG kill me now! So, I'm just gonna stay away from it. Another thing, you know that girlie drama? It's on there too! Girls I know will shamelessly chase after guys that don't want them, liking their pictures and commenting where it's not wanted. Ugh. I see certain names, and I cringe. And, it's not gonna go away. So, I have to. I know it's the attention. Guys just LOVE the attention a girl is willing to throw at them. No matter how much they deny it. They like it. So, I'm just done. 

At least for now.  

Ugh. What did I tell you. Word vomit. 

xoxo

Real or fake. Does it matter to you?

Yes. It matters to me. I'm talking about those we think are close to us. Friends, acquaintances, people we meet everyday. It's hard to see at first, but as you get to know someone ... it's not all sunshine and rainbows.

I've been thinking a lot lately about those friends I consider the genuine article. The ones who prove to be the real deal. And, you know what? There are only a handful of people I consider a real friend. 

This post is gonna focus on the ladies in my life. I've never really had a best girl friend. Well, I used to back in school, but over the years as we grew up and apart, her true colors started to really show, and the person she really was had no place in my life. Unfortunate, but I will not stand to have toxic, negative people in my life. 

I'm talking about in my adult life. The closest thing to a best friend I've had was my ex-husband, M. He and I have known each other for over 15 years. Next to him, there's my cousin T. She's about 8 years younger than me, but we've been through a lot of similar things in regards to relationships, and just life in general. She's the one I can turn to with anything, especially when I need a shoulder to cry on, or some emotional support. T keeps me sane, and at the same time, lets me rant my head off when I need it. 

In the last few days, I needed her support with something I had been dealing with, and she is always on my side. T is my cousin and best friend. And, to counter act her full, loving support, there's my other girl friend, Red. The two of them are so different, and provide such a different perspective on things. I'll bring the same issue up with both of them, and get two sides I can look at things. But, this one situation in particular, they both agreed. 

Now, I have to say something about those "fake" friends that have been in my life the past few years. Recently, it's come to my attention that some that I thought were genuine turned out to be nothing more than lying, backstabbing bitches. Selfishness above all else. It's sickening. Putting their physical appearance above their so-called "friends" because they're jealous of something someone else has. It's ridiculous, and I can't be around it anymore. 

Just makes me thankful for the real people I have in my life. It may not be too many, but I'd rather be surrounded by good, true people than fake, backstabbing bitches. 

That's all folks ...

xoxo  

Caught!

Yeah, I caught that damn site Opinuns up and running again. I emailed them to ask what the hell happened since I was doing some decent writing for them, and then kapoot!

I have no idea if I'll hear back about what happened, or if they'll even give me another writing contract, but I gotta try, right? Even though it was celebrity gossip and my opinion, it was pretty entertaining and really tested my writing skills. It's great experience for me to gain as a published writer ... not to mention getting paid for each article. That's always nice. 

I think what I really need to do is find a site, or a few that would be willing to publish some of my stories. Like, a weekly thing. I have so much in my head, and getting them all down into each book is a bit challenging at the moment since I am without my laptop. I'm a writer. How does this happen?? Ugh. 

Driving me nuts right about now. 

xoxo

So much I've missed

Looking back on 2014, I've realized how much I missed. It was a great year, don't get me wrong, it's just that while I was having such a great year in my head, I forgot to have a life here where I am. Physically.

First off, I need to apologize to my little B. I was consumed with someone who didn't really feel the same as I did. That took my attention away from her, and that's time I can never get back. Second, plans for a move can be put on hold. No pressure to be out there by the start of the next school year, and it actually feels good. A move off this island is definitely in my future, but not for a while. 

It was fun making plans to be out there, but as the year was coming to an end, I was starting to have some doubts. Plan B began to form in my head as I felt SM slipping away. I started wondering what it would be like when I was finally up there. Would he actually make time to be with me? As it was the last two or so months, he barely texted and forget skyping. I had to put my big girl panties on and brace myself for a change. And, I am so glad I did. 

When the break up email came, it was a shock, but the effects didn't last as long as they might have if I kept the fantasy going in my head.

