It's been a week since FB left, and life has gone on. Not too bad, actually. Of course, I miss him, but he's been really busy yet, still makes time to connect with me everyday.
The whole heartache-missing you part isn't so bad. I mean, it helps that we keep in touch the way we do, and we exchange pictures which is really nice and more than I could ask for at this point. I just crave some kind of contact with him on a daily basis, and so far, he's come through on his word.
I still don't know what we are. We're friends, yes. Good friends. That hasn't changed. But, we're definitely more than that. Have been for almost a month now. I know we talked about giving it a try and seeing what happens. I suppose I'll bring it up the next time we talk. He mentioned before he left that it seems like if we started this, we'd be doomed since he moved. But, before he left, he was happy we started this ... as I was. As I am.
I'm still not sure what our friends know. If they know anything. One friend, his roomie said he didn't know that something was going on. Just that he knew something was up, and figured we were together. If they do know something, it didn't come from me, and I'm pretty sure FB hasn't said anything either. Anyway, it doesn't matter. He's the one I want, and I'm still real happy we started something.
Long distance is hard, I know. But, I'm staying positive. One thing I keep thinking about is how he pointed out that we didn't have enough time to get to know each other in a relationship. He's right. Although, we gave it what try we could, it was so hectic with him leaving. We didn't really get much time alone. After we really talked it all out, it was one event after another and all with friends. Everyone wanted a piece of him. Don't blame them, really. He's a great guy, and I'm a lucky girl.
Anyway, I found the key to being at peace with him being so far away is not to over think any of this stuff. He likes me a lot, and I like him a lot. That's all that matters.
I'll be back with another post later in the week. Goodnight, lovers ... xoxo
Thursday, January 23, 2014
Thursday, January 16, 2014
It's out there ... now let's negotiate!
This post was written in the first week of January
_______________________________________
January 2, 2014
Yup, it's all out there. Everything has been laid out on the table. Our feelings are mutual. Very mutual. But, we're looking at this from opposite ends.
This passed Friday, we caught an early showing of The Hobbit at Koolau. He picked me up in his roomie's Beamer (since he sold his bike, and had to return his work truck). It's a six speed which I didn't know until I got in and noticed the stick shift. Wow, but for some reason, that's a huge fuckin' turn on for me.
So, the movie was a little crowded, no chance of making out really. But, the movie was awesome! And, I'm surprised how much I got into it with him sitting right next to me. By the end of it, I had my legs resting on top of his thigh, which was nice. We then took a little drive around and ended up at a local Mexican place. He took me down a road in Kaneohe that I'm very familiar with, and has become one of his favorite roads to ride/drive. I thought it was sweet that he wanted to share it with me since I am a fellow speed-demon.
After dinner, we took the long way home around Kaneohe Bay and He'eia Kea Pier. And, this is where I choose to state my case, as it were. I started by telling him that I had something to say and not to get mad at me. I asked if his attraction to me had gone, or is it because he's moving. Since we flirt all the time, I had to ask. He replied that it's because he's leaving, he's been trying hard to stay away from me.
I think this talk we had on that drive home was the most progress he and I have made in the last few weeks. We talked it all out. From the fact that he's trying hard not to fall for me because it would be easier to leave, to me telling him that I don't want to lose him. It was an emotional drive home, but one that we're both glad happened.
From his pov, he wants us to remain friends, because we're close and we've always been. He wants to see how things go with his move first. For all he knows, he could move and hate it ... his words. He could move back here after a while. And, I like that he said this, "I could move back here. And, you could move up there." Cause, yes I told him that I have family in Colorado, and I would try to visit. But, he's worried that if we get together, the lack of a physical relationship with me is going to tear us apart. Seeing each other who knows when? He's scared of that. I would be too, but I feel it could bring us closer. Technology today is so advanced, and we not only could talk anytime, we can facetime anytime we want. Though, he has an android, we'd have to tango chat. And, I am completely fine with that.
