Saving the best for ...

Last. Yes, for the very end. I'm talking about last night. Christmas night. One of my friends hosted a Christmas dinner for those who don't have families here on the island, and even though my family IS here, I went. I drove on my own since FB was to chauffeur his roommates. This is the dinner I talked about in my previous post. At dinner last Friday, he wasn't sure if he was going and neither was I. Finally, I made up my mind two days before that I would go. 

I'm glad that I did. FB must have been online when I rsvp'd to the party invite because he responded that he'd be going a minute after I did. Figures. 

The whole night was filled with fun and laughs. We sat around and talked, played games and enjoyed each others company. FB was very flirtatious from the moment I stepped in the house ... in a punk-ish sort of way. Every time I passed him by or got near him, he had to touch me somehow. And, when I wasn't near him, all I wanted to do was be in his arms. Such a fucking sap I've turned into. 

These little interactions were cute, but nothing in comparison to what I wanted. I wanted to be there WITH him. But, I wasn't. I kept eyeing him ... sometimes he'd catch my eye and sometimes he wouldn't. I didn't care. He knows how I feel. 

So, getting to the end of the night, he was helping his roomies pack up their stuff to leave. I was doing the same since it was late and I was going to head out after them. So, he was standing by the door about to leave and I was sitting, not about to get up. I looked at him as he looked around as if making sure they didn't forget anything. I had no intention of getting up, just saying "bye" from where I sat when all of a sudden, my body rose out of the chair and walked toward him. Before I knew what the hell was happening, I was standing in front of him and he was looking at me. I had to say something, so I asked if they had everything. He was a punk ass all night and gave me a smart ass answer, "No" and then laughed. I chuckled too, then he held his arm out to me, and I closed in, wrapping my arms around him. His other arm came around to hold me in his embrace. This is the most relaxed he's felt in my arms, and I cherished it. I wanted to stay there all night. But, we were standing in the doorway, and who knows who saw what in their minds. I really don't give a fuck, but whatever. 

I followed him out the door as we were talking about movie plans and some other things. Turns out, we really didn't get a chance to talk much during the night. I felt a little tense about it, but completely relaxed when he held me. What the fuck is that??

So, they left, and about twenty minutes later, I left too. I was on Kahekili when my blasted music got interrupted twice with text messages. The first was from my cousin. The second was from him. He wanted to warn me about drunks on the road and to be safe driving. Very sweet. And, it seemed I was on his mind a lot when we weren't together which is usually the case after any event we had just come from. 

That night, while trying to get to sleep, I felt an overwhelming desire to be with him. Even if it was only texting, I've never wanted to be in contact with someone SO MUCH before. I was in a very good mood prior to that, and couldn't shut my brain up about it. So, my desire to be with him finally turned to tears and I fell asleep. 

I don't know what it is. I can't explain this overwhelming feeling to be with him. Just that I know that I want him in my life, and I'd do anything to make that happen. 

Tonight, we were texting and I just couldn't figure out the mood he was in. Feels like he's trying to pull away again. Nothing more frustrating than to figure out how someone is feeling over a bunch of typed words. I want more than anything to talk to him, but for the rest of the night, I just let him be. We plan on going to see The Hobbit tomorrow, so I hope he's in a better mood. 

Men ....

Night, readers  

Goddammit, I caught feelings!

I can't seem to dig myself out of this funk. I had a talk with my cousin last night, and she agrees with me that I should just forget about my FB. For one thing, he's leaving. Another, timing .... always the issue. 

Timing ... what the hell is that all about? He agrees that we've always had bad timing, but is that just an excuse now? We could try, we really could. But, then I think he just wants to forget me and everything he felt. Now, that it's too late and he's trying to move on and away. I can't believe I'm getting stuck with this shit again.
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I started this post a few nights ago. Since then, FB and I went out to dinner Friday night. For a change, I drove and picked him up. Let me just say, Mililani, fuck you. Got lost trying to get to his place, AND got lost leaving his place. WTF?? I live here, and I'm getting lost in Mililani?? Kinda funny now that I think about it. But, anyway, he walked down a block from his place when I finally saw him on the street, on the phone with him the whole time trying to find my way there. Pretty funny ...

So, I get him and we go to Assagios for a nice Italian dinner. One of his favorites, and mine too. We talk, idle conversation at first, but as the night progressed, it got a little more personal, and deep right before the end. How I wish I had the whole night to just be with him and hash this whole thing out. The way I see it, from my point of view, there's an endless amount of possibilities, even though he's leaving. I'm trying and wanting to keep positive about this. His move is a good thing, I understand that now. But, for him, he's not thinking about the possibilities. He's only thinking that if we started this thing between us, he won't want to leave. So, he sees it like he's gotta cut it off before it has a chance to go anywhere. And, I can see that he's doing the best he can, even if it means ignoring my inquisitive texts. I get it. Just wish he would see what I see. 

