I can't seem to dig myself out of this funk. I had a talk with my cousin last night, and she agrees with me that I should just forget about my FB. For one thing, he's leaving. Another, timing .... always the issue.
Timing ... what the hell is that all about? He agrees that we've always had bad timing, but is that just an excuse now? We could try, we really could. But, then I think he just wants to forget me and everything he felt. Now, that it's too late and he's trying to move on and away. I can't believe I'm getting stuck with this shit again.
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I started this post a few nights ago. Since then, FB and I went out to dinner Friday night. For a change, I drove and picked him up. Let me just say, Mililani, fuck you. Got lost trying to get to his place, AND got lost leaving his place. WTF?? I live here, and I'm getting lost in Mililani?? Kinda funny now that I think about it. But, anyway, he walked down a block from his place when I finally saw him on the street, on the phone with him the whole time trying to find my way there. Pretty funny ...
So, I get him and we go to Assagios for a nice Italian dinner. One of his favorites, and mine too. We talk, idle conversation at first, but as the night progressed, it got a little more personal, and deep right before the end. How I wish I had the whole night to just be with him and hash this whole thing out. The way I see it, from my point of view, there's an endless amount of possibilities, even though he's leaving. I'm trying and wanting to keep positive about this. His move is a good thing, I understand that now. But, for him, he's not thinking about the possibilities. He's only thinking that if we started this thing between us, he won't want to leave. So, he sees it like he's gotta cut it off before it has a chance to go anywhere. And, I can see that he's doing the best he can, even if it means ignoring my inquisitive texts. I get it. Just wish he would see what I see.
I asked him about the mistletoe thing, and he said it started as a joke because he didn't know what I would do. Then, he really started to wonder what would happen if he just grabbed me and got me under the mistletoe. It got a little deep after that. He tells me that he's old fashioned (love that!) and that he doesn't want a reason to stay. I tell him that he wouldn't have to stay, and he says that yes, he would. In disbelief, I shake my head and tell him that he wouldn't have to. And, he paused and gave me this sweet sort of sad smile and said "yes, I would." Faaaaaak! I wanted to cry right there. Happy and sad at the same fucking time. Of course, now I can't get enough and want to talk more and see where this could go. But, he was throwing barriers up everywhere, and I wasn't helping cause I was too. I kept trying to steer the conversation back to us, but there just wasn't enough time to get into anything serious.
Just as well, I guess. When I left his place, we hugged and it was a different hug than we've ever had before. He pulled me in with one arm, but brought the other one around and held me for a little longer than usual. I wrapped my arms around him, and relaxed into him, and just enjoyed it for as long as it lasted. I'd do anything to feel that again.
We let each other go and said good night. But, I called after him that we didn't get to finish our talk. He promised we would, but pointed out that there's not much to talk about since he'll be so far away. And, there it is. He's not seeing it like I am. So, I guess that's it.
So, today, he sold his bike. It was a sad day, I know that. I knew it, so I wanted so much to do something with him. Just to cheer him up, drink or whatever. I was sad that his bike is gone! Can't imagine how hard that was for him. All I knew was that I was pretty sad about it, and I just wanted to be with him. But, he wasn't going for it, so I did my own thing tonight.
Texted my cousin about it a bit, and we're back to me giving up on the feelings part for him. It might be the best thing since I don't think he'll see my side of it. All he sees is that I'd be a reason for him to stay and he really has to go. I understand it, I really do, I just wish he wouldn't completely shut the door on us. We could work, I just know it. I feel it in my gut. You know what the sad part about it is? I know he has to go, but I can't lose him. So, Friday night, after I got home and got B to sleep, I sat in the dark on my bedroom floor, listened to music and cried .... hard. I cried for a long time. My heart is broken, aching for the chance to be with him. But, it won't happen. I think I've always been a little in love with him. Never let myself admit it until now. Why now? Fuck. Cause he's leaving, that's why.
I need help moving on from this one. It's too hard to let go by myself. There's a quote I saw in my newsfeed saying something like, if you're brave enough to say goodbye, you'll be rewarded with a new hello. At this point, I'm kinda really looking forward to that new hello. Really need it. Really do.
But, now, the dynamics have changed. Something I didn't consider as an after-effect of becoming emotionally involved with one of my riding buddies. When I talked about not being more than friends with him in previous posts, I only thought about losing the group if things ever went bad. And, I never wanted that because I love my riding family. But, it's not that things are going bad, but he's leaving and I caught all these damn feelings for him. Being with the group won't be the same without him. It stabs me in the heart whenever I think about it. And, I'm crying again. Faaaaaak.
He was a major part of the group, he IS a major part of the group. We're all gonna miss him. But, it's gonna be even harder for me since I'll be here with them, but without him. They were all starting to see us together, too. Damn, this sucks.
There are still a few more events and get-togethers before he leaves, so I'm trying to make it to everything with him. Very hard to do tho, it's Christmas and then new years. All time spent with my family, that's not an option. Christmas day, my friends are having something, and we just talked about whether or not we're going. He said he probably will, but I can't commit. I'm trying to work it so that I can at least go for a few hours. And, New years ... forget it. I will be with my family, as with the tradition. One of our other friends is having something at his place in Kaimuki. There's NO WAY I can get to that. And, I really want to be with him when the clock strikes midnight. But, can't. Just gotta let that one go and hope he doesn't kiss anyone else to ring in the new year.
Though, I must confess that I want to invite him to one of my family traditions. The night before New years eve, my family gathers at my grandpa's house to wrap lau lau and have dinner together. It's a wonderful tradition that I adore. I've always wanted to share it with someone special to me. And, FB is. He's a white guy, and has never seen this done. So, I want to invite him. I have no idea if he'll want to come, but I'm gonna do it anyway. Gonna have to clear it with the Warden (Mom), but it's worth a shot. I just want to give him a true Hawaii experience before he goes off to Colorado. Guarans-ball-baranz he's never done anything like this.
Oh geez, it's 2 in the morning. Time to get to bed. Til the next time, readers .... xoxo
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