Saving the best for ...

Last. Yes, for the very end. I'm talking about last night. Christmas night. One of my friends hosted a Christmas dinner for those who don't have families here on the island, and even though my family IS here, I went. I drove on my own since FB was to chauffeur his roommates. This is the dinner I talked about in my previous post. At dinner last Friday, he wasn't sure if he was going and neither was I. Finally, I made up my mind two days before that I would go. 

I'm glad that I did. FB must have been online when I rsvp'd to the party invite because he responded that he'd be going a minute after I did. Figures. 

The whole night was filled with fun and laughs. We sat around and talked, played games and enjoyed each others company. FB was very flirtatious from the moment I stepped in the house ... in a punk-ish sort of way. Every time I passed him by or got near him, he had to touch me somehow. And, when I wasn't near him, all I wanted to do was be in his arms. Such a fucking sap I've turned into. 

These little interactions were cute, but nothing in comparison to what I wanted. I wanted to be there WITH him. But, I wasn't. I kept eyeing him ... sometimes he'd catch my eye and sometimes he wouldn't. I didn't care. He knows how I feel. 

So, getting to the end of the night, he was helping his roomies pack up their stuff to leave. I was doing the same since it was late and I was going to head out after them. So, he was standing by the door about to leave and I was sitting, not about to get up. I looked at him as he looked around as if making sure they didn't forget anything. I had no intention of getting up, just saying "bye" from where I sat when all of a sudden, my body rose out of the chair and walked toward him. Before I knew what the hell was happening, I was standing in front of him and he was looking at me. I had to say something, so I asked if they had everything. He was a punk ass all night and gave me a smart ass answer, "No" and then laughed. I chuckled too, then he held his arm out to me, and I closed in, wrapping my arms around him. His other arm came around to hold me in his embrace. This is the most relaxed he's felt in my arms, and I cherished it. I wanted to stay there all night. But, we were standing in the doorway, and who knows who saw what in their minds. I really don't give a fuck, but whatever. 

I followed him out the door as we were talking about movie plans and some other things. Turns out, we really didn't get a chance to talk much during the night. I felt a little tense about it, but completely relaxed when he held me. What the fuck is that??

So, they left, and about twenty minutes later, I left too. I was on Kahekili when my blasted music got interrupted twice with text messages. The first was from my cousin. The second was from him. He wanted to warn me about drunks on the road and to be safe driving. Very sweet. And, it seemed I was on his mind a lot when we weren't together which is usually the case after any event we had just come from. 

That night, while trying to get to sleep, I felt an overwhelming desire to be with him. Even if it was only texting, I've never wanted to be in contact with someone SO MUCH before. I was in a very good mood prior to that, and couldn't shut my brain up about it. So, my desire to be with him finally turned to tears and I fell asleep. 

I don't know what it is. I can't explain this overwhelming feeling to be with him. Just that I know that I want him in my life, and I'd do anything to make that happen. 

Tonight, we were texting and I just couldn't figure out the mood he was in. Feels like he's trying to pull away again. Nothing more frustrating than to figure out how someone is feeling over a bunch of typed words. I want more than anything to talk to him, but for the rest of the night, I just let him be. We plan on going to see The Hobbit tomorrow, so I hope he's in a better mood. 

Men ....

Night, readers  

Goddammit, I caught feelings!

I can't seem to dig myself out of this funk. I had a talk with my cousin last night, and she agrees with me that I should just forget about my FB. For one thing, he's leaving. Another, timing .... always the issue. 

Timing ... what the hell is that all about? He agrees that we've always had bad timing, but is that just an excuse now? We could try, we really could. But, then I think he just wants to forget me and everything he felt. Now, that it's too late and he's trying to move on and away. I can't believe I'm getting stuck with this shit again.
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I started this post a few nights ago. Since then, FB and I went out to dinner Friday night. For a change, I drove and picked him up. Let me just say, Mililani, fuck you. Got lost trying to get to his place, AND got lost leaving his place. WTF?? I live here, and I'm getting lost in Mililani?? Kinda funny now that I think about it. But, anyway, he walked down a block from his place when I finally saw him on the street, on the phone with him the whole time trying to find my way there. Pretty funny ...

So, I get him and we go to Assagios for a nice Italian dinner. One of his favorites, and mine too. We talk, idle conversation at first, but as the night progressed, it got a little more personal, and deep right before the end. How I wish I had the whole night to just be with him and hash this whole thing out. The way I see it, from my point of view, there's an endless amount of possibilities, even though he's leaving. I'm trying and wanting to keep positive about this. His move is a good thing, I understand that now. But, for him, he's not thinking about the possibilities. He's only thinking that if we started this thing between us, he won't want to leave. So, he sees it like he's gotta cut it off before it has a chance to go anywhere. And, I can see that he's doing the best he can, even if it means ignoring my inquisitive texts. I get it. Just wish he would see what I see. 

I asked him about the mistletoe thing, and he said it started as a joke because he didn't know what I would do. Then, he really started to wonder what would happen if he just grabbed me and got me under the mistletoe. It got a little deep after that. He tells me that he's old fashioned (love that!) and that he doesn't want a reason to stay. I tell him that he wouldn't have to stay, and he says that yes, he would. In disbelief, I shake my head and tell him that he wouldn't have to. And, he paused and gave me this sweet sort of sad smile and said "yes, I would." Faaaaaak! I wanted to cry right there. Happy and sad at the same fucking time. Of course, now I can't get enough and want to talk more and see where this could go. But, he was throwing barriers up everywhere, and I wasn't helping cause I was too. I kept trying to steer the conversation back to us, but there just wasn't enough time to get into anything serious. 

Just as well, I guess. When I left his place, we hugged and it was a different hug than we've ever had before. He pulled me in with one arm, but brought the other one around and held me for a little longer than usual. I wrapped my arms around him, and relaxed into him, and just enjoyed it for as long as it lasted. I'd do anything to feel that again. 

We let each other go and said good night. But, I called after him that we didn't get to finish our talk. He promised we would, but pointed out that there's not much to talk about since he'll be so far away. And, there it is. He's not seeing it like I am. So, I guess that's it.

So, today, he sold his bike. It was a sad day, I know that. I knew it, so I wanted so much to do something with him. Just to cheer him up, drink or whatever. I was sad that his bike is gone! Can't imagine how hard that was for him. All I knew was that I was pretty sad about it, and I just wanted to be with him. But, he wasn't going for it, so I did my own thing tonight. 

