I've seen enough

Yes, ladies and gents, I have seen enough of all your CRAP on Facebook. It's time for me to take another hiatus. 

I'm talking about all the lovey-dovey, make me wanna barf, scratch out my eyes and punch you in the face posts. Not to mention all the babies that are about to be born. These girls seem to be pregnant FOREVER. Why? Because they post pictures of their growing belly EVERY OTHER DAY. Good god, I mean take it easy on the publicity shots of your kid that hasn't even seen the light of day yet. And, the couples that are getting married? Oh hell ... that shit just sends me through the roof. And, let me not forget the NEW couples. All in a haze of their new found puppy love. Gag me with a damn spoon.

Social media today really has taken things up 2 billion notches. When I was pregnant with B, I posted a few pictures of my growing belly, but nothing like some people today. I mean, wow. 

I suppose these huge life events are getting to me once again because I can't have what I really want. I am happy to see that my friends are finding that special someone or welcoming a new little someone into their life. But, do they need to be so anal retentive about posting every 5 goddamn minutes?? Geezus. Give the rest of us a break. We don't always want to see that you are "with" so and so, or see you and that so and so in your pics ... that post to your newsfeed. 

Now, I know that I can block them, and for some, I definitely will. But, others I just can't. Because they are good friends. And, these posts come up in conversation. If someone wants to talk about it and I haven's seen it, they'll feel slighted. Usually, I don't care, but there are a few that I actually care about. 

At the moment, there are about 6 couples that I absolutely can not stand to see on my newsfeed. Only because they post ALL THE TIME. I am sick of hearing about certain weddings that are happening months from now. Sick of seeing photos of baby bellys and happy new couples. And, sick of seeing newborns as they grow ... every damn day by different members of their families. Absolutely sick. 

Then, I think about it, and it all comes down to the fact that I am 3,500 miles away from the man I love. It hurts to see all this happiness that I want to be having in my own life. 

I'm happy. Don't get me wrong. But, there's a difference between being happy apart, and being happy together. Sometimes, I feel like I want it more than he does. But, then he'll say something, or look at me a certain way that tells me we feel the same. It just hurts to be apart for indefinite amounts of time. 

SO, to avoid some of that useless emotion, I'm taking a hiatus from Facebook yet again. Limited interaction, and no, absolutely NO looking at my newsfeed. Ugh. Fuck. That. Shit.

Goodnight readers ... xoxo 

A lonely Saturday night

Ugh, yes. It's been a lonely kind of night for me. All I wanted to do tonight was skype with Stetson Man, and play Clash of Clans. Instead, I hardly heard from him because he's been busy riding his new bike, and fixing different things on it to make it all safe and legal. And, that's great. I'm so happy that he's got a nice ride again. I truly am, but I still got my hopes up that he wouldn't forget about me this weekend.

Well, he did. It wasn't intentional, just that his schedule on his days off are all out of whack now that he's got a bike. And, day time is usually when he sleeps. Not this weekend. It's his weekend off and he's been making the most of it, I just know it. You know how I know it? Because right now, we WOULD be skyping, but instead, he passed out. Early. And, the both of us use this app during hours you don't want to be disturbed so text messages, Facebook notifications, email doesn't come through and buzz your phone bothering you while you sleep. So, I know that even though I texted him a few times, he didn't get them because he is SLEEPING, and so is his phone. 

I'm not exactly pissed, but I'm not happy either. Disappointed because he knew I wanted to skype tonight. I kept mentioning it and I asked a few times. He said that he would skype in bed, and I'm fine with that. But, I didn't hear back after that last text, so here I am. It's 1 am for me, and I'm disappointed. And, missing that damn bastard. 

I watched a terrible movie tonight called 'Tyler Perry's Temptation.' It was horrible. I thought of all his movies, this one looked kind of interesting to me, so I put it on my netflix queue a while ago. Tonight, I decided to check it out. Deleted it as soon as it was finished. Awful.