But, I know I can't make him see it my way just like that. He told me that he'll think about my points. And, I pointed out that we could just try. Because, honestly, I don't want anyone else. I want him. He'll be far away for an indefinite amount of time, but I think it's too late for me. I've already started to fall for him.
You know what's absolutely frustrating me about this? He likes me and I like him, and if he weren't moving, this wouldn't even be an issue. We'd already be together. He admitted it, like it wasn't even a question of could we? Or would we? Yes, we could work, and work so damn well! And, it's also frustrating that he's been trying to stay away from me because of his move. So, before he left Friday night, I didn't let him go until he did what I know he wanted to do. Kiss me.
After working my hardest EVER at being cute and irresistible, he finally gave in. Came around to the passenger side of the car where I had been standing, gave me the most meaningful hug we've had, and then rested his back up against the car, and pulled me into him. And, finally, the kiss I have been waiting over a year for. It was so much better than I had imagined. Could have turned into a full blown make out sesh, but he kept it classy, and left before it could escalate.
So, now this kiss haunts me whenever I have a spare moment to myself .... when I wake up in the morning ... when I'm falling asleep at night. It's nice to think about, but really makes me want him all the more.
Yesterday was the last day of 2013, and I spent half the day at the beach with him, and a few other close friends. We haven't gone public with what's going on with us, so we were our normal flirty friend selves the whole time. There was really no telling that we've become much more than friends, which is good. I don't know how our friends would react if they knew we're thinking about being together. Honestly, I don't really care. It's none of their business. But, saying goodbye yesterday wasn't as hard as I thought it was going to be. I mean, after having such a meaningful Friday night, I thought I might crave a more intimate greeting and goodbye, but I was stoically fine. It was him that wanted more. We hugged good bye, arms kinda full with bags and beach chairs, so it was just a one-armed thing, but he hugged me twice .... good squeeze too. And, it's not like there were so many of us that he had forgotten he already said bye to me. In any case, it was cute. And, I miss him.
_______________________________________
January 2, 2014
Yup, it's all out there. Everything has been laid out on the table. Our feelings are mutual. Very mutual. But, we're looking at this from opposite ends.
This passed Friday, we caught an early showing of The Hobbit at Koolau. He picked me up in his roomie's Beamer (since he sold his bike, and had to return his work truck). It's a six speed which I didn't know until I got in and noticed the stick shift. Wow, but for some reason, that's a huge fuckin' turn on for me.
So, the movie was a little crowded, no chance of making out really. But, the movie was awesome! And, I'm surprised how much I got into it with him sitting right next to me. By the end of it, I had my legs resting on top of his thigh, which was nice. We then took a little drive around and ended up at a local Mexican place. He took me down a road in Kaneohe that I'm very familiar with, and has become one of his favorite roads to ride/drive. I thought it was sweet that he wanted to share it with me since I am a fellow speed-demon.
After dinner, we took the long way home around Kaneohe Bay and He'eia Kea Pier. And, this is where I choose to state my case, as it were. I started by telling him that I had something to say and not to get mad at me. I asked if his attraction to me had gone, or is it because he's moving. Since we flirt all the time, I had to ask. He replied that it's because he's leaving, he's been trying hard to stay away from me.
I think this talk we had on that drive home was the most progress he and I have made in the last few weeks. We talked it all out. From the fact that he's trying hard not to fall for me because it would be easier to leave, to me telling him that I don't want to lose him. It was an emotional drive home, but one that we're both glad happened.
From his pov, he wants us to remain friends, because we're close and we've always been. He wants to see how things go with his move first. For all he knows, he could move and hate it ... his words. He could move back here after a while. And, I like that he said this, "I could move back here. And, you could move up there." Cause, yes I told him that I have family in Colorado, and I would try to visit. But, he's worried that if we get together, the lack of a physical relationship with me is going to tear us apart. Seeing each other who knows when? He's scared of that. I would be too, but I feel it could bring us closer. Technology today is so advanced, and we not only could talk anytime, we can facetime anytime we want. Though, he has an android, we'd have to tango chat. And, I am completely fine with that.