Texted my cousin about it a bit, and we're back to me giving up on the feelings part for him. It might be the best thing since I don't think he'll see my side of it. All he sees is that I'd be a reason for him to stay and he really has to go. I understand it, I really do, I just wish he wouldn't completely shut the door on us. We could work, I just know it. I feel it in my gut. You know what the sad part about it is? I know he has to go, but I can't lose him. So, Friday night, after I got home and got B to sleep, I sat in the dark on my bedroom floor, listened to music and cried .... hard. I cried for a long time. My heart is broken, aching for the chance to be with him. But, it won't happen. I think I've always been a little in love with him. Never let myself admit it until now. Why now? Fuck. Cause he's leaving, that's why. 

I need help moving on from this one. It's too hard to let go by myself. There's a quote I saw in my newsfeed saying something like, if you're brave enough to say goodbye, you'll be rewarded with a new hello. At this point, I'm kinda really looking forward to that new hello. Really need it. Really do. 

But, now, the dynamics have changed. Something I didn't consider as an after-effect of becoming emotionally involved with one of my riding buddies. When I talked about not being more than friends with him in previous posts, I only thought about losing the group if  things ever went bad. And, I never wanted that because I love my riding family. But, it's not that things are going bad, but he's leaving and I caught all these damn feelings for him. Being with the group won't be the same without him. It stabs me in the heart whenever I think about it. And, I'm crying again. Faaaaaak.

He was a major part of the group, he IS a major part of the group. We're all gonna miss him. But, it's gonna be even harder for me since I'll be here with them, but without him. They were all starting to see us together, too. Damn, this sucks. 

There are still a few more events and get-togethers before he leaves, so I'm trying to make it to everything with him. Very hard to do tho, it's Christmas and then new years. All time spent with my family, that's not an option. Christmas day, my friends are having something, and we just talked about whether or not we're going. He said he probably will, but I can't commit. I'm trying to work it so that I can at least go for a few hours. And, New years ... forget it. I will be with my family, as with the tradition. One of our other friends is having something at his place in Kaimuki. There's NO WAY I can get to that. And, I really want to be with him when the clock strikes midnight. But, can't. Just gotta let that one go and hope he doesn't kiss anyone else to ring in the new year. 

Though, I must confess that I want to invite him to one of my family traditions. The night before New years eve, my family gathers at my grandpa's house to wrap lau lau and have dinner together. It's a wonderful tradition that I adore. I've always wanted to share it with someone special to me. And, FB is. He's a white guy, and has never seen this done. So, I want to invite him. I have no idea if he'll want to come, but I'm gonna do it anyway. Gonna have to clear it with the Warden (Mom), but it's worth a shot. I just want to give him a true Hawaii experience before he goes off to Colorado. Guarans-ball-baranz he's never done anything like this.

Oh geez, it's 2 in the morning. Time to get to bed. Til the next time, readers .... xoxo

What's next?

So, what's next? Nothing. There's nothing to be done about this situation. He's leaving, and we can't start something because of that.

It's hard to deal with because the possibilities have been flooding my mind in the last week. The doors have been opened, feelings pent up over the last (almost) two years burst out, and this is what I get. Nothing.

It's too late to start something. We can't even kiss, or even talk about it. The flirting still goes on, though. Saturday night, we went to his cousin's birthday party together. It was a smaller gathering than the Christmas party the week before. And, the fun we had all together was amazing as always. FB and I were our usual, casual and flirty selves. This time, though, there were eyes watching us. Trying to see if we give away anything that's happened in the last week. 

The only person I told was one of my girls (his cousin's gf). She implied that something may have come out of that mistletoe comment. So, I filled her in. She agrees with me how shitty our situation is because we can't start something. She would have loved to see us be together. I would have too. 

I can't help but think that all I want is him. Yes, I've dated many, many other guys since meeting FB, but he's always been there in the back of my mind. Not like anyone else. This one is different. He's got staying power. And, I know he wants us to happen, but he's so incredibly hesitant because of his upcoming move. I don't blame him for hesitating now that he knows I feel the same, but I want to know. I want to see this happen, no matter how it could end up. He rocks my thoughts, and when I think about being with him, I'm so happy. 

Some of my friends are trying to convince me to make it happen, and tell him how I really feel. And, I want to. But, not over text or messaging. I want to do it face to face, and really know what he's thinking. Our friends have mentioned to me that we have a chemistry that's visual and very hard to find. How can I just let that go? I feel what they're talking about because it's always been so easy to be with him. There's no pressure of any kind, and even now. On Saturday, I wondered if he might try to get me under the mistletoe again, but when he didn't, it wasn't so disappointing because he shows me in other ways that he's thinking about me, and wanting me the same way I want him. 

This is so frustrating. I can't just let him go. I don't quite know what to do yet, but when the time comes, I'll know exactly the right thing to do. And, say. Time to just fall asleep on it. 

xoxo

This feeling flows both ways ...

Now I know for sure about my Foodie Buddy. He and I had a brief conversation via text tonight about how we feel about each other. What led to this heavy conversation? Saturday was our group of friends' Christmas party. We went together. He picked me up and we rode down to the party in Waimanalo at a friends house. 

I haven't thought about him in that way in a while, so when he came to get me, it was great to see him and I was happy. Friendly happy. It was the first time he'd seen my haircut, so he told me while I was preparing to get on the bike that he really liked my hair. He sort of couldn't shut up about it all night, turns out. So, we get going and he cruises it down the highway, doing as I asked politely. I was a little nervous about riding with him again since the last ride was a very wild one. 

We get to our friends' house, and a few others are already there. My friend, the hostess comes out to greet us and she immediately notices my hair and tells me she loves it. FB goes on about my hair as well, throwing in that it's "kinda hot, T" ... hahaha. I reply, "well, you're leaving, so ...." 

We enter the house and it's decorated so festively, and I put my things down, get my pupu out and then head to the kitchen to help. We start decorating sugar cookies and laying out the spread of food. The kitchen always seems to be the gathering place in any house I'm in. So, we all have a great night, with great food and each other. It was a white elephant party, so a good part of the night was opening gifts and having a riot with what everyone got. 

At the end of the night, FB takes me home and one of our other riding buddies comes along since he's going the same way. I was a little disappointed that we weren't alone, cause I had my eye on FB all night. I sort of hoped we might get a kiss in at the end of the night. But, it's alright since we made a date for the following weekend. Movie night. 

The next day, party pics were blowing up facebook, and it was almost like reliving the night. There was one picture of two guys pretending to kiss under the mistletoe. Mistletoe?! I never even saw it!! So, I commented that I didn't see it. And, FB comments how he was trying to get me under it all night. And, that was it. The thought festered in my head for the next day. So, it led to our talk tonight. 