Oh, and let me recap the shenanigans from last night. I actually went out. Haha! Yeah, so straight from work, we go to dinner at Hooters (terrible service, btw), and then a strip club in town. Two of our friends are moving, so this was their going away party. Dinner was decent, service was not. I don't know why we keep going back there. But, after that, we hit club Rockza. It's been almost two years since I've been to a strip club, and I can't say that I've missed it. I'd only go every once in a while with friends because it can be pretty fun with a group. The last time I went to a nudie bar was with SM. Well, we were just friends at the time, but it was a really fun time. He kept an eye on me all night. See, I was there with a sort of "date" and he was seeing that one girl, but she wasn't there until later in the night. But, even when she was, he was still looking out for me. He's always been good to me. Even though I was always with someone else. And, I was ... always with someone else that wasn't a part of the group already. That guy ended up being a douche and I didn't "date" him for much longer after that night. But, last night, I found myself wishing SM was with me to enjoy the awesomeness that is boobies together. 

Yes, I partook in the makin' it rain scene ... contributed to the single mommy brigade. Haha, I know they aren't ALL single moms, but it was a topic that came up last night. And, since I'm a single mom, I had to point out that not all of us turn to stripping to make ends meet. In fact, I'm barely making the ends touch each other, and I'm once again looking for another job. A part time thing at night. Since I'm full time at the chiro/massage therapy office at barely above minimum wage, I absolutely NEED another source of income since my writing gigs are not producing as much as I had hoped. 

Subject change cause I'm getting' depressed. I mentioned Clash of Clans earlier in this post, and I have to say that it is a FUN game. SM has been playing since November of last year, and I've resisted up til now. I knew he played and gave him shit for it every time we went out and he pulled up the game screen. I gave him shit, but I actually love those type of games. Which is why I stayed away. Too time consuming. Building up your village, defenses, trophies, armies, battling randos for loot. It sounds nerdy, but it's a whole hell of a lot of fun. So, I started playing a little over a week ago, and I've progressed quickly. So, SM invited me to join his clan. I did, but there was a requirement of a thousand trophies to be in this clan. At the time, I had been playing for a few days and had won 20 trophies in a raid on my village. The next day, our clan leader was starting to question these "newbies" who were so low level and low on the trophy count. How did we get in? I spoke up and threw SM under the bus. He appreciated that, but kept complaining, and so did some of the others. 

If you ask me, I think it's super childish, but after the complaints kept going on and on, they finally kicked us newbs out. So, I laughed and texted SM that I was kicked out. He asked if I could still see the chat because they told him"no hard feelings, she's just too low level. She can come back when she has the trophies." Well, SM was pretty much over the leadership in this clan anyway, so he started kicking the clan leaders people out, and dude flipped the bitch. SM and some others ended up leaving the clan. He told me this after I had joined a new clan, and had been progressing fast. I even got promoted all in one day. But, he asked me to join him and help build a new clan. I couldn't say no to my boyfriend, so here we are. In our new clan with four other clan mates. We're looking to recruit, so if you play, let me know. 

It's stoopid late, and I need sleep. Night all ... xoxo

Today, it's clear

I'm listening to the Scientist at the moment, and this feeling it's giving me today is a clear one. My thoughts instantly go to Stetson Man. Those tender moments we got to share when I was in Colorado with him ... the feel of his arms wrapped around me, his tender touch and soft kisses. Wave after wave of those thoughts wash over me as the song plays. 

And, for an instant, I'm in heaven. Just for a little while. Then, my thoughts float back down to my eyes, and I see what's before me.  My office. My computer, and my blog. 

But, for just the length of the song, I was with him again. Yes, in my head, and I guess those memories are still so fresh for me. I wonder if they are as fresh for him. Hmm....

It hits me a little harder everyday. And, everyday I fall a little more. 

xoxo

Science of my tears

Have you ever heard a song that instantly makes you cry? There are a few that touch me so, but none like this one. Coldplay's The Scientist. 

It's not just my tears, but it invokes a feeling of longing for something that just seems too far away. Something I want more than anything. Something I just can't have. Not yet, anyway. 

I don't know how else to put the science of my tears into words. This feeling comes from deep within me, and this song brings it to the surface so quickly, and instantly, I'm crying on the floor in my mind. It paralyzes me, and my eyes well up with tears, and I can't do anything to stop it. 

"Nobody said it was easy. No one ever said it would be this hard. Aw, take me back to the start."

That line, I can't get it out of my head. I wonder if it means something that it's that line that sticks out in my mind? I don't know. I can't explain it. I can't explain this. But, I had to shared it on FB anyway. I don't care who sees it. I don't care what people think. I am in love with this song because it makes me feel. 

Another song that makes me teary-eyed is The Beatles' Woman. Ok, more than teary-eyes. I fricken ball when I hear this song.  And, I can't say why. 

