Getting to me

I know I said I wouldn't think about it much, but it's getting to me. Thinking about the possibilities I had with this last guy is getting to me. 

When I'd get the chance, I'd talk to one of my co-workers about what he and I had going on, and I was always so full of life and energy talking about my guy. She's older, divorced, but full of wisdom and advice. She was so very happy that I found such a good guy. And, now ... I can't even tell her that he and I are no more. 

On Friday, I waited outside my building by the steps for my ride home when she came out and saw me. She asked if he was picking me up. My heart stopped for a second, and I swear it was written all over my face. But, I recovered quickly. I smiled and said "No, my parents." She smiled and wished me a good weekend. Very sweet lady, but also makes me sad.

I guess the lesson here is to not say anything. Even with good news, or hoping to have something long term, it's just better to keep it to myself. Because once I share my happiness and enthusiasm, it all comes crashing down. I don't know if that 's just the way things work for me, but it's hard NOT to share my happiness when I've found something good. 

He was on my mind a lot. Not at first, but after he initiated the first kiss, I got to thinking about what it could mean. Because we had been through a lot of the same dating/relationship experiences, I came to the conclusion that we'd be a good fit. He seemed game to try, so I went with it. I went with it and I let my guard down. And, the flow lead me here. 

There's an illustration somewhere on facebook of an enthusiastic looking heart chasing after something, while a brain is holding it back saying "don't do it!" So appropriately me. My heart said yes, but my head said to be cautious. Now that I think about it, I wish I had been cautious about the whole thing and kept my guard up, at least partially. And then, maybe I just didn't know how to handle something with so much potential. I've been let down, jerked around and disappointed so much that maybe I didn't give enough care to the situation. I'm not blaming myself, just wondering aloud what happened to make him stop wanting to try. And, so soon in the game, too. 

Two months. That's my curse. When two months began to approach us, I thought to myself how much I didn't want to run. I thought how much I wanted to stay in this and get deeper into us. It didn't even occur to me that HE was the one having doubts about us and what we had been doing. It's a two way street, I guess. Such a damn fool. 

Anyway, I think that's enough analyzing and bitching for now. Going to lunch in an hour ... thank goodness. 

Xoxo