Frustrated, but content???

That's right, folks! Though FB and I have been happy and content with our long distance relationship, I am getting frustrated. 

**And, for future reference, I am changing my FB's nickname to Stetson Man aka SM. Though, he is and will always be my Foodie Buddy, he's now my Stetson Man.**

It's not a big problem, not really a problem at all. I know I'm going to see him in June, and I'll get to spend A LOT of time with him. It's keeping me going and it's also keeping me sane. Funny thing is, though I'm hot and bothered, I'm not even thinking about straying. The old me, the me two years ago would have the wandering eye already. 

Is it the distance that's keeping me wanting him, and only him? Not to boast my own ego, but I've had opportunities to stray, but there's nothing appealing about any of that. Not anymore. Or, maybe I've just had enough of the game, and realized that I've got quite a man in SM. Yes, that's it. That is totally it. I don't want to do anything to screw this up. That's how much I want this to work. 

And, so far, it's working beautifully. Stetson Man and I have a relationship that consists of mostly texting. Daily, but we are also facebook friends, with many mutual friends to join us together, and make it feel like we're all so connected on a daily basis. We talk occasionally, but mostly keep it to chat and text. Neither of us are 'talk on the phone' type of people. 

So, tonight, I came across this article in Cosmo that described a bunch qualities in a guy that you should marry. I went down the list, and man .... SM fits the bill. Now, I'm not thinking of marriage, not this early in the game, but it got me thinking about why we're doing long distance in the first place. And, it comes down to the fact that we're working towards a goal of being in the same place, and to be together finally. No matter how long it takes. I'm hoping it won't take that long, but definitely feeling this first year out. He wants to be sure that Colorado is where he really wants to be. As for me, I've been on the fence about moving off the rock for a very long time. 

I suppose, I'd be completely comfortable with SM deciding to stay in Colorado on a more permanent basis. If it comes to that, it won't be easy at first, but we'd make it work. 

That's how much we want this to work. And, it feels good. 

It's stoopid late, readers. Gonna get to bed! .... xoxo

Sometimes, shit happens ...

Remember a while back in one of my earliest posts, I wrote about how dating within my group of friends was just out of the question? Well, yes I am now dating one of them, but that's beside the point. And, it's a whole different case.

This recent situation has to do with one of my riding buddies who is deployed at the moment. He had started seeing this girl a few months before he left. She's a sweet girl, and the group welcomed her while he was here, and embraced her after he left. She has been included in everything. It was our pleasure to make her feel like one of us for the sake of our buddy. 

But, this past weekend proved the point I made in my earlier post about girls that are brought into the group by one of the guys just because they are dating. 

Some shit went down Friday night, and now she is an outcast. All the guys are convinced she's bad news, and now I don't know what to do since I have become pretty good friends with her. Sigh.

Since I'm dating one of the main guys in our group, it makes it extra hard to keep up this friendship. I know she's sad about it being over, but I think it's even harder because she was doing things with us a lot. Even some of the girls I talked to are mixed about it. I feel bad, but if the accusations are true, I'm gonna have to leave this one alone. 

It's not at all about who I'm dating, or what he'll think of me. It's about the fact we trusted this girl to be true to one of our friends. And, that's the thing. I think that if she and my friend had split on mutual terms, she would still be welcome in our framily. But, since it ended horribly, she'll no longer be a part of anything we do. 

And, that is what I was talking about. Coming into such a wonderful group as my motorcycle framily as someone's significant other, rather than another motorcycle lover. It's a totally different thing. These people are not only my friends, they've become like family. And, had I started dating one of them from the beginning, I guarantee that I wouldn't be a part of them the way I am now. 

Such is the case with one of our other girl friends. She and her guy are teetering on the brink of a broken relationship. She's been around the group for well over a year now, but once it's over (if it goes that way), she'll be outcast from a lot of events as well. Though, I won't shun her, it will be hard for her to not be a part of a lot of the things we all do together. 

You may think I'm being judgmental about these girls, but I can assure you that I'm not. I like them, and will keep them as friends. The first one, not so sure about yet because that one ended really badly. Though, she's always been kind and sweet to me, I'm staying out of this one. I told her to just let it go, and it's for the best. And, it really is. 