Now that I'm thinking about it, I may have the answer. At the same time that I'm writing this blog post, I'm also writing in my journal. My journal is a place just for me. Sure, my blog is where I come to spit out a lot of stuff, but my journal? That place is the REAL me. No one shares that space, not even SM. For a long time, I didn't even want to share my blog with SM, but he's got this address now and can read any time he wants. 

But, I think I know why I just burst into tears now ... at random times, with random songs. The Scientist was a random one I heard on Pandora. At work! I listened to the words, and instantly I loved the music. Then, right there, the song spoke to my heart, and I was a goner. Every single time I hear this song now ... I'm paralyzed with a stream of tears running down my face. 

Yes, I am a sapp. And, I am also a huge nerd. And, there are songs that fill me with happiness, too. For instance, now, whenever I hear a song by CAKE, I think of SM. He knows I love that band, so on his birthday, when we were driving back from exploring in the mountains, he put on Comfort Eagle for me, and let the whole CD play over and over again. Just because it made me happy. What really made me happy was being with him ... while listening to a band we both like. 

Speaking of SM, we had a good Skype session tonight. He's got tonight off, and tomorrow night. So, we'll be skyping again tomorrow. He called me at work today ALL excited because he bought a new motorcycle. YES! I am excited for him, and for me! Cause, I get to ride that sexy bitch the next time I'm there. 

The next time I'm there ... when will that be? I am hoping, REALLY hoping it will be in September. It's still very iffy and quite high up in the air. But, I'm working on it. 

I'm working on it .... xoxo

Closing in on me ... breaking me down

I've been back home for two weeks now. And, this pressure, this ache to be somewhere else has not diminished. Not even a little. I'm feeling frustrated. 

The stress and frustration got to me pretty good today. At work, I don't know. I was losing it, and it was getting hard to even communicate and talk with patients. 

I just need to talk. To someone. Anyone who will help me through this. I want to talk with SM, but his work schedule is a demanding one, so our skype sessions have been reduced to once or twice a week. If even that. We still text everyday, but it's not much. 

I suppose the lack of contact can be good. It gives us a chance to really miss each other, and be all the more excited to talk and see each other when we do get to skype. Speaking of which, on our last session, he showed me a new tattoo he got on his right outer calve. It's a character from the show Invader Zim. I've never seen this show, but when he showed me what he got, I could NOT stop laughing. It's the main character's side kick, Gir. He told me that he went with that design because it was free, and he wanted to check out this tattoo apprentice before she actually did the tattoo he really wants. 

Gotta hand it to the guy, though. He wants to help her get more experience done for her apprenticeship, plus she's cheaper than a regular tattoo artist. He goes back in two weeks to get the one he really wants ... inner bicep right arm. I think it'll look great. But, his newest tatt of Gir ... oh my lord. It's hilarious! And, he was surprised that me, of all people laughed at him for it. Sure, I'm into cartoons and comics, but I could never just get a tatt of a character I don't even know permanently on my body. He be crazy, but he's my crazy guy. I love it. The spontaneity of his nature is just enough for me to handle. And, who knows? Maybe I'll get a tattoo the next time I'm up there. I have some ideas ....

So, I think I'll get to bed early tonight. B is spending the night at her dad's and I'm here alone with my thoughts. 

Clarity in a haste?

Well, I wouldn't quite call it a haste, but more like a rash decision. Nothing is set in stone, of course, but I'm really putting a lot of thought and effort into a move. 

While I was with my cousin in CO, she told me about how they came to move there after their first visit a few years ago. She told me that when I return home, I'm really going to feel it. Since, I've already been considering a move, it will be ever prevalent when I return. 

She was SO. RIGHT. 

After getting over the initial shock of missing SM, I felt how small this island really is. And, I've been wanting to crawl out of my own skin ever since. I absolutely did NOT want to think about coming back home while having the time of my life up there with him. And, I didn't. Not until a few days before I left. It was last Tuesday night when he was at work that it really hit me. I had to leave in a few short days. That combined with missing B was more than I could handle at the time. Tears were flowing, sobs crept out of me when I wasn't expecting it ... just an all around miserable night. I stayed up as late as I could, and when I woke again, he was there getting into bed with me. And, I have to say that is the best way to wake up. At least, it is for now. 