I'm glad to have gotten it out in the open, even if there's nothing to be done about it. He's moving soon, and we aren't about to start something now. I still like our relationship exactly the way it is. Part of me wants to know more, wants to DO more with him, but I fear it may not be enough, and then I'll be stuck trying to fall out of love with someone I never had a real chance with anyway. Actually, I think he and I would have made it. If, we both came clean in the very beginning. Shit. 

I'm not gonna think about that cause then I'll just get mad. Another one is getting away. When will he stay? Will I ever stop asking that question? I have no idea. I have no idea. 

Do I wanna know ...?

Been thinking a lot lately of something that might make sense in my life. Rather, someone. There's a song out by Arctic Monkeys called 'Do I wanna know' and it's heavy. At least it is to me. 

Every word speaks to me, and it says he's gonna wait for me ... forever. Sigh. I don't know what to do because I'm conflicted. One day, I think that we can make it work. Then, the next day, I'm over it. And, then I think that maybe we can try. But, then, I think ... no way. 

Part of me wishes he stayed away from me. Never contacted me again. He hurt me so bad. Worse than anyone I've ever been involved with. And, I can't help but feel like I destroyed his life. I ruined him for anyone else. Sigh. I got over this guy four years ago. What the hell?!

He and I talk. We're trying to be friends. We haven't seen each other in about a year, but it's inevitable. He tells me that he's not expecting anything but friendship, but I know better. I've asked him on several occasions if there was anyone else he's thinking about. "Just you" is all he ever tells me. Fuck. 

He's going to want more a lot faster than me. A whole hell of a lot faster because I don't even know what I want. With him. I could be safe with him. I remember feeling so safe, so right with him. All I wanted was to be with him forever. It's amazing what four years will do, how it changes you. 

Then I think, if I have to think about it THIS much, and come up with no clear answer, maybe it's not meant to be. Maybe. Ugh, I think it's the damn holidays making me like this. I've never had someone around the holidays. Yeah, I was married for seven years, and would you believe it ... he was never there. Always, always, ALWAYS fucking working. I was there for him ... attended each and every damn Christmas party at his restaurant. Only cause it was a damn awesome riot! If anyone has ever been to a Haleiwa Joe's Christmas Party, you know what the hell I'm talking about. Can't help but smile about that. 

Anyway, I've always wanted to share my holiday traditions with someone I love, someone that loves me, too. I can't help but feel a little pang of jealousy when I see my younger cousins bringing their significant others around to our family gatherings. I want that for me. I've always wanted that. Shit, when I play Sims, I always make them family oriented. How sad is that? That I sometimes escape to a simulated world where my sim has everything she's ever wanted. Sigh. 

Well, it's getting late here. I'll wrap this post up, and get ready for bed ...

Right after I do a little writing. The creative juices are good for some gettin'!

Night, readers .... xoxo

Just when you think ....

Just when you think you've met a nice guy, wrong! Last night made me think about a little test I might start putting guys through if they want to date me.

True, I'm still on a dating hiatus, but last night I went to a movie with a new friend. Well, he's not so new since I met him over a year ago. We never had a chance to hang out, and after yesterday, I remember why.

I met this guy around the same time I was seeing Movie pants man. We emailed a bit, and for some reason I gave him my number. He found me on facebook (creepy), and we texted a little. That, I remember. 

So, a few nights ago, I get an email from this guy asking how I'm doing ... like he knows me. I went through his profile because I had no idea who it was, and after looking at some pictures, his face was familiar. I emailed back that I was doing fine. So, he answers and tells me that he was really into me before, but I had someone else. This was true, but I still didn't know what he was talking about. Then, he asks to hang out and see a movie. I thought, sure, sounds harmless. He let me pick the movie and it was gonna be his treat. Score! Just hanging out, no pressure. His words.

After that message, he asks for my number again which I'm not willing to give up, but low and behold, he finds my number in his contacts and CALLS me. WTF!? I didn't answer, so he texts. I text back, that I didn't know it was HIM calling. So, he calls AGAIN. I mean, really? Geezus. I answer, and he wants to just talk and talk. I tell him that I'm not an "on the phone" type of person, I text. He goes OH NOOOO! And makes a big stink about it, then tells me to talk on the phone because it's something different. Oh, please. So, I cut it short saying I have to get back to B, which I really did, and we say bye.

Throughout the rest of the day, he texts about the movie later, and calls a few more times. One time to ask if I want him to pick me up. I'm already wary about this guy, so I'm not stupid. I tell him that I'll meet him, then he hems and haws and wants to come get me, yet I say no thank you. So, the movie time nears, and he texts that he's almost to the theater. Dude, was on his way an hour before! I mean, come on! Could you be any more desperate?! So, fifteen minutes before start time, I leave the house and get there and greet him casually. It was the first face to face meet, and I'm completely on guard from the start. I'm friendly and chatty, and before the movie, we sit and talk a little. 

When the movie starts, it's quiet, but every now and then, he leans over and asks me more personal questions. It was almost the middle of the movie, and he stares at me for a while and then makes his move. Dude tried and tried to make out with me, and all the while, I'm getting more and more mad, trying to fend this creep off. Ruining the movie for me to boot!! I had to threaten to leave the theater for him to stop. By this time, I'm pissed, but calm down and enjoy the rest of the movie by myself in my own little bubble.

After it's over, we make small talk about how it was good, and hug good night. I thank him for the movie and coming out so late. We both head for our respective restrooms, and I come out first. I didn't see him anywhere so I figure he left. I leave for home, grateful that I don't have to deal with an awkward goodbye since I'll never see this guy again. But, I get home and look at my phone, he texted "where u go" ... I had to laugh. I apologize and say that I thought he left. 

Haven't heard from him since. And, I hope I never will.

That's it for thinking there's a good side to any of these guys that pursue me on that stupid dating site! It's entertaining and flattering, but if you want a second date with me, you gotta pass the Gentleman test! 

xoxo

Writing, writing and .... reading!

So, for this week's update, I'm happy to report that I have started on a new story for a new book. I've been brainstorming, character developing and writing. I've also started reading .... wait for it ....

FIFTY SHADES OF GREY. 

Ugh, yes. I finally gave in. Curiosity got the best of me, and so I started the first book in Fifty Shades trilogy. And, I have to say that I don't know what all the hype is about. I mean, yes it's a good, twisted story and she's a great writer, but it's no different than any other romantic, erotic novel. Personally, I find the writings of Annette Blair to be much more entertaining, and heart-warming. Same goes for Kristan Higgans. 

