So, I got the call back from the nerve specialist, and I have to say that I am so scared. They're going to be conducting nerve testing on my feet and hands. Using a machine, needles and whatever else to see what kind of responses my nerves give.
I am literally freaking out at the moment. I hate needles, but even more so, I can't fathom them sticking needles along the nerve! Ahhh ... omg! I want to scream!
But, I need this. For what is going on with the nerves in my body, I need this. I need to know what is happening to me. And, I need them to fix it. Fix me because I can't go on like this anymore. You want to know what's uncomfortable? Try experiencing what I'm currently living with at the moment. It is not fun. Wish I didn't have to wear clothes cause EVERYTHING hurts my skin.
Yup. It sucks. Sigh.
Monday, April 22, 2013
Let the healing begin ...
Along with some other things in my life, the healing process for my heart is well on its way. I'm feeling better about the whole thing. And, listening to much happier, up-beat music. The past week was meant for mourning away the possibilities of a relationship I thought was real. And, I did just that. I mourned.
Today starts a new week. New possibilities, and new things to come. Still off dating as the thought still makes me sick. But, I'm concentrating on other aspects. For one, my health. I've almost got that all in order. I'm perfectly healthy, except for the diabetes which I have under well-regulated control now. Just one more thing to check out, and I'm currently waiting for a call back from a nerve specialist. Hoping it's something temporary, and not serious.
On the work front, trying to keep focused on my various projects and complete some day by day. Also, looking into other avenues for work from home. Must try to make some extra money to accommodate my little B and me. I need to get her signed up for some summer programs, and mommy really wants a new tablet!
But, before I woke out of my funk from last week, I had many offers to go out this past weekend. And, I thank all my friends for their efforts in helping me feel better. Friday night, I was able to unwind from an emotionally taxing week with a nice glass of wine, good food and good company. That was all I needed since I stayed home the rest of the weekend. So, now that the weekend has passed, I'm thinking about the next girls night out. May First Friday, it will be. And, it will be epic!
Now, back to work. My day is half over, and I'm looking forward to going home!
Today starts a new week. New possibilities, and new things to come. Still off dating as the thought still makes me sick. But, I'm concentrating on other aspects. For one, my health. I've almost got that all in order. I'm perfectly healthy, except for the diabetes which I have under well-regulated control now. Just one more thing to check out, and I'm currently waiting for a call back from a nerve specialist. Hoping it's something temporary, and not serious.
On the work front, trying to keep focused on my various projects and complete some day by day. Also, looking into other avenues for work from home. Must try to make some extra money to accommodate my little B and me. I need to get her signed up for some summer programs, and mommy really wants a new tablet!
But, before I woke out of my funk from last week, I had many offers to go out this past weekend. And, I thank all my friends for their efforts in helping me feel better. Friday night, I was able to unwind from an emotionally taxing week with a nice glass of wine, good food and good company. That was all I needed since I stayed home the rest of the weekend. So, now that the weekend has passed, I'm thinking about the next girls night out. May First Friday, it will be. And, it will be epic!
Now, back to work. My day is half over, and I'm looking forward to going home!
Friday, April 19, 2013
Cliches and lies?
I've been wondering about one thing he said the very last time we talked. Wondering if he was just trying to let me down easy, lying or if he really meant it ....
He said that maybe some time down the road, we could try again.
Does that sound like a "get out of jail free" card? At the time, I didn't really think anything of it. He sounded so convincing ... like it might be a possibility. But, if he lost total interest, why would he say something like that? I did tell him that if there was someone else, he could tell me. I'd rather be hurt by the truth, then comforted by a lie. You know? He said that wasn't the case ... and I believe him.
I want to bring it up, but I don't know how to ask him without sounding like a total obsessed loser. So, I figure that I'll just leave it be. If we're meant to come back together later down the road, it will happen. No point in forcing something to work when it's not on both our parts.
Still ... I feel so alone and abandoned. I don't understand how he could just cut me out of his everyday life. Not if he still cares the way he says he did. I feel like a ghost. Like, I'm here but left to wander aimlessly without his love. That's another thing. That four letter word wasn't ever tossed around, thank goodness. I felt it, though.