I asked him about the mistletoe thing, and he said it started as a joke because he didn't know what I would do. Then, he really started to wonder what would happen if he just grabbed me and got me under the mistletoe. It got a little deep after that. He tells me that he's old fashioned (love that!) and that he doesn't want a reason to stay. I tell him that he wouldn't have to stay, and he says that yes, he would. In disbelief, I shake my head and tell him that he wouldn't have to. And, he paused and gave me this sweet sort of sad smile and said "yes, I would." Faaaaaak! I wanted to cry right there. Happy and sad at the same fucking time. Of course, now I can't get enough and want to talk more and see where this could go. But, he was throwing barriers up everywhere, and I wasn't helping cause I was too. I kept trying to steer the conversation back to us, but there just wasn't enough time to get into anything serious. 

Just as well, I guess. When I left his place, we hugged and it was a different hug than we've ever had before. He pulled me in with one arm, but brought the other one around and held me for a little longer than usual. I wrapped my arms around him, and relaxed into him, and just enjoyed it for as long as it lasted. I'd do anything to feel that again. 

We let each other go and said good night. But, I called after him that we didn't get to finish our talk. He promised we would, but pointed out that there's not much to talk about since he'll be so far away. And, there it is. He's not seeing it like I am. So, I guess that's it.

So, today, he sold his bike. It was a sad day, I know that. I knew it, so I wanted so much to do something with him. Just to cheer him up, drink or whatever. I was sad that his bike is gone! Can't imagine how hard that was for him. All I knew was that I was pretty sad about it, and I just wanted to be with him. But, he wasn't going for it, so I did my own thing tonight. 

Texted my cousin about it a bit, and we're back to me giving up on the feelings part for him. It might be the best thing since I don't think he'll see my side of it. All he sees is that I'd be a reason for him to stay and he really has to go. I understand it, I really do, I just wish he wouldn't completely shut the door on us. We could work, I just know it. I feel it in my gut. You know what the sad part about it is? I know he has to go, but I can't lose him. So, Friday night, after I got home and got B to sleep, I sat in the dark on my bedroom floor, listened to music and cried .... hard. I cried for a long time. My heart is broken, aching for the chance to be with him. But, it won't happen. I think I've always been a little in love with him. Never let myself admit it until now. Why now? Fuck. Cause he's leaving, that's why. 

I need help moving on from this one. It's too hard to let go by myself. There's a quote I saw in my newsfeed saying something like, if you're brave enough to say goodbye, you'll be rewarded with a new hello. At this point, I'm kinda really looking forward to that new hello. Really need it. Really do. 

But, now, the dynamics have changed. Something I didn't consider as an after-effect of becoming emotionally involved with one of my riding buddies. When I talked about not being more than friends with him in previous posts, I only thought about losing the group if  things ever went bad. And, I never wanted that because I love my riding family. But, it's not that things are going bad, but he's leaving and I caught all these damn feelings for him. Being with the group won't be the same without him. It stabs me in the heart whenever I think about it. And, I'm crying again. Faaaaaak.

He was a major part of the group, he IS a major part of the group. We're all gonna miss him. But, it's gonna be even harder for me since I'll be here with them, but without him. They were all starting to see us together, too. Damn, this sucks. 

There are still a few more events and get-togethers before he leaves, so I'm trying to make it to everything with him. Very hard to do tho, it's Christmas and then new years. All time spent with my family, that's not an option. Christmas day, my friends are having something, and we just talked about whether or not we're going. He said he probably will, but I can't commit. I'm trying to work it so that I can at least go for a few hours. And, New years ... forget it. I will be with my family, as with the tradition. One of our other friends is having something at his place in Kaimuki. There's NO WAY I can get to that. And, I really want to be with him when the clock strikes midnight. But, can't. Just gotta let that one go and hope he doesn't kiss anyone else to ring in the new year. 

Though, I must confess that I want to invite him to one of my family traditions. The night before New years eve, my family gathers at my grandpa's house to wrap lau lau and have dinner together. It's a wonderful tradition that I adore. I've always wanted to share it with someone special to me. And, FB is. He's a white guy, and has never seen this done. So, I want to invite him. I have no idea if he'll want to come, but I'm gonna do it anyway. Gonna have to clear it with the Warden (Mom), but it's worth a shot. I just want to give him a true Hawaii experience before he goes off to Colorado. Guarans-ball-baranz he's never done anything like this.