But, while I'm only on the first book in the trilogy, I am seeing many, MANY parallels to the hugely popular Twilight saga. I read somewhere that the goal of the author was to make the story a parallel to Twilight. She has succeeded so far .... the difference being that the characters are a little older, and there's sex. And, instead of vampires and werewolves, there are college graduates and extremely successful business philanthropists. Well, one extremely successful business philanthropist who is F*CKED up to the CORE! The lead, well, she is Bella ... older. Self-absorbed, naive, aloof AND stupid. So stupid. I find myself rolling my eyes at her constantly because of the horrible decisions she makes. 

Hang on! Before you Fifty Shades fans get all upset and blast back at me, let me say that I have committed myself to reading the whole trilogy. Once started, I must finish. I'm not saying that I don't like it, I do. She's a great writer and I'm enjoying her storytelling style. It's very similar to my own. And, it's actually a pretty fast read, so I hope I get the second and third books soon. Amazon is usually pretty good about that! I also hope that the story gets better with each book. I found that to be the very opposite of the Twilight saga. I read the first one so fast, and I was totally enthralled. And, then the second book came and went. The story got incredibly boring and I got a little irritated with the characters. The third book was a bit better, but the fourth .... forget it. The story just went waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay out there. I can't even finish it! It's been how many years now ....?? I couldn't even bring myself to watch the last installment of the movie saga. 

So, I didn't mean to spend this post talking about Fifty Shades of a F*cktard and Twi-what?? Bahahaha! But, that's what I've been reading and I just needed to spill about it a bit. 

Still nothing on the man-front. Thank goodness. 

xoxo

Making goals and keeping them

After thinking about it for a night, I think what I originally thought might be my first published book may not be after all. I have a whole lot of ideas for stories in my head swimming around, but there's one in particular that I think may get done and published faster. 

As far as goals, I'm taking about my writing. Today, I've been brainstorming this new story and reinstating my previous goals for writing. After making a list of old and new goals, it definitely looks doable. 

At first, I'll strive to publish a small novel that's around 300 pages. I've done my research, and that seems fair for a first time writer. So, as long as I reach my writing goals everyday, I should have a finished manuscript within a year. 

Here's the kicker: I can't think about it. Not too much, anyway. If I do, my fears could get the best of me, yet again, and I might stop the process all together. Again. I can't afford to fail now. It's time to kick my fear in the face and get it done. 

I know that this blog started as an aversion to a popular media site, but it's become a lot more than that. Whether I have readers or not, I'm going to keep posting. And, now that I have a renewed passion about my writing, to keep myself going, I'm going to talk about my progress here. If anyone wants to send words of encouragement my way, I welcome it.

So, readers if you're out there, thank you for your support. I look forward to writing more, and telling you guys about it ....

Til next time ... 

Back to it!

After a long break from working on my book, I opened it up today to see what I could get done. For some reason, I find that I work best when it's cold and rainy out. What would also help ... an actual writing environment aka, a desk and comfy-ass chair. I think I might be growing up ....

So, I've been thinking a lot lately. About where I'm taking this writing of mine. I want to take it somewhere, that's for damn sure. But, I need to commit. I need to stick to the goals I set for myself. It isn't an easy road to get published and sold, but it's what I want. And, I think that might have been hindering my creative process. Over-thinking the next step in the process. 

I know I'm a good writer, I've always been good at it without thinking about it. But, lately my priorities have been out of whack. Well, not lately, but within the last year, I've been sorting through the shit, and finding out what's really important to me as far as family and work. 

My Little B is my number one. Even more so than the love of a man. It would be nice to find my Mr. Right, but it's not my main concern anymore. Dating ... who needs it. Meeting new guys, who cares. I just want to be with my daughter, and I want to do what's best for her and myself. 

And, I want to write, and I want it to be a success. Not gonna lie, I want to do a lot with my writing. Not just my blog, my book ideas and stories, but, I want to someday do screenwriting for a movie or television. Even do back story for video games. That's how much I love to write. I know I have readers out there, but I don't know who's reading because no one likes to comment. Is this what it's like to just be another nobody with a blog? Am I just sending things into the void of this vastly amassed information super highway? Can't help but wonder ....

Anyway, enough about me. The writing is what's important. And, I'm definitely working on that. 

So, it's a new day and I look forward to getting more writing done!

Ta ....

Still too soon ....

As some of my readers know, I've been on a break from dating and meeting guys. Well, I broke that rule of late and I am so happy that I did. Not.

I started talking to this guy I met on that piece of shit dating site over a year ago. Nothing ever came of our chats, except that. Chats. Not until a few weeks ago. 

We start talking again, and he mentions how he'd still like to meet. I tell him that I've been through the ringer over the last year or so, and I wasn't up to it. He said he understood, but he still wanted to, and insisted that he was not an asswipe like all the rest. At least, of the guys that I've dated. 

I take a day or two to think about it (not much, mind you), but I decide to give it a shot. He seemed nice, genuine and he was pretty cute. Is pretty cute. Tall, handsome ... looks strong. But, that's beside the point. So, we meet up. But, before we do, we chat a little more for a couple weeks. Finally, he says that he has (last) Thursday off, and asked if we could meet. I suggest a morning coffee date at Starbucks. He agrees and seems very enthused about it. 

So, after dropping B off, I arrive at my local Starbucks just a little after 8 am. I get there, and the line was just ridiculously long. Both, drive thru AND inside. So, I check my phone to see if there's any messages from him. Sure enough, there was. He texted that he woke up late, but was going to hop in the shower and head over, pushing the time back to 8:45. I tell him that I was already there, but to take his time since the line was absurdly long. Plus, I wanted to eat my bagel and cream cheese in peace. 

After getting my pumpkin spice latte and bagel, I chose a small table near the back of the establishment, and ate. Took my sweet time and really enjoyed my plain, toasted bagel smothered in cream cheese. I've been craving it for weeks. After finishing it, I start sipping on my PSL since it's had a chance to cool down. As I was sipping, I notice the group of people sitting in the front on the comfy seats had gotten up, and left. So, I quickly gather my things and move to the front. Shortly after, he arrives. We recognize each other instantly, and I get up to greet him. 

He goes to get his drink, and I wait .... and people watch. After he returns, we get comfy and start talking. It's easy talking to him, I found, and we end up chatting for over an hour. He then walks me to my car, we hug and he tells me that he'll "buzz me in a little bit." 

So, we continue a little on text, and he says that he wants to hang out more. I think, great! Because I do too. I suggest dinner and a movie some time this weekend. 