So, today makes a week since it was over. I don't know what the weekend will bring, but I am glad that work will be finished soon. Nothing worse than being completely distracted while trying to do work. And, do it well. Looking forward to a nice drink after work. Mos Def.
He said that maybe some time down the road, we could try again.
Does that sound like a "get out of jail free" card? At the time, I didn't really think anything of it. He sounded so convincing ... like it might be a possibility. But, if he lost total interest, why would he say something like that? I did tell him that if there was someone else, he could tell me. I'd rather be hurt by the truth, then comforted by a lie. You know? He said that wasn't the case ... and I believe him.
I want to bring it up, but I don't know how to ask him without sounding like a total obsessed loser. So, I figure that I'll just leave it be. If we're meant to come back together later down the road, it will happen. No point in forcing something to work when it's not on both our parts.
Still ... I feel so alone and abandoned. I don't understand how he could just cut me out of his everyday life. Not if he still cares the way he says he did. I feel like a ghost. Like, I'm here but left to wander aimlessly without his love. That's another thing. That four letter word wasn't ever tossed around, thank goodness. I felt it, though.
So, today makes a week since it was over. I don't know what the weekend will bring, but I am glad that work will be finished soon. Nothing worse than being completely distracted while trying to do work. And, do it well. Looking forward to a nice drink after work. Mos Def.
Thursday, April 18, 2013
Set adrift ...
On memories bliss? No, nothing blissful about being adrift at the moment. This exhausting haze has taken over my days, and it leaves very little energy for anything else. Tears of unending sadness fueled by constant thought of what went wrong is all I can manage now.
I don't want to be like this, but it's the grieving process. It's healthy. At least, that's what I'm telling myself.
You might be thinking that I should just get over it and move on. It was only 2 months, right? Right. But, somehow, this time it's different. I wasn't the one leaving the relationship. I wasn't the one who had become suddenly unhappy with the circumstances. I didn't do the leaving. He did. After I thought his intentions were true. He left me empty ... and broken.
I give up. There aren't any true, real, good guys left. Because even the best of them leave. Whether you want them to or not. And, no amount of attention from the opposite sex can help me shake this. I don't want it. I just want him. And, he's switched off. Checked out and gone on his merry way. Lucky him. Wish I could get over this as easily as he has.
But, he hasn't. I know I'm still on his mind. Not a word do I hear from him, but I know. It doesn't mean anything, just that thoughts of us might still be lingering. They won't for long. They won't for long .....
I don't want to be like this, but it's the grieving process. It's healthy. At least, that's what I'm telling myself.
You might be thinking that I should just get over it and move on. It was only 2 months, right? Right. But, somehow, this time it's different. I wasn't the one leaving the relationship. I wasn't the one who had become suddenly unhappy with the circumstances. I didn't do the leaving. He did. After I thought his intentions were true. He left me empty ... and broken.
I give up. There aren't any true, real, good guys left. Because even the best of them leave. Whether you want them to or not. And, no amount of attention from the opposite sex can help me shake this. I don't want it. I just want him. And, he's switched off. Checked out and gone on his merry way. Lucky him. Wish I could get over this as easily as he has.
But, he hasn't. I know I'm still on his mind. Not a word do I hear from him, but I know. It doesn't mean anything, just that thoughts of us might still be lingering. They won't for long. They won't for long .....
You know what I miss?
Scrolling through my fb newsfeed, I came across a friend's post about how she's addicted to this one RPG. And, that she'll beat it before her boyfriend gets home. Then, I start to think back to a time when my life was so much simpler. Back before I had a child, a full time job, and a failed marriage.
I was single and carefree. I had minimal bills to pay, and just had to worry about getting to class on time. Other than that, the rest of my time was my own. Boys were not a huge factor, and I had plenty of friends to keep my social life busy. I played music, I danced, and I enjoyed my video games.