But, I know I can't make him see it my way just like that. He told me that he'll think about my points. And, I pointed out that we could just try. Because, honestly, I don't want anyone else. I want him. He'll be far away for an indefinite amount of time, but I think it's too late for me. I've already started to fall for him.
You know what's absolutely frustrating me about this? He likes me and I like him, and if he weren't moving, this wouldn't even be an issue. We'd already be together. He admitted it, like it wasn't even a question of could we? Or would we? Yes, we could work, and work so damn well! And, it's also frustrating that he's been trying to stay away from me because of his move. So, before he left Friday night, I didn't let him go until he did what I know he wanted to do. Kiss me.
After working my hardest EVER at being cute and irresistible, he finally gave in. Came around to the passenger side of the car where I had been standing, gave me the most meaningful hug we've had, and then rested his back up against the car, and pulled me into him. And, finally, the kiss I have been waiting over a year for. It was so much better than I had imagined. Could have turned into a full blown make out sesh, but he kept it classy, and left before it could escalate.
So, now this kiss haunts me whenever I have a spare moment to myself .... when I wake up in the morning ... when I'm falling asleep at night. It's nice to think about, but really makes me want him all the more.
Yesterday was the last day of 2013, and I spent half the day at the beach with him, and a few other close friends. We haven't gone public with what's going on with us, so we were our normal flirty friend selves the whole time. There was really no telling that we've become much more than friends, which is good. I don't know how our friends would react if they knew we're thinking about being together. Honestly, I don't really care. It's none of their business. But, saying goodbye yesterday wasn't as hard as I thought it was going to be. I mean, after having such a meaningful Friday night, I thought I might crave a more intimate greeting and goodbye, but I was stoically fine. It was him that wanted more. We hugged good bye, arms kinda full with bags and beach chairs, so it was just a one-armed thing, but he hugged me twice .... good squeeze too. And, it's not like there were so many of us that he had forgotten he already said bye to me. In any case, it was cute. And, I miss him.
Took my breath away
January 8, 2014
It just hit me square in the chest that FB will be gone in less than a week. How did I let the time slip through my fingers? These last few weeks with him have been nothing short of amazing. We've discovered so much about each other, and how much we love to be together.
But, it's all for what? I don't know what's going to happen now, and that scares me. He'll be thousands of miles plus an ocean away. How long will his feelings for me last? I don't want to be with anyone else, but I can't say the same for him. Because, I don't know.
_________________________________________________________
January 15, 2014
It's been a week since I started this last post, and yes, FB is gone. He left last night. It helped that one of my cousins is visiting this week from AZ, so I've spent the last two days with her and not thinking about him leaving.
Until last night. A bunch of us went out to Bdubs as a last dinner with FB right before he had to get to the airport. I brought my cousin along since I wanted to hang out with her too, and have few beers since we've always talked about doing that when she visits, or I visit.
So, we get there and the group is starting to arrive, and Bdubs is CRAZY busy ... on a Tuesday night. I mean, WTF?? Waiting at the front for a table got ridiculous, so we went to the bar, and eventually kapu'd enough tables where everyone could sit. My cousin bought me my first drink, and it did the trick. I was feeling good, not sad at all the whole night. I had a great time with everyone. Right up until he started making his goodbye rounds. I texted him to save mine for the very last.
He did. Boy, did he.
Just about the whole group went outside, FB and I walked out together, arms around each other. Talking and joking the whole walk out. Then, some friends wanted pictures, and then he was off to get the truck. Half the group rode, so they were off suiting up which left me there with FB's roommates as they waited for him to bring the truck around. It was like a wave of emotion smashed up against me, and the water works came forth. There was nothing I could do to stop it. I tried my best to conceal my sobs, but it was no use. By this time, everyone saw me, but I couldn't have cared less. The truck pulls up, and he jumps out and runs over to me. His roomies make their way to the truck, and he comes up and wraps his arms around me, holding me tight.