But, before we make firm plans for this, he stops by my house to see me on Friday afternoon. It was a brief visit, and we both agreed it had been nice to see each other again. That night, he went to first Friday with his friends, and I stayed in with my B. 

Next day, we chat a little bit, and he says how his day would be better if he were with me. I think, how sweet, and then start trying to firm up plans for Sunday evening. But, this gets no response ... for a whole day. I don't hear from him again until after 7pm tonight. Hello, we were supposed to already be out on the date. But, it's ok because he says he isn't feeling so hot, and he didn't mean to disappear on me. YEAH RIGHT. 

The guy is obviously not as interested in me as he or I thought. So, I text him back that I get it. And, now I'm bummed because I started to think he actually wanted to date me. Big mistake. Probably won't ever hear from him again. Yeah ..... awesome. 

Another one bites the dust. 

Goodnight. And, Fuck YOU, Sasquatch (my loud-ass snoring neighbor)

Friday the 13th ....

No, I don't believe in that superstition, but something did happen to me this morning. I spontaneously decided to hang out with one of my guy friends in Kailua. We were supposed to do something earlier this week, but that didn't happen, so he suggested that he would be off today. I said no. But, this morning, I realized my whole morning was free, so I texted and he was game. 

I got ready around 10:30 this morning, and headed out. I hadn't even pulled out on to the highway yet when my car does a shake, like when you're in 3rd gear and you come to a stop without putting the clutch all the way in. Except, I was in neutral. Then, it dies. Great. To top that spectacular thing off, it was pouring out. I started getting flustered which raised my temperature as I tried over and over to get my car started. Hazard lights on, I waved cars on that were in the back of me. Thank goodness it was a Friday morning AFTER rush hour traffic! I had a few cars stop on the side and ask if I needed help, but this has happened to me before years ago with my second car. I kept turning the key, and held the gas pedal down for a while, put it in 1st, then it was off and then back in a big circle to my house.

After pulling into my driveway, I kept the engine on to let it run and see if it was going to die again. By this time, the rain had stopped, but it was still cool out. I contemplated taking a chance and going to meet my friend, but I really felt like the universe was telling me to stay home. 

Now, this guy is the one that irks me to no end ... most of the time. And, when I cancel plans, he makes it known that he's really disappointed. Well, I guess I can't blame him, but I cancel because of very good reasons. Once, B had a cold, so no meeting up. Another time, it got too late, and it was a school night. And, then today.

I'm actually glad I stayed home. Got to catch up on reading, and took a nice long nap before I had to pick up B from school. By then, Shiro (the car) was running just fine. B and I went out for a late lunch, then to Safeway to shop for snacks to provide after her soccer game tomorrow. I almost stopped at the mall, but I thought that might be pushin' it. 

So, now I sit here, on my bed just thinking. Thinking how I miss the company of a man, a partner, someone I can confide in, and just feel completely comfortable with. And, the more I think about it, the more bummed I get. At least, that's the case tonight. I'm happy that I have my little B, but I want someone to care for me, too. Tired of having a broken family. 

Probably doesn't help that I'm reading this trilogy that has to do with 3 sisters, who are triplets, that find their true love and the family love that they've always wanted. 

 

They're heartwarming stories, but they also make me want that family love that they seek, and find. Almost done with the third book, then it's back to GOT - Game of Thrones!

So, all in all, it wasn't such a bad day .... sort of melancholy, but it's okay. There's always tomorrow .... <3

Gripe session

Yeah, that's right. I have a gripe, a bone to pick with the opposite sex. Guys, tell me why the hell is it so fun and awesome to string girls along?? 

No, no ... it's not something that's happening to me right now, but, as I look back at my dating experiences, it's something that has happened more than I would have liked. It's happened enough times where I start to see the signs earlier and earlier. 

Now, I know, boys .... the attention is so wonderful that you just can't get enough. Even though you'd never see a future with this girl, you'd still gladly use her for her fun and flirty side, and what ever else you can get from her. Nevermind the fact that she might, I don't know, have FEELINGS on the subject, or for YOU, even. Which gets stupider and stupider (I don't care if it's not a word, dammit!) because she's over here developing all these feelings of like, and maybe even love, and you boys are all over there, thinking how much more can I squeeze out of this pathetic life form?? And, then, when you're confronted about what's going on, you say "oh, I don't know. I didn't have any expectations going into this. I don't think we feel the same." But, you're thinking that if you give her enough time, you can still win her over, and then play her for the fool you think she is. And, all this while you keep your eye out for someone worth giving your all to. UGH ... 

Having fun is one thing. Making that clear from the very beginning, totally different. When I am about to go into a relationship, or even dating someone, I make sure my intentions are crystal clear. Though, as I think back on it now, it really didn't matter to the other person what my intentions were. Sigh. Piece of shit. 

What I'm saying is, guys, please do us all a favor and know what the hell it is you want from the get-go! Be open about your intentions, and nevermind that you may or may not get rejected! Who freaking cares. You're a man, you're resilient, so just move on if the girl you are currently pursuing doesn't want to be treated like a chew toy! And, if she doesn't mind, more power to you. But, as for me and probably a lot of girls out there, WE DON'T WANT IT! So take your toys and your fun and get the hell away from me! I am a lady and I deserve to be treated with respect, dammit! 

There, I said it. End gripe. 

Last Friday

Sooooo, as promised, here's a little recap of bike night last Friday. 

Foodie buddy and I met up at the usual spot before we all rolled out that night. Usually, he rides upfront with the leader of the pack. Every one of the bike nights I've gone to, he's at the head of the pack. 

But, not this time. While everyone suits up, revs their engines, he waits for me to board his ride, and I do ... not taking too long. So, I expect him to ride up to the front, but he lets everyone else go in front of him. Ok, suspicious-balls.

Right from the start, his ride is rough. I mean, it usually is, but tonight, it felt even more so .... like he had an edge, a side of him I've never seen before ...Saturday ride-man. Guy LOVES to ride, that much is clear, and he's a very experienced rider, and one of the only guys I really trust to ride with. Hell, he's even going to teach me to ride when I get my bike! 

So, right from the start, we're charging down the highway to the first freeway exit. I'm holding on a little more than usual, and thinking that maybe I just haven't gone on a ride with him for so long that I'm not used to his intensity. That, and I totally forgot about the hand-taps!! DUH! As we're entering the freeway, he takes advantage of the full turn and speed ... and, here, I thought I was going to die. I was locked in tight, but my legs were gonna give since my ass was slipping off the seat! Not very comfortable AT ALL! 

We level out, and catch up with the pack on the freeway. It's barely 9 at night on a Friday, so traffic is pretty heavy around us. No room to blast off. I thank the Lord, and relax just a little. 

