What's next?

So, what's next? Nothing. There's nothing to be done about this situation. He's leaving, and we can't start something because of that.

It's hard to deal with because the possibilities have been flooding my mind in the last week. The doors have been opened, feelings pent up over the last (almost) two years burst out, and this is what I get. Nothing.

It's too late to start something. We can't even kiss, or even talk about it. The flirting still goes on, though. Saturday night, we went to his cousin's birthday party together. It was a smaller gathering than the Christmas party the week before. And, the fun we had all together was amazing as always. FB and I were our usual, casual and flirty selves. This time, though, there were eyes watching us. Trying to see if we give away anything that's happened in the last week. 

The only person I told was one of my girls (his cousin's gf). She implied that something may have come out of that mistletoe comment. So, I filled her in. She agrees with me how shitty our situation is because we can't start something. She would have loved to see us be together. I would have too. 

I can't help but think that all I want is him. Yes, I've dated many, many other guys since meeting FB, but he's always been there in the back of my mind. Not like anyone else. This one is different. He's got staying power. And, I know he wants us to happen, but he's so incredibly hesitant because of his upcoming move. I don't blame him for hesitating now that he knows I feel the same, but I want to know. I want to see this happen, no matter how it could end up. He rocks my thoughts, and when I think about being with him, I'm so happy. 

Some of my friends are trying to convince me to make it happen, and tell him how I really feel. And, I want to. But, not over text or messaging. I want to do it face to face, and really know what he's thinking. Our friends have mentioned to me that we have a chemistry that's visual and very hard to find. How can I just let that go? I feel what they're talking about because it's always been so easy to be with him. There's no pressure of any kind, and even now. On Saturday, I wondered if he might try to get me under the mistletoe again, but when he didn't, it wasn't so disappointing because he shows me in other ways that he's thinking about me, and wanting me the same way I want him. 

This is so frustrating. I can't just let him go. I don't quite know what to do yet, but when the time comes, I'll know exactly the right thing to do. And, say. Time to just fall asleep on it. 

xoxo