I bury my head in his chest and let that huge sob go. And, I cried. Like a baby. His voice was comforting, and so were his words. I told him that I'm gonna miss him, and he said he'll miss me too. But, this moment could not last long since he was rushing off to make his flight. We had already kept him longer than we should have. So, he looks at me briefly, then gives me a tender goodbye kiss on my lips. Since I've only kissed him twice, I've been trying to imprint his lips on my mine in my mind. To keep it fresh, and to warm me when I'm feeling sad.
After he left, I made my way back into the restaurant where I cried more, and tried to settle before driving home. My cousin and I sat in the parking lot for a bit, when I get a text from him ... "I'm really going to miss you." My heart jumped, so happy at his words. And, for the rest of the night, I was sad, but the worst of it had passed.
Today, I was in a rather good mood. There were moments here and there that got me down, but I would remember that he isn't leaving me, and I'm not losing him. This is just an obstacle ... a really big obstacle that I know we can overcome. Because, like I told him, I think we could be amazing together. And, I know I'm right.
It just hit me square in the chest that FB will be gone in less than a week. How did I let the time slip through my fingers? These last few weeks with him have been nothing short of amazing. We've discovered so much about each other, and how much we love to be together.
But, it's all for what? I don't know what's going to happen now, and that scares me. He'll be thousands of miles plus an ocean away. How long will his feelings for me last? I don't want to be with anyone else, but I can't say the same for him. Because, I don't know.
_________________________________________________________
January 15, 2014
It's been a week since I started this last post, and yes, FB is gone. He left last night. It helped that one of my cousins is visiting this week from AZ, so I've spent the last two days with her and not thinking about him leaving.
Until last night. A bunch of us went out to Bdubs as a last dinner with FB right before he had to get to the airport. I brought my cousin along since I wanted to hang out with her too, and have few beers since we've always talked about doing that when she visits, or I visit.
So, we get there and the group is starting to arrive, and Bdubs is CRAZY busy ... on a Tuesday night. I mean, WTF?? Waiting at the front for a table got ridiculous, so we went to the bar, and eventually kapu'd enough tables where everyone could sit. My cousin bought me my first drink, and it did the trick. I was feeling good, not sad at all the whole night. I had a great time with everyone. Right up until he started making his goodbye rounds. I texted him to save mine for the very last.
He did. Boy, did he.
Just about the whole group went outside, FB and I walked out together, arms around each other. Talking and joking the whole walk out. Then, some friends wanted pictures, and then he was off to get the truck. Half the group rode, so they were off suiting up which left me there with FB's roommates as they waited for him to bring the truck around. It was like a wave of emotion smashed up against me, and the water works came forth. There was nothing I could do to stop it. I tried my best to conceal my sobs, but it was no use. By this time, everyone saw me, but I couldn't have cared less. The truck pulls up, and he jumps out and runs over to me. His roomies make their way to the truck, and he comes up and wraps his arms around me, holding me tight.
I bury my head in his chest and let that huge sob go. And, I cried. Like a baby. His voice was comforting, and so were his words. I told him that I'm gonna miss him, and he said he'll miss me too. But, this moment could not last long since he was rushing off to make his flight. We had already kept him longer than we should have. So, he looks at me briefly, then gives me a tender goodbye kiss on my lips. Since I've only kissed him twice, I've been trying to imprint his lips on my mine in my mind. To keep it fresh, and to warm me when I'm feeling sad.
After he left, I made my way back into the restaurant where I cried more, and tried to settle before driving home. My cousin and I sat in the parking lot for a bit, when I get a text from him ... "I'm really going to miss you." My heart jumped, so happy at his words. And, for the rest of the night, I was sad, but the worst of it had passed.
Today, I was in a rather good mood. There were moments here and there that got me down, but I would remember that he isn't leaving me, and I'm not losing him. This is just an obstacle ... a really big obstacle that I know we can overcome. Because, like I told him, I think we could be amazing together. And, I know I'm right.
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