Getting to the next exit, there were no crazy turns, but at the stop light, the visors go up and he turns to me. I say "Everything ok???" And, he goes "Yeah, you alright back there?" So, I tell him that I nearly flew off at the first freeway exit, and he cracks up! "I tapped your hand, and you were locked in tight," he says with a smile. Damn that smile. He's wearing a helmet, but dude still looks good in it! Anyway, he asks why I asked if everything was ok, and I reiterated my almost dying on that turn. He laughed again. Always joking, this guy.

So, the light turns green and we start heading for Pali and the windward side. It was a pretty mellow ride right until we reached the bottom of the Pali and started the climb. Other bikers around us start doing wheelies and other stunts, and I just know what's going through his head. He wants to stunt too ... dammit! And, a few seconds later, the hand-tap comes, this time harder so he knows I feel it, and in no time, we're taking off on the back wheel of his ride. This, wasn't so bad since we've done wheelies before. I know how to hold him for that. But, on the downside of the Pali, there's a huge left hook turn, and when he started to let the group get away, and gap some space between us and everyone else, I knew it was coming. Hand-tap, and then he took off in a hard, left tilting turn! 

Let me just say that I have done turns with him and other bikers, but NEVER as intense as this. My ass actually had to leave the seat to get the bike down. We've talked about it before so I knew what to do. I followed his lead, rather, his ass and both of our butts left the seat. It. Was. CRAZYBALLS! Never, have I done such an intense turn. OHHHH, but that wasn't ALL. First meeting point was at the bottom of the Pali, or the top of 13 turns. Again, we trailed the pack, and he slowed up while the other bikes pulled in. At this point, you can either go up and park, Or, you can take a ride down the 13 turns. Guess which one we did ....?!?!?! 

I've been down 13 turns on a bike before, in a car, many times. But, this ride was a hell of a lot different than all those times put together. Holy crazy shitballs. I really thought I was going to fly off the bike, head first and die. Those turns taken at a high speed are damn intense. I held on for dear life as gravity tried desperately to pull me to the ground. I don't think my ass was properly on the back seat that whole ride down. He lifted off to the right, so did I, then immediately to the left, then back again. It seemed to last forever, but finally ended when he stopped at a stop sign in the neighborhood. I pushed my visor up and padded his back. He asked how I liked it. HAHA! I had to confess and tell him that I was not up for such an intense ride. But, to him, it was hardly anything fast. And, then he goes "I thought you loved that stuff," so I answered that YES, I do, I just wasn't feeling like a speedy demon that night. 

And, so after I asked him nicely, we cruised the rest of the ride. Oh, that was so nice and exactly what I wanted. I could relax, put my hands somewhere other than locked around him, and just breath. 

That night, after I got home, I crawled into my bed where my little B was asleep, and just held her. I thanked God that I got home to her safely, and in one piece that night <3<3

Confused & Tired

Ever get so tired of throwing hints at someone trying to let them know that you're into them? Well, that's so totally the case tonight.

For the passed few months, I've been content not dating and not being interested in anyone. But, tomorrow night, I'm riding with my foodie buddy again. We made a plan to hit up the next bike night together about a week ago, and it's coming up tomorrow ... well, later tonight.

SO, tonight when I texted him the plans for meeting up and drop off, he said it sounds good. Actually, he worked out the ride plans, and I just had to confirm. So, yes, I texted back that I am excited and ready to ride! He says he is too, BUT the only reason he's going to this one is cause I asked him. HUH??

He tells me it's a long story, and that he was going to skip the next few bike nights. So, I'm a little baffled because dude never skips a bike night, only for family events or emergencies. 

Sigh. Can you tell, I'm still into the guy?? Well, apparently he can't see it anymore than he did before. So, after I gave him the option to share his long story, he said he didn't want to. And, that's fine. But, now I feel like I've forced him to go and be uncomfortable .... even though he says it's all good.

I guess we'll see. Slam it.

Night, my readers <3

Return of the Asshat

So, last night I get this text from an unknown number. It was a friendly hello, so I answered back with hi. I tried to think who it could be since I've deleted a lot of the guys I dated/talked to from the past 2 years. So, after I answered with "hi" I get a picture message back from this person.

It's a picture of HIS JUNK! Who do I know that sends me pics of his dong when I don't even ask NOR do I want to see it?? Yup, the Asshat. He's back. Anyway, the rest of the text convo went like this ....

I have to say that this guy has got some balls. Literally ... haha, kidding. But, seriously. To take a chance and text someone you haven't talked to or even MET in person after not having any contact for months and months?? Balls.

As you can see from our text message, I didn't stand to talk to this pig for long. Memory of his quick temper, text messages of his crude nature that always turned to ridicule, and then endless phone calls that go straight to my voicemail .... I was not excited to experience THAT again. 

I thought I handled it quick and rather cleverly, if I do say so myself. And, after months and months of not dating, not talking with guys or meeting anyone new, I realize that the amount of bullshit I'm willing to take from the opposite sex is zero to none. Shitty for any potential suitors, I know. But, it's what happens after you grow out of a phase, I guess. 

A phase. I guess that's all it was. After being with one man all through my twenties, I felt it was time I went out and enjoyed life as a single person. Doing what I wanted and seeing what potential lies out there with other people. Got my heart smashed a lot, but I suppose that's the price I paid for the experience.

Don't get me wrong. I'm very glad to have had the life I lived in the last 2 years, but I guess I'm saying that I'm over it. I'm tired. I still love to spend time with my friends, but most of all, I love being with my daughter. She is my light and my love. She only has one parent, and it's up to me to make it up to her because she has no real daddy to count on. 

With that said, I'm contemplating revealing a bit more about myself to you readers. I'm thinking in my next post ....

xoxo

A Re-vist from my past

And, it's not a very good one, actually. Have you ever known someone that asked the dumbest questions, that you think if you could, you'd reach through your phone and ring their neck? Tis the case with this guy I'm sort of talking to at the moment.

I knew him years ago, and after I broke his heart, and he obliterated mine, I moved on. WAY on. 

When he resurfaced in my life about a year and a half ago, I thought, why? This guy could not STILL have those kind of feelings for me. But, after chatting with him for a while, I find out that, yes, he's still got something for me and it sort of took me by surprise.

All that time that I spent trying to get over him, trying not to care about him or what he was doing, where he was and who he was with was definitely time well spent, because I couldn't be MORE over the moon about being over this guy. The day I decided I was done with him, I was. Truly and completely. 