My favorite was an RPG called Final Fantasy. My favorites being 7, 8, 10 & 12. I could play those games all day or all night. By myself mostly, but with friends sometimes. It helped when I had a friend to read through the guide book while I ran around the game finding all the extras I wouldn't have known about on my own. Some parts of the game got so intricate, where you actually had to play a side game to continue on with the main story. It could get pretty intense, but I loved it.
Maybe it's because I'm in a sort of limbo right now, but I want so much to go back to those carefree days. When I didn't have to be at work all day during the week, and class only took up 2 or 3 hours of my day. Back when I could turn on my game, flip open the guide book to where I left off, and just run around Midgar, Cosmo Canyon or Balamb, and just phase into my game.
Oh, simple days ... how I miss thee. I know that life must go on, and believe me, it has. But, every now and then, I need a little escape. So, I think that after I furnish myself with a new bed, I'll go ahead on splurge on a new gaming system. I have my Wii, and I love that, but I need my PlayStation. I'm a Sony girl, after all. Yes ... and, so the hunt begins for a good, used PlayStation 3. See you later, readers .... xoxo
I was single and carefree. I had minimal bills to pay, and just had to worry about getting to class on time. Other than that, the rest of my time was my own. Boys were not a huge factor, and I had plenty of friends to keep my social life busy. I played music, I danced, and I enjoyed my video games.
My favorite was an RPG called Final Fantasy. My favorites being 7, 8, 10 & 12. I could play those games all day or all night. By myself mostly, but with friends sometimes. It helped when I had a friend to read through the guide book while I ran around the game finding all the extras I wouldn't have known about on my own. Some parts of the game got so intricate, where you actually had to play a side game to continue on with the main story. It could get pretty intense, but I loved it.
Maybe it's because I'm in a sort of limbo right now, but I want so much to go back to those carefree days. When I didn't have to be at work all day during the week, and class only took up 2 or 3 hours of my day. Back when I could turn on my game, flip open the guide book to where I left off, and just run around Midgar, Cosmo Canyon or Balamb, and just phase into my game.
Oh, simple days ... how I miss thee. I know that life must go on, and believe me, it has. But, every now and then, I need a little escape. So, I think that after I furnish myself with a new bed, I'll go ahead on splurge on a new gaming system. I have my Wii, and I love that, but I need my PlayStation. I'm a Sony girl, after all. Yes ... and, so the hunt begins for a good, used PlayStation 3. See you later, readers .... xoxo
Monday, April 15, 2013
Do it to myself
Man! Can we say premonition?? I started this post a few weeks ago. I think this is when his text messages started coming in less frequently then they already were. Read on and enjoy. I was pretty upset ....
____________________________________________ </3
March 21, 2013
Yup, I think I just do it to myself every time. Every time I think I'm getting close to someone, BAM! It all backfires and the shit hits the fan.
Why do I keep doing this to myself? Putting myself out there only to be taken advantage of and stomped all over. I'm over it. I want to say that I'm done with it all and that I don't NEED a man, but that isn't true.
I do think I jump head first, rather feelings first, a lot of the time. And, with my current thing, I thought I was doing really well ... not jumping in so quickly. I took the time to think about it, let it start to feel right. Oh, who am I kidding?! NO GUY wants a relationship. At least, not at the level that I want AND, apparently, not with me.
I've been told that my self confidence, while uber attractive, is also very intimidating. So, I'm a girl who won't take your shit and call you out on it. I'll go big or not at all. What the fuck is the point otherwise?? If you're too much of a pussy to handle a girl like me, WHY chase me to begin with?? And, how hard is it to tell a girl that you chased down, got to know a little, then decided you weren't actually THAT interested in, that you're NOT interested in her?! It's a simple phone call, or even a text away. "Hey, I just want to be friends." See?? Not hard at all. I've done it, why can't you??
Do you know what my horoscope said for today? All this crap is clogging up my thinker, and I just want to know if he's interested in me the same as I am in him. But, NOOOO. It tells me to lay off, keep things light and simple without pressing for a deeper commitment. Well, shit. Then, I realize that I'm pms'ing at the moment, SO, I obey. And, I bring my madness here.