Oh geez, it's 2 in the morning. Time to get to bed. Til the next time, readers .... xoxo

What's next?

So, what's next? Nothing. There's nothing to be done about this situation. He's leaving, and we can't start something because of that.

It's hard to deal with because the possibilities have been flooding my mind in the last week. The doors have been opened, feelings pent up over the last (almost) two years burst out, and this is what I get. Nothing.

It's too late to start something. We can't even kiss, or even talk about it. The flirting still goes on, though. Saturday night, we went to his cousin's birthday party together. It was a smaller gathering than the Christmas party the week before. And, the fun we had all together was amazing as always. FB and I were our usual, casual and flirty selves. This time, though, there were eyes watching us. Trying to see if we give away anything that's happened in the last week. 

The only person I told was one of my girls (his cousin's gf). She implied that something may have come out of that mistletoe comment. So, I filled her in. She agrees with me how shitty our situation is because we can't start something. She would have loved to see us be together. I would have too. 

I can't help but think that all I want is him. Yes, I've dated many, many other guys since meeting FB, but he's always been there in the back of my mind. Not like anyone else. This one is different. He's got staying power. And, I know he wants us to happen, but he's so incredibly hesitant because of his upcoming move. I don't blame him for hesitating now that he knows I feel the same, but I want to know. I want to see this happen, no matter how it could end up. He rocks my thoughts, and when I think about being with him, I'm so happy. 

Some of my friends are trying to convince me to make it happen, and tell him how I really feel. And, I want to. But, not over text or messaging. I want to do it face to face, and really know what he's thinking. Our friends have mentioned to me that we have a chemistry that's visual and very hard to find. How can I just let that go? I feel what they're talking about because it's always been so easy to be with him. There's no pressure of any kind, and even now. On Saturday, I wondered if he might try to get me under the mistletoe again, but when he didn't, it wasn't so disappointing because he shows me in other ways that he's thinking about me, and wanting me the same way I want him. 

This is so frustrating. I can't just let him go. I don't quite know what to do yet, but when the time comes, I'll know exactly the right thing to do. And, say. Time to just fall asleep on it. 

xoxo

This feeling flows both ways ...

Now I know for sure about my Foodie Buddy. He and I had a brief conversation via text tonight about how we feel about each other. What led to this heavy conversation? Saturday was our group of friends' Christmas party. We went together. He picked me up and we rode down to the party in Waimanalo at a friends house. 

I haven't thought about him in that way in a while, so when he came to get me, it was great to see him and I was happy. Friendly happy. It was the first time he'd seen my haircut, so he told me while I was preparing to get on the bike that he really liked my hair. He sort of couldn't shut up about it all night, turns out. So, we get going and he cruises it down the highway, doing as I asked politely. I was a little nervous about riding with him again since the last ride was a very wild one. 

We get to our friends' house, and a few others are already there. My friend, the hostess comes out to greet us and she immediately notices my hair and tells me she loves it. FB goes on about my hair as well, throwing in that it's "kinda hot, T" ... hahaha. I reply, "well, you're leaving, so ...." 

We enter the house and it's decorated so festively, and I put my things down, get my pupu out and then head to the kitchen to help. We start decorating sugar cookies and laying out the spread of food. The kitchen always seems to be the gathering place in any house I'm in. So, we all have a great night, with great food and each other. It was a white elephant party, so a good part of the night was opening gifts and having a riot with what everyone got. 

At the end of the night, FB takes me home and one of our other riding buddies comes along since he's going the same way. I was a little disappointed that we weren't alone, cause I had my eye on FB all night. I sort of hoped we might get a kiss in at the end of the night. But, it's alright since we made a date for the following weekend. Movie night. 

The next day, party pics were blowing up facebook, and it was almost like reliving the night. There was one picture of two guys pretending to kiss under the mistletoe. Mistletoe?! I never even saw it!! So, I commented that I didn't see it. And, FB comments how he was trying to get me under it all night. And, that was it. The thought festered in my head for the next day. So, it led to our talk tonight. 

I'm glad to have gotten it out in the open, even if there's nothing to be done about it. He's moving soon, and we aren't about to start something now. I still like our relationship exactly the way it is. Part of me wants to know more, wants to DO more with him, but I fear it may not be enough, and then I'll be stuck trying to fall out of love with someone I never had a real chance with anyway. Actually, I think he and I would have made it. If, we both came clean in the very beginning. Shit. 

I'm not gonna think about that cause then I'll just get mad. Another one is getting away. When will he stay? Will I ever stop asking that question? I have no idea. I have no idea.