But, now we're in each other's lives again. Just text friends, but he wants more than that. And, I thought about it while I was traveling. I thought that it was nice to be alone and single, but he might make a good partner. A good guy to come home to after a long day. 

And then ... we start talking. And, he drives me UP THE WALLS with his insipid questions about what I'm doing and where I am. Who I'm with and if I'm having a good time. Do I miss him?? Yada, yada, yada. 

Then, I think ... I cannot do this. Not with him. How can I go backwards?? It's like trying to eat my own shit and drink my own puke. Not gonna happen. Makes me crazy. So, sorry guy but you have been 86'd!

I dare say this won't be the only post devoted to sir dumb-dumb, but we shall see. Damn. 

Summer break is done ....

Hey there my lovely readers! Yes, it's true. Another enjoyable summer has come to an end, and here we are, staring into the face of the latter part of the year. 

Where to begin?? My summer started with a bang! I haven't rode all that much, but I did travel for almost a month. Taking the kid to Oregon for a family trip to see one of my cousins graduate from the U of O, and then it was off to California to enjoy a Disney family adventure. Also stopped into San Diego for a day to visit Shamu. 

One of my riding buddies moved up there while I was there, but didn't get to meet up, but that's alright. Still had a nice time in the land of Shamu.

What has everyone else been up to? My little B has been taking swim lessons for the summer, and we get out to the beach or M's pool as much as we can. Last Saturday, we went out to the sandbar and spent the afternoon swimming and having a blast. Just about all of my little cousins came out, and even brought some of their friends. That evening, we had a nice get together with the whole family before all the kids went their separate ways ... again. 

For me, I am currently a stay-at-home mom. And, that's just fine with me. I got laid off, but it hasn't stopped me from pursuing things that I love. Besides a lot more quality time with B, I have time to spend catching up on my reading and writing. True, I haven't posted here for a few months, but I am back. 

This past Friday, I got to ride with one of my buddies for bike night. He recently bought a Honda cruiser, so it was a nice and comfy ride for me. We met up with the usual gang, and rode around before ending the night at Hooters. Lots of fun, most definitely!

So, that's my summer summed up ... mostly!

It's calling me ...

Ever since I was a child, I always wondered what a "calling" would be like. I was brought up Catholic, went to Catholic school up until high school. And, all that time, the nuns and priests would talk about their calling, and how, when it's the right time, you will hear your calling. 

Throughout my life, I've tried different things, and thought I wanted to do this or that. I'm a legal clerk in the field of law, and have been doing this for over a decade. Yet, I don't feel any part of it "calling" me. I've been doing my job for so long, that it's second nature to me. But, I can't say that I love it, and that I want to always be here doing what I love. Because I don't love it. 

I love to write, that I know. And, I do that. This blog is the only thing I have published so far, but I'm working on other projects for future publishing. But, until I can make a comfortable life out of my writing which is my passion, there has to be another avenue of income to support the life I want for B and me.

So, I think I've heard my calling. Rather, I've been hearing my calling for the past several years. Ever since I lost my first child in 2005, I've felt very comfortable in hospitals. Though, I was the one being cared for, I started to grow an admiration for those caring for me. I considered nursing, but I know how grueling the work is and the scheduling is harsh. In the last few years, I've looked into other aspects of health care, and considered phlebotomy schooling, ultrasound technician, even medical transcription. 

It's years later, and the pang to try to get my foot in the door is rising again. I'm considering a course in medical assisting. I think that would be a good place to start. Though I have all this experience in Admin work, I don't think it'll be satisfying enough for me ... to just be handling paperwork with minimal patient contact.  Anyway, I think it's time I get serious and give it a shot before the pang kills me. 

Haha ... xoxo 

Finally Friday

It is finally Friday! I've got one more hour at the office, and then I'm off to start my busy night. Not going to First Friday like originally planned, but it's a full night nonetheless. 

Today, I had a spontaneous lunch date with one of my riding buddies at Little Village in Chinatown. The food was great, and apparently we were supposed to get together today because I learned that he is selling his full size bed w/bed frame AND 42" Lcd tv. What a coincidence as I am looking for BOTH! So, after dropping mom off at Blaisedell, I'll be going to his place to check out the goods. I'm hoping I'll like it because then, I can concentrate on other things. 

After doing that, I'll be heading to Kailua to get M, then over to the inlaws to get B. She wants to eat at Ruby's tonight, so we'll end up there. And, then home. I really hope it's an early night tonight. I am pooped already .... xoxo

Thought ....

I just glanced at my reflection in the small mirror I have at my desk, and I notice how tired my eyes look. 

Being concerned about my well-being has taken a lot out of me lately. I saw the pain/nerve specialist yesterday, and I'm very glad to be having this study of the nerves in my feet/legs and hands/arms done. It's comforting to get a professionals opinion as well as treatment options. 

But, lately, I've been frustrated. Crying a lot. Hence, the tired eyes. I know it sounds lame, and I should just suck it up. Most days, I do. I'm here at work today, sucking it up. I'm in pain, but I'm here. All I want to know is what this condition is and if it's treatable, if not curable. 

Speculation of what it could be continues to make me a little crazy and worry like there's no tomorrow. But, I have to keep sane. Still, it's hard for my mind not to go there. 

Time to leave for my second appointment with the pain/nerve specialist ... xoxo

Scared

So, I got the call back from the nerve specialist, and I have to say that I am so scared. They're going to be conducting nerve testing on my feet and hands. Using a machine, needles and whatever else to see what kind of responses my nerves give. 

I am literally freaking out at the moment. I hate needles, but even more so, I can't fathom them sticking needles along the nerve! Ahhh ... omg! I want to scream! 

But, I need this. For what is going on with the nerves in my body, I need this. I need to know what is happening to me. And, I need them to fix it. Fix me because I can't go on like this anymore. You want to know what's uncomfortable? Try experiencing what I'm currently living with at the moment. It is not fun. Wish I didn't have to wear clothes cause EVERYTHING hurts my skin.

Yup. It sucks. Sigh. 

Let the healing begin ...

Along with some other things in my life, the healing process for my heart is well on its way. I'm feeling better about the whole thing. And, listening to much happier, up-beat music. The past week was meant for mourning away the possibilities of a relationship I thought was real. And, I did just that. I mourned. 

Today starts a new week. New possibilities, and new things to come. Still off dating as the thought still makes me sick. But, I'm concentrating on other aspects. For one, my health. I've almost got that all in order. I'm perfectly healthy, except for the diabetes which I have under well-regulated control now. Just one more thing to check out, and I'm currently waiting for a call back from a nerve specialist. Hoping it's something temporary, and not serious. 