So, I've had a full day today, but I'm heading out again. Bowling in Kailua. Have a good night, loves.

xoxo

The Search ...

Yes, the search for the perfect job is on! No, not the perfect job, but what would be perfect to me. A writing job. Something that wouldn't seem like work at all. I don't think I was really serious about it before. Yes, I have posted that I've always wanted to get paid for my writing, but now it might actually come true. I'm trying. Hard. Very hard to get one ... or a few. 

Most of the ads I'm responding to are writing for online magazines and blogs. So, I figure that would be a great way to start. I'm still working towards publishing my first novel, but have hit a few setbacks with that. Not to worry. It's still on schedule. 

In other news, things with FB are progressing. We just had another talk on Monday about what we are doing. He's been in Colorado for about two weeks now, and he's more settled. I'm so glad, and I'm so happy. Though, we're thousands of miles apart, we've decided to give it a real try. We're officially dating, and I am over the moon. I told him that I want to visit in April, and he hopes I can make it. Then, we'll have our official first date. Til then, we'll be texting just like we have been, video chatting, movie watching, and whatever else we can think of to do together, but apart. 

So, now I am doing a bit of relaxing, and working. Around 11, one of my riding buddies is picking me up to go to lunch. It will be nice since I haven't seen this friend for a long time. Looking forward to it. 

xoxo

Randoms and Fathoms

There are a few things on my mind at the moment. One of them being that my cat needs to be fed. Hang on ....

Ok, she's fed and not yelling at me anymore. I do rather enjoy her meow's, though. 

Anyway, I need to find a job .. ugh. I think I've procrastinated on this for long enough. Unemployment is slowly running out, and I don't think I can apply for an extension. Or, can I? I can't rely on that, so the job search will be serious from now on.

I do have a lead for a writing job! It would be blogging for my friend's company on his website. Waiting for more information on that, but it's exciting because I'll get to write. Also, my own blog isn't getting much hits, and I'm considering taking it more public. Like, Facebook public. Still on the fence about that one. I don't think I want EVERYONE I know to know that Litluv is me. You know? The anonymity I have writing my blog is such a nice little safety wall. Granted, there are a few of my friends and family who know me personally, but I like it that way. Though, I am considering letting FB read my blog. I've told him about it, not much in the way of details. Just that he knows of its existence. I think once he's settled in Colorado, I'll give him the chance to read it ... and then we'll see if he'll stick around after reading about my crazy-upside down social life. Sigh.

Speaking of FB, yes I am missing him. A lot. It's been almost three weeks since he's been gone. We talk a bit everyday, and I love that. Though, he's on my mind, I'm glad he's keeping busy and having a good time up there. I know I'm on his mind as well, and I like that. Still too soon to tell if the distance will hit us hard, but so far, I'm staying positive and it hasn't been so bad. 

Getting back to riding! I'll be doing bike night tomorrow. Yes! Friday night cruise, how I've missed you! I'll be hitching a ride on the back of my friend's Honda cruiser. Nothing too crazy, but it'll be a fun night out with good friends. Saturday, we'll be hitting Chinatown again, this time with family. I find that I enjoy the street fair a lot more when we're with the ones we love. It's crazy and hectic since the street fair is ALWAYS mind bogglingly crowded, but it's a family tradition that I love and will try to keep alive with my own little family unit. No matter where we are. 

Sunday, I think we'll just be lazy and hang around the house. Then, on Monday, B is off school, so I have no idea what we'll do yet. 

So, I think I'll conclude here. Night, readers xoxo

And, life goes on ...

It's been a week since FB left, and life has gone on. Not too bad, actually. Of course, I miss him, but he's been really busy yet, still makes time to connect with me everyday. 

The whole heartache-missing you part isn't so bad. I mean, it helps that we keep in touch the way we do, and we exchange pictures which is really nice and more than I could ask for at this point. I just crave some kind of contact with him on a daily basis, and so far, he's come through on his word. 