I fucking feel like my blog voice has tourettes today. It's loud, it's clear, and it's fucking pissed. Twirl on them potatoes.
____________________________________________ </3
WOW. I was pissed. But, I can be funny and entertaining that way ... sometimes. Love to all my readers! I'll be back later ....
____________________________________________ </3
March 21, 2013
Yup, I think I just do it to myself every time. Every time I think I'm getting close to someone, BAM! It all backfires and the shit hits the fan.
Why do I keep doing this to myself? Putting myself out there only to be taken advantage of and stomped all over. I'm over it. I want to say that I'm done with it all and that I don't NEED a man, but that isn't true.
I do think I jump head first, rather feelings first, a lot of the time. And, with my current thing, I thought I was doing really well ... not jumping in so quickly. I took the time to think about it, let it start to feel right. Oh, who am I kidding?! NO GUY wants a relationship. At least, not at the level that I want AND, apparently, not with me.
I've been told that my self confidence, while uber attractive, is also very intimidating. So, I'm a girl who won't take your shit and call you out on it. I'll go big or not at all. What the fuck is the point otherwise?? If you're too much of a pussy to handle a girl like me, WHY chase me to begin with?? And, how hard is it to tell a girl that you chased down, got to know a little, then decided you weren't actually THAT interested in, that you're NOT interested in her?! It's a simple phone call, or even a text away. "Hey, I just want to be friends." See?? Not hard at all. I've done it, why can't you??
Do you know what my horoscope said for today? All this crap is clogging up my thinker, and I just want to know if he's interested in me the same as I am in him. But, NOOOO. It tells me to lay off, keep things light and simple without pressing for a deeper commitment. Well, shit. Then, I realize that I'm pms'ing at the moment, SO, I obey. And, I bring my madness here.
I fucking feel like my blog voice has tourettes today. It's loud, it's clear, and it's fucking pissed. Twirl on them potatoes.
____________________________________________ </3
WOW. I was pissed. But, I can be funny and entertaining that way ... sometimes. Love to all my readers! I'll be back later ....
Getting to me
I know I said I wouldn't think about it much, but it's getting to me. Thinking about the possibilities I had with this last guy is getting to me.
When I'd get the chance, I'd talk to one of my co-workers about what he and I had going on, and I was always so full of life and energy talking about my guy. She's older, divorced, but full of wisdom and advice. She was so very happy that I found such a good guy. And, now ... I can't even tell her that he and I are no more.
On Friday, I waited outside my building by the steps for my ride home when she came out and saw me. She asked if he was picking me up. My heart stopped for a second, and I swear it was written all over my face. But, I recovered quickly. I smiled and said "No, my parents." She smiled and wished me a good weekend. Very sweet lady, but also makes me sad.
I guess the lesson here is to not say anything. Even with good news, or hoping to have something long term, it's just better to keep it to myself. Because once I share my happiness and enthusiasm, it all comes crashing down. I don't know if that 's just the way things work for me, but it's hard NOT to share my happiness when I've found something good.
He was on my mind a lot. Not at first, but after he initiated the first kiss, I got to thinking about what it could mean. Because we had been through a lot of the same dating/relationship experiences, I came to the conclusion that we'd be a good fit. He seemed game to try, so I went with it. I went with it and I let my guard down. And, the flow lead me here.
There's an illustration somewhere on facebook of an enthusiastic looking heart chasing after something, while a brain is holding it back saying "don't do it!" So appropriately me. My heart said yes, but my head said to be cautious. Now that I think about it, I wish I had been cautious about the whole thing and kept my guard up, at least partially. And then, maybe I just didn't know how to handle something with so much potential. I've been let down, jerked around and disappointed so much that maybe I didn't give enough care to the situation. I'm not blaming myself, just wondering aloud what happened to make him stop wanting to try. And, so soon in the game, too.
Two months. That's my curse. When two months began to approach us, I thought to myself how much I didn't want to run. I thought how much I wanted to stay in this and get deeper into us. It didn't even occur to me that HE was the one having doubts about us and what we had been doing. It's a two way street, I guess. Such a damn fool.