On the work front, trying to keep focused on my various projects and complete some day by day. Also, looking into other avenues for work from home. Must try to make some extra money to accommodate my little B and me. I need to get her signed up for some summer programs, and mommy really wants a new tablet! 

But, before I woke out of my funk from last week, I had many offers to go out this past weekend. And, I thank all my friends for their efforts in helping me feel better. Friday night, I was able to unwind from an emotionally taxing week with a nice glass of wine, good food and good company. That was all I needed since I stayed home the rest of the weekend. So, now that the weekend has passed, I'm thinking about the next girls night out. May First Friday, it will be. And, it will be epic!

Now, back to work. My day is half over, and I'm looking forward to going home!

Cliches and lies?

I've been wondering about one thing he said the very last time we talked. Wondering if he was just trying to let me down easy, lying or if he really meant it ....

He said that maybe some time down the road, we could try again. 

Does that sound like a "get out of jail free" card? At the time, I didn't really think anything of it. He sounded so convincing ... like it might be a possibility. But, if he lost total interest, why would he say something like that? I did tell him that if there was someone else, he could tell me. I'd rather be hurt by the truth, then comforted by a lie. You know? He said that wasn't the case ... and I believe him. 

I want to bring it up, but I don't know how to ask him without sounding like a total obsessed loser. So, I figure that I'll just leave it be. If we're meant to come back together later down the road, it will happen. No point in forcing something to work when it's not on both our parts. 

Still ... I feel so alone and abandoned. I don't understand how he could just cut me out of his everyday life. Not if he still cares the way he says he did. I feel like a ghost. Like, I'm here but left to wander aimlessly without his love. That's another thing. That four letter word wasn't ever tossed around, thank goodness. I felt it, though. 

So, today makes a week since it was over. I don't know what the weekend will bring, but I am glad that work will be finished soon. Nothing worse than being completely distracted while trying to do work. And, do it well. Looking forward to a nice drink after work. Mos Def. 

Set adrift ...

On memories bliss? No, nothing blissful about being adrift at the moment. This exhausting haze has taken over my days, and it leaves very little energy for anything else. Tears of unending sadness fueled by constant thought of what went wrong is all I can manage now. 

I don't want to be like this, but it's the grieving process. It's healthy. At least, that's what I'm telling myself. 

You might be thinking that I should just get over it and move on. It was only 2 months, right? Right. But, somehow, this time it's different. I wasn't the one leaving the relationship. I wasn't the one who had become suddenly unhappy with the circumstances. I didn't do the leaving. He did. After I thought his intentions were true. He left me empty ... and broken. 

I give up. There aren't any true, real, good guys left. Because even the best of them leave. Whether you want them to or not. And, no amount of attention from the opposite sex can help me shake this. I don't want it. I just want him. And, he's switched off. Checked out and gone on his merry way. Lucky him. Wish I could get over this as easily as he has. 

But, he hasn't. I know I'm still on his mind. Not a word do I hear from him, but I know. It doesn't mean anything, just that thoughts of us might still be lingering. They won't for long. They won't for long .....

You know what I miss?

Scrolling through my fb newsfeed, I came across a friend's post about how she's addicted to this one RPG. And, that she'll beat it before her boyfriend gets home. Then, I start to think back to a time when my life was so much simpler. Back before I had a child, a full time job, and a failed marriage.

I was single and carefree. I had minimal bills to pay, and just had to worry about getting to class on time. Other than that, the rest of my time was my own. Boys were not a huge factor, and I had plenty of friends to keep my social life busy. I played music, I danced, and I enjoyed my video games. 

My favorite was an RPG called Final Fantasy. My favorites being 7, 8, 10 & 12. I could play those games all day or all night. By myself mostly, but with friends sometimes. It helped when I had a friend to read through the guide book while I ran around the game finding all the extras I wouldn't have known about on my own. Some parts of the game got so intricate, where you actually had to play a side game to continue on with the main story. It could get pretty intense, but I loved it. 

Maybe it's because I'm in a sort of limbo right now, but I want so much to go back to those carefree days. When I didn't have to be at work all day during the week, and class only took up 2 or 3 hours of my day. Back when I could turn on my game, flip open the guide book to where I left off, and just run around Midgar, Cosmo Canyon or Balamb, and just phase into my game. 

Oh, simple days ... how I miss thee. I know that life must go on, and believe me, it has. But, every now and then, I need a little escape. So, I think that after I furnish myself with a new bed, I'll go ahead on splurge on a new gaming system. I have my Wii, and I love that, but I need my PlayStation. I'm a Sony girl, after all. Yes ... and, so the hunt begins for a good, used PlayStation 3. See you later, readers .... xoxo

Do it to myself

Man! Can we say premonition?? I started this post a few weeks ago. I think this is when his text messages started coming in less frequently then they already were. Read on and enjoy. I was pretty upset ....
____________________________________________ </3
March 21, 2013

Yup, I think I just do it to myself every time. Every time I think I'm getting close to someone, BAM! It all backfires and the shit hits the fan. 

Why do I keep doing this to myself? Putting myself out there only to be taken advantage of and stomped all over. I'm over it. I want to say that I'm done with it all and that I don't NEED a man, but that isn't true.

I do think I jump head first, rather feelings first, a lot of the time. And, with my current thing, I thought I was doing really well ... not jumping in so quickly. I took the time to think about it, let it start to feel right. Oh, who am I kidding?! NO GUY wants a relationship. At least, not at the level that I want AND, apparently, not with me. 

I've been told that my self confidence, while uber attractive, is also very intimidating. So, I'm a girl who won't take your shit and call you out on it. I'll go big or not at all. What the fuck is the point otherwise?? If you're too much of a pussy to handle a girl like me, WHY chase me to begin with?? And, how hard is it to tell a girl that you chased down, got to know a little, then decided you weren't actually THAT interested in, that you're NOT interested in her?! It's a simple phone call, or even a text away. "Hey, I just want to be friends." See?? Not hard at all. I've done it, why can't you??

Do you know what my horoscope said for today? All this crap is clogging up my thinker, and I just want to know if he's interested in me the same as I am in him. But, NOOOO. It tells me to lay off, keep things light and simple without pressing for a deeper commitment. Well, shit. Then, I realize that I'm pms'ing at the moment, SO, I obey. And, I bring my madness here.

I fucking feel like my blog voice has tourettes today. It's loud, it's clear, and it's fucking pissed. Twirl on them potatoes.
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WOW. I was pissed. But, I can be funny and entertaining that way ... sometimes. Love to all my readers! I'll be back later ....