I still don't know what we are. We're friends, yes. Good friends. That hasn't changed. But, we're definitely more than that. Have been for almost a month now. I know we talked about giving it a try and seeing what happens. I suppose I'll bring it up the next time we talk. He mentioned before he left that it seems like if we started this, we'd be doomed since he moved. But, before he left, he was happy we started this ... as I was. As I am. 

I'm still not sure what our friends know. If they know anything. One friend, his roomie said he didn't know that something was going on. Just that he knew something was up, and figured we were together. If they do know something, it didn't come from me, and I'm pretty sure FB hasn't said anything either. Anyway, it doesn't matter. He's the one I want, and I'm still real happy we started something. 

Long distance is hard, I know. But, I'm staying positive. One thing I keep thinking about is how he pointed out that we didn't have enough time to get to know each other in a relationship. He's right. Although, we gave it what try we could, it was so hectic with him leaving. We didn't really get much time alone. After we really talked it all out, it was one event after another and all with friends. Everyone wanted a piece of him. Don't blame them, really. He's a great guy, and I'm a lucky girl. 

Anyway, I found the key to being at peace with him being so far away is not to over think any of this stuff. He likes me a lot, and I like him a lot. That's all that matters. 

I'll be back with another post later in the week. Goodnight, lovers ... xoxo

It's out there ... now let's negotiate!

This post was written in the first week of January
_______________________________________
January 2, 2014

Yup, it's all out there. Everything has been laid out on the table. Our feelings are mutual. Very mutual. But, we're looking at this from opposite ends.

This passed Friday, we caught an early showing of The Hobbit at Koolau. He picked me up in his roomie's Beamer (since he sold his bike, and had to return his work truck). It's a six speed which I didn't know until I got in and noticed the stick shift. Wow, but for some reason, that's a huge fuckin' turn on for me. 

So, the movie was a little crowded, no chance of making out really. But, the movie was awesome! And, I'm surprised how much I got into it with him sitting right next to me. By the end of it, I had my legs resting on top of his thigh, which was nice. We then took a little drive around and ended up at a local Mexican place. He took me down a road in Kaneohe that I'm very familiar with, and has become one of his favorite roads to ride/drive. I thought it was sweet that he wanted to share it with me since I am a fellow speed-demon.

After dinner, we took the long way home around Kaneohe Bay and He'eia Kea Pier. And, this is where I choose to state my case, as it were. I started by telling him that I had something to say and not to get mad at me. I asked if his attraction to me had gone, or is it because he's moving. Since we flirt all the time, I had to ask. He replied that it's because he's leaving, he's been trying hard to stay away from me. 

I think this talk we had on that drive home was the most progress he and I have made in the last few weeks. We talked it all out. From the fact that he's trying hard not to fall for me because it would be easier to leave, to me telling him that I don't want to lose him. It was an emotional drive home, but one that we're both glad happened. 

From his pov, he wants us to remain friends, because we're close and we've always been. He wants to see how things go with his move first. For all he knows, he could move and hate it ... his words. He could move back here after a while. And, I like that he said this, "I could move back here. And, you could move up there." Cause, yes I told him that I have family in Colorado, and I would try to visit. But, he's worried that if we get together, the lack of a physical relationship with me is going to tear us apart. Seeing each other who knows when? He's scared of that. I would be too, but I feel it could bring us closer. Technology today is so advanced, and we not only could talk anytime, we can facetime anytime we want. Though, he has an android, we'd have to tango chat. And, I am completely fine with that. 

But, I know I can't make him see it my way just like that. He told me that he'll think about my points. And, I pointed out that we could just try. Because, honestly, I don't want anyone else. I want him. He'll be far away for an indefinite amount of time, but I think it's too late for me. I've already started to fall for him. 

You know what's absolutely frustrating me about this? He likes me and I like him, and if he weren't moving, this wouldn't even be an issue. We'd already be together. He admitted it, like it wasn't even a question of could we? Or would we? Yes, we could work, and work so damn well! And, it's also frustrating that he's been trying to stay away from me because of his move. So, before he left Friday night, I didn't let him go until he did what I know he wanted to do. Kiss me. 