But, how long will for now be? I've been back home for three days now. I am feeling a bit better, but my thoughts go back to Colorado every chance it gets. I love the freedom we'll have up there, and now that I know I have options ... makes me want to move in haste. 

I've realized what I really want. What would make me the happiest in the whole world. And, that is to be able to work, write and come home to my two favorite people. B and SM. Everyday. That's all I want. I don't care if he and I have only been together for a few months. I've always enjoyed being in his company. And, I don't care about going out and having a super busy social life. Not anymore. I'm ready to settle down again. I'm ready to have my family, and just enjoy them. B wants a little brother or sister. I'm SO on the fence about that, but the topic is still on the table. As well as marriage. Even after being married to the biggest, nicest asshole jerk face, marriage isn't as tainted for me as I thought it would be. Not when it's with the right person. Sigh.

Talk about the big stuff being put into perspective. Do you understand my haste now?

Hah, but in all practicality, this move won't happen for a long while. I'm planning at least one more visit in a few months. Though, I will be working towards the move. You can count on that.

It's Skype time ... xoxo.

First Visit to the big CO

Yes readers, I am here! Finally with my Stetson Man. It feels like this time is flying by since I have already been here for five days. It's been amazing, and I am loving this place he is choosing to call his home.

Since I've never been here before, we've been doing a lot of sightseeing, and spending time with his family. His parents are also visiting this week, so it's been nice to spend time with them as well. I've met his parents a few years ago, but never really got to know them. I am really enjoying all the time I've spent here, and getting to play with all their pets. It's like a zoo in the house! A well contained zoo. 

So, I wondered what it would be like to be with SM as a couple since we've always just been good friends. I wondered how it would feel, and I wondered if it would be awkward. And, I am so relieved to know that it all feels natural. It feels right with him. 

We talked last night about it, and it was comforting to know that he feels the same as I do. He told me how he knows we made the right decision to do long distance, and he's happy that we did, and happy that we are still so compatible as a couple physically. Not much has changed, other than the fact that we are together. And, I love it. 

SM has had to work a few nights since I've been here, and I gotta say that it kinda sucks. He has to sleep during the day, so I would take that time to do activities with his family, and mine. Though, I haven't seen my family yet, I hope to soon. But, he goes to work around 6 pm, and doesn't get home until around 8 am the next morning. The hard part is sleeping alone in his bed, in his house. I miss him, and so I try to stay up as long as I can so it won't seem so long til he's home. Is that sad? Haha, I don't think that's quite the right wording, but I knew it would be like this since he's just started work. I didn't expect him to take off while I'm here, and he does have more days off than expected. So, I just cherish the time we do get on his work days. 

I just really miss him. It's almost 1 am here in Centennial, and I'm sitting in his living room typing away while ROME plays in the background. Haven't seen this show in ages, so I thought I'd watch it again. His kitty cat is laying beside me trying to get comfy enough to fall asleep. And, I'm doing my best to stay awake because I know that his lunch break is coming soon, and that's when I'll hear from him. One thing I have to say is that I like the stability. I know that I'll hear from him a few times during the night while he's at work. So many things I've come to learn and have been confirmed about he and I. It's amazing and scary at the same time. Hard to put it in words. 

I am happy. With him, I'm better. I feel complete. Don't know how I'm going to be able to get on that plane when I have to leave him here. Not gonna think about that. 

But, the weekend is rounding the corner, and it will be a busy one. Friday, we'll start the morning off visiting his cousins and their kids, then a shopping afternoon at an ikea. Then it's off to Denver for a few errands and some fun. Saturday, we will be going to the Renaissance fair, and probably a fire pit night at a friends house. Sunday, it's Comic Con in Denver, so I can't wait for that!

Lots of fun to be had, and I'm really having a great time. I miss my little B something fierce, but we got to skype, and we talk a little bit everyday. 

Life won't be the same now that I've got to have a taste of being with SM here in CO. A big, HUGE part of me is saying that I need to just do it, and move. I want to be with him, and I want to be here. Yes, I have my little B to think about, but it's kind of a no-brainer. The schools here are very good, and I would definitely make sure she and I have as much contact with my family back in Hawaii as we can. Skype is a wonderful thing. And, it's not like we'll be totally alone here. SM's family is so warm and welcoming, plus I have cousins that live not too far from him. 

So, now, I just need to talk to him and get his perspective. I know he wants me near, and I want to be near .... It will be good, I think. 

Til the next post .... xoxo.