Anyway, I think that's enough analyzing and bitching for now. Going to lunch in an hour ... thank goodness.
Xoxo
When I'd get the chance, I'd talk to one of my co-workers about what he and I had going on, and I was always so full of life and energy talking about my guy. She's older, divorced, but full of wisdom and advice. She was so very happy that I found such a good guy. And, now ... I can't even tell her that he and I are no more.
On Friday, I waited outside my building by the steps for my ride home when she came out and saw me. She asked if he was picking me up. My heart stopped for a second, and I swear it was written all over my face. But, I recovered quickly. I smiled and said "No, my parents." She smiled and wished me a good weekend. Very sweet lady, but also makes me sad.
I guess the lesson here is to not say anything. Even with good news, or hoping to have something long term, it's just better to keep it to myself. Because once I share my happiness and enthusiasm, it all comes crashing down. I don't know if that 's just the way things work for me, but it's hard NOT to share my happiness when I've found something good.
He was on my mind a lot. Not at first, but after he initiated the first kiss, I got to thinking about what it could mean. Because we had been through a lot of the same dating/relationship experiences, I came to the conclusion that we'd be a good fit. He seemed game to try, so I went with it. I went with it and I let my guard down. And, the flow lead me here.
There's an illustration somewhere on facebook of an enthusiastic looking heart chasing after something, while a brain is holding it back saying "don't do it!" So appropriately me. My heart said yes, but my head said to be cautious. Now that I think about it, I wish I had been cautious about the whole thing and kept my guard up, at least partially. And then, maybe I just didn't know how to handle something with so much potential. I've been let down, jerked around and disappointed so much that maybe I didn't give enough care to the situation. I'm not blaming myself, just wondering aloud what happened to make him stop wanting to try. And, so soon in the game, too.
Two months. That's my curse. When two months began to approach us, I thought to myself how much I didn't want to run. I thought how much I wanted to stay in this and get deeper into us. It didn't even occur to me that HE was the one having doubts about us and what we had been doing. It's a two way street, I guess. Such a damn fool.
Anyway, I think that's enough analyzing and bitching for now. Going to lunch in an hour ... thank goodness.
Xoxo
Sunday, April 14, 2013
Third time is not always the charm
In the last 2 years, I've been in 3 relationships. All of which lasted 2 months. The first, I decided to give a try with an open mind because I hadn't been out there dating since I separated from the ex. At the time, I didn't know what I wanted, simply just to have a good time and have some good companionship. That all ended when reality hit and I met someone else.
The second relationship came just over a year later. It was with someone I couldn't see a future with since he was in the military and leaving at the end of the year. It started out as two people enjoying each other's company, and that's really all I was looking for back then. See, I was dating and talking to a bunch of other people, so being in a serious relationship was the furthest thing from my mind. He didn't understand, so after 2 months, he broke it off. I was absolutely fine with that and got over it in a heartbeat.
The third is the latest. It just ended on Friday.
Of the three guys, this last one I really thought was the genuine article. He had the makings of an excellent partner, wonderful play mate and a good father. I won't go into too much detail, just that I'm very sad that it's over. Needless to say, I did not want it to end. And, from what he's told me, he didn't either, but under the circumstances, he felt he couldn't give our relationship the time and nurturing it needed. True. But, lame.
If you really want to be with someone, and you really care about them, wouldn't you do everything in your power to make it work? I sure would. I sure wanted to. For the first time in years, I wanted to be in this. All in. And, I would have done just about anything to make this work. So, when he raised some issues a few days ago, I thought about it and quickly came up with solutions. We talked about it briefly, but I don't think he even heard me. His mind was already made up and closed to the possibility of us going further.
It's hard for me to even comprehend because prior to this shit storm, we were happy. Saw each other every weekend, and always had a blast together. We have a lot in common, but I guess it wasn't enough. Two months seems like a blip in the radar, but it was pretty epic. I thought it was real and I am deflated that it turned out to be a fantasy, yet again.