After working my hardest EVER at being cute and irresistible, he finally gave in. Came around to the passenger side of the car where I had been standing, gave me the most meaningful hug we've had, and then rested his back up against the car, and pulled me into him. And, finally, the kiss I have been waiting over a year for. It was so much better than I had imagined. Could have turned into a full blown make out sesh, but he kept it classy, and left before it could escalate. 

So, now this kiss haunts me whenever I have a spare moment to myself .... when I wake up in the morning ... when I'm falling asleep at night. It's nice to think about, but really makes me want him all the more. 

Yesterday was the last day of 2013, and I spent half the day at the beach with him, and a few other close friends. We haven't gone public with what's going on with us, so we were our normal flirty friend selves the whole time. There was really no telling that we've become much more than friends, which is good. I don't know how our friends would react if they knew we're thinking about being together. Honestly, I don't really care. It's none of their business. But, saying goodbye yesterday wasn't as hard as I thought it was going to be. I mean, after having such a meaningful Friday night, I thought I might crave a more intimate greeting and goodbye, but I was stoically fine. It was him that wanted more. We hugged good bye, arms kinda full with bags and beach chairs, so it was just a one-armed thing, but he hugged me twice .... good squeeze too. And, it's not like there were so many of us that he had forgotten he already said bye to me. In any case, it was cute. And, I miss him. 

Took my breath away

January 8, 2014

It just hit me square in the chest that FB will be gone in less than a week. How did I let the time slip through my fingers? These last few weeks with him have been nothing short of amazing. We've discovered so much about each other, and how much we love to be together. 

But, it's all for what? I don't know what's going to happen now, and that scares me. He'll be thousands of miles plus an ocean away. How long will his feelings for me last? I don't want to be with anyone else, but I can't say the same for him. Because, I don't know. 
_________________________________________________________

January 15, 2014

It's been a week since I started this last post, and yes, FB is gone. He left last night. It helped that one of my cousins is visiting this week from AZ, so I've spent the last two days with her and not thinking about him leaving. 

Until last night. A bunch of us went out to Bdubs as a last dinner with FB right before he had to get to the airport. I brought my cousin along since I wanted to hang out with her too, and have few beers since we've always talked about doing that when she visits, or I visit. 

So, we get there and the group is starting to arrive, and Bdubs is CRAZY busy ... on a Tuesday night. I mean, WTF?? Waiting at the front for a table got ridiculous, so we went to the bar, and eventually kapu'd enough tables where everyone could sit. My cousin bought me my first drink, and it did the trick. I was feeling good, not sad at all the whole night. I had a great time with everyone. Right up until he started making his goodbye rounds. I texted him to save mine for the very last. 

He did. Boy, did he. 

Just about the whole group went outside, FB and I walked out together, arms around each other. Talking and joking the whole walk out. Then, some friends wanted pictures, and then he was off to get the truck. Half the group rode, so they were off suiting up which left me there with FB's roommates as they waited for him to bring the truck around. It was like a wave of emotion smashed up against me, and the water works came forth. There was nothing I could do to stop it. I tried my best to conceal my sobs, but it was no use. By this time, everyone saw me, but I couldn't have cared less. The truck pulls up, and he jumps out and runs over to me. His roomies make their way to the truck, and he comes up and wraps his arms around me, holding me tight. 

I bury my head in his chest and let that huge sob go. And, I cried. Like a baby. His voice was comforting, and so were his words. I told him that I'm gonna miss him, and he said he'll miss me too. But, this moment could not last long since he was rushing off to make his flight. We had already kept him longer than we should have. So, he looks at me briefly, then gives me a tender goodbye kiss on my lips. Since I've only kissed him twice, I've been trying to imprint his lips on my mine in my mind. To keep it fresh, and to warm me when I'm feeling sad. 

After he left, I made my way back into the restaurant where I cried more, and tried to settle before driving home. My cousin and I sat in the parking lot for a bit, when I get a text from him ... "I'm really going to miss you." My heart jumped, so happy at his words. And, for the rest of the night, I was sad, but the worst of it had passed. 

Today, I was in a rather good mood. There were moments here and there that got me down, but I would remember that he isn't leaving me, and I'm not losing him. This is just an obstacle ... a really big obstacle that I know we can overcome. Because, like I told him, I think we could be amazing together. And, I know I'm right.