Fantasy. That's all it was. A nice little escape in my head. Thinking I could change my situation and solve all my problems with a huge move like that. The change would be good, I know that, but I am glad that I made him less of a factor in my plans. 

This last week has opened my eyes to the many wonderful things I had been missing here in the place that I live. In the now. I had forgotten how exciting and fun it is to actually go out with someone who lives here. Someone who wants to be in my company. Though, I love being a homebody, I enjoy going out and being among the masses, too. All the while doing it with someone I enjoy spending my time with. 

Part of me wants to go off on a rant about the fantasy and reality of the sorted SM relationship that just ended. I feel duped. Like, I wasted half my year in my head with him when I could have been enjoying someone else who is physically real to me. But, I won't. That, I think, is something for my eyes only. No one needs to see it. Jumbled thoughts, random ideas and over thinking can be too much for my blog ... sometimes. 

Work, thank goodness, is almost finished. Catching up on sleep is on the agenda for tonight. And, recruiting one or two new members for my clan. We need to go to war. Like, last week. 

I really need to fix my laptop.

Night, readers. Xoxo

Trust your gut ...

Why do we always go against what our gut is telling us? Well, not always, but it seems more often then not.

In this case, my gut was so right on about this. 

All I'm gonna say about this one is that my gut instincts were absolutely right. I had a feeling about someone I had never met. And, this was months and months ago. Now that things have been clarified in my personal life, it's so clear to see that this person was meant to be in it. Back then, the time wasn't right. And, now ....

....to be continued. 

xoxo 

When it's over ....

So, it's over. SM and I are threw. 

The past few weeks have been sparse as far as communication. I had a feeling something was amiss. 

He sent me an email on Monday afternoon detailing his absence due to soul searching and figuring out what was missing in our relationship. He came to the conclusion that we should just be friends. Friends. 

It's Wednesday afternoon, and I have to say that I am feeling a lot better. I have requested that we talk about this since I have questions. He kind of blindsided me. As far as I knew, we were fine. Happy, even. Up until a few weeks ago. 

The only thing I can think of is he felt too much pressure with my pending move out there. He said that he felt something was missing, and felt that he, rather, we gave it a good try. I disagree. Of the one year we've been together, we've spent about a month in the same place. That doesn't constitute "trying" to me. But, whatever.

I thought we were the real deal. We had talked about what our relationship was and where it was going more often then not. And, each time, we came to the conclusion that we both wanted to be together. Committed to each other. I could always tell how he was feeling just by looking into his eyes. They never lied. But, for whatever reason, he's been spooked and off he goes. There's nothing I can do about it. I rest my case as far as the relationship goes. It was a long shot doing this long distance thing. And, I fooled myself into thinking it could work. I won't make that mistake again.

This time around, it's different. I'm handling this break up differently than any other in the past few years. Maybe it's because he was a good friend before we started dating? Even though my heart is broken, I think we can be friends again down the road. I miss him, but it's not that longing for him kind of missing. I just like talking to him. I miss that. I'm more upset at myself for falling for him. And, I'm mad at him for leading me to believe that what we had was real. Far from it. 

Anyway, I see him for who he really is now. It's very unattractive, and it helps as far as the healing process goes. One friend I talked to today tried to give me a little bit of hope. She was shocked when I told her we'd broken up. She said that since I'm still planning my  move, that you never know what could happen since I will be up there. I told her that I didn't think so. It's hard for me to feel the way I did when the ugly side of someone I once loved comes out. Some things just can't be unseen when you see them. 

I wasn't going to post about this til I felt better, but I'm feeling pretty good. So, he wasn't the one. Big deal. It's his loss, and I know he's feeling a little bit of RAGRET. (If anyone's seen We're the Millers, you'll get it) Just had to throw that one in there. Gave me a good little chuckle.

So, work is almost over, and I'm going out riding tonight. Going with someone I've known for a while via facebook and mutual riding friends. Met once in person, but didn't really get to talk. He's been there when I needed to vent or talk over the past few days. And, I'm grateful. Time to close down, and go have fun. For once. 

xoxo