When I think about it, one question comes to mind. Why doesn't it ever work out for me? I mean, it seems I have an endless supply of dating stories to tell, but at some point, when will they turn into just memories? I'm ready to be in a real, exclusive relationship. And, he knew it. Still, he broke my heart. I feel that I'm destined to be alone. One of my good friends keeps encouraging me to keep looking on the bright side, but I don't know how much longer I can do that. When, even the nicest guys with the most partner potential turns out to be the same jerk I keep meeting over and over again. It's a constant no-win situation and I'm tired of playing the game.
Seriously. So tired.
So, now that I'm single again, I plan on staying that way for a long time. I've come to the realization that I want what I want, but if I can't have it, fuck it. Life is too short to be stressing over emotions that keep us in one place. I need to keep moving forward. He will not be the end of me. And, he will not dominate my thoughts any longer. No ... motorcycles, writing and my little B are my priorities now. Not in that order, obviously. But, I did go on the ride this past Friday and it was amazing. I haven't been riding for a few months, and timing for this ride had been perfect. I had a clear head to enjoy being on the bike again, and absolutely loved the time spent with my moto krew. I rode with a new friend and he ended up being a good, safe rider. Hoping we can ride again soon.
I also plan to be writing more, so stay tuned!
The second relationship came just over a year later. It was with someone I couldn't see a future with since he was in the military and leaving at the end of the year. It started out as two people enjoying each other's company, and that's really all I was looking for back then. See, I was dating and talking to a bunch of other people, so being in a serious relationship was the furthest thing from my mind. He didn't understand, so after 2 months, he broke it off. I was absolutely fine with that and got over it in a heartbeat.
The third is the latest. It just ended on Friday.
Of the three guys, this last one I really thought was the genuine article. He had the makings of an excellent partner, wonderful play mate and a good father. I won't go into too much detail, just that I'm very sad that it's over. Needless to say, I did not want it to end. And, from what he's told me, he didn't either, but under the circumstances, he felt he couldn't give our relationship the time and nurturing it needed. True. But, lame.
If you really want to be with someone, and you really care about them, wouldn't you do everything in your power to make it work? I sure would. I sure wanted to. For the first time in years, I wanted to be in this. All in. And, I would have done just about anything to make this work. So, when he raised some issues a few days ago, I thought about it and quickly came up with solutions. We talked about it briefly, but I don't think he even heard me. His mind was already made up and closed to the possibility of us going further.
It's hard for me to even comprehend because prior to this shit storm, we were happy. Saw each other every weekend, and always had a blast together. We have a lot in common, but I guess it wasn't enough. Two months seems like a blip in the radar, but it was pretty epic. I thought it was real and I am deflated that it turned out to be a fantasy, yet again.
When I think about it, one question comes to mind. Why doesn't it ever work out for me? I mean, it seems I have an endless supply of dating stories to tell, but at some point, when will they turn into just memories? I'm ready to be in a real, exclusive relationship. And, he knew it. Still, he broke my heart. I feel that I'm destined to be alone. One of my good friends keeps encouraging me to keep looking on the bright side, but I don't know how much longer I can do that. When, even the nicest guys with the most partner potential turns out to be the same jerk I keep meeting over and over again. It's a constant no-win situation and I'm tired of playing the game.
Seriously. So tired.
So, now that I'm single again, I plan on staying that way for a long time. I've come to the realization that I want what I want, but if I can't have it, fuck it. Life is too short to be stressing over emotions that keep us in one place. I need to keep moving forward. He will not be the end of me. And, he will not dominate my thoughts any longer. No ... motorcycles, writing and my little B are my priorities now. Not in that order, obviously. But, I did go on the ride this past Friday and it was amazing. I haven't been riding for a few months, and timing for this ride had been perfect. I had a clear head to enjoy being on the bike again, and absolutely loved the time spent with my moto krew. I rode with a new friend and he ended up being a good, safe rider. Hoping we can ride again soon.
I also plan to be writing more, so stay tuned!
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