Something that has been on my mind for a little while now is starting to take a little toll on me. I wish I could shut my mind up about it. It's probably really stupid, but I just don't know what to do.
When I think about it, there are a lot of positives. But, at the same time, the negatives are so overwhelming that I just want to give up. Am I crazy for thinking this way? It's not over thinking either. I know T would tell me I'm over thinking this particular thing, but I don't think I am. It's just when it starts to invade my thoughts during the day, during work hours, I know it's not good.
What am I gonna do? No, I'm not going into detail here on my blog, just need to vent a little because I'm about to drive myself insane.
All I want to do is go home, snuggle up with little B, and watch movies. In bed. Oh, and eat. My god. I'm so damn hungry. OMG. I'm going nucking futs over here. Could this be any awesomer? Yeah, I said it. It's a word now. For sure.
Sigh.
xoxo
Friday, February 6, 2015
Late night Rando's
I'm at it again, folks. Late night posting about things moving about in my head. It's frustrating, fun and whole lotta mess. Yes, my brain is about to spew some word vomit. You're not gonna like it.
I don't even like it, but it has to come out. I'm so frustrated. With things going on in my personal life. No names, of course, but I gotta say, I am struggling.
First off, my computer is still broken, so I can't access all my writings. It's driving me up the wall because so much has been happening, and the creative stuff is starting to really build up. I miss the days where I could just pop open my laptop and bang out a page or two in my story. Or, a little novel of a post. Or, simply a thought that I need to get down in my personal journal ... for my eyes only. I miss that, and I need to fix it.
My laptop is getting pretty old, and it's definitely time for a new one. But, I need to get to all my work, and in order to do that, I have to get that screen fixed. Once I do, I can save up for a new laptop. Until then, I'm using my dad's desktop, and sneaking some writing in at work. Only thing, I can't save anything there.
I still don't have a car, so THAT's making the frustration even worse. There was going to be one last attempt to fix it, but that's not gonna happen. So, I have to chuck it and save for a new one. Oh, and I'm looking for a starter bike to learn on, and quite possibly get me to and from work. I could be starting at a new job soon, so I will need my own transportation. What a headache.
Back to all the fun going on in my life ... it is, and it's not. There's a lot of positive stuff going on, but on the dating front, I gotta say, this one is different. Never done anything like it before. And, that's all I'm going to say about that.
Today marks one month that SM and I have been split. I'm over it, and we are friends again. Like this past year had never happened. All those feelings disappeared like smoke on a windy day. The feeling is amazing. We can talk, and I feel nothing. I still care about him, but only as a friend. It's nice.
So, I think I've had about as much drama as I can handle in the past month. I'm talking about girlie drama. The friends I thought were true, are not. I'm actually trying to distance myself from one of them now. She's the last of the group, and she insists on still talking with me. I could care less because she is friends with all those fake personalities, and it makes me sick. She's nice enough, but drama rules her world, and I can't be around that.
And, on another note ... I am staying away from faceBITCH. I mean, facebook. Another hiatus is calling to me as I am just hating it right now. Social media .. ugh. I am just over it. All the posts about weddings, babies, date nights, pictures ... not to mention people you don't want to see popping up everywhere. And, then the ones you want to hear from, you see them all over fb, but where's my text?? You know? Oh hell, I'm so done.
And, Instagram. What the fuck is that all about? If you're gonna post a million and one pictures on social media, DON'T do it on IG! At least on fb, you can upload a bunch at one time. IG only lets you upload one at a time. It's no fun scrolling through that feed seeing picture after picture from the same person. OMG kill me now! So, I'm just gonna stay away from it. Another thing, you know that girlie drama? It's on there too! Girls I know will shamelessly chase after guys that don't want them, liking their pictures and commenting where it's not wanted. Ugh. I see certain names, and I cringe. And, it's not gonna go away. So, I have to. I know it's the attention. Guys just LOVE the attention a girl is willing to throw at them. No matter how much they deny it. They like it. So, I'm just done.
At least for now.
Ugh. What did I tell you. Word vomit.
xoxo
I don't even like it, but it has to come out. I'm so frustrated. With things going on in my personal life. No names, of course, but I gotta say, I am struggling.
First off, my computer is still broken, so I can't access all my writings. It's driving me up the wall because so much has been happening, and the creative stuff is starting to really build up. I miss the days where I could just pop open my laptop and bang out a page or two in my story. Or, a little novel of a post. Or, simply a thought that I need to get down in my personal journal ... for my eyes only. I miss that, and I need to fix it.
My laptop is getting pretty old, and it's definitely time for a new one. But, I need to get to all my work, and in order to do that, I have to get that screen fixed. Once I do, I can save up for a new laptop. Until then, I'm using my dad's desktop, and sneaking some writing in at work. Only thing, I can't save anything there.
I still don't have a car, so THAT's making the frustration even worse. There was going to be one last attempt to fix it, but that's not gonna happen. So, I have to chuck it and save for a new one. Oh, and I'm looking for a starter bike to learn on, and quite possibly get me to and from work. I could be starting at a new job soon, so I will need my own transportation. What a headache.
Back to all the fun going on in my life ... it is, and it's not. There's a lot of positive stuff going on, but on the dating front, I gotta say, this one is different. Never done anything like it before. And, that's all I'm going to say about that.
Today marks one month that SM and I have been split. I'm over it, and we are friends again. Like this past year had never happened. All those feelings disappeared like smoke on a windy day. The feeling is amazing. We can talk, and I feel nothing. I still care about him, but only as a friend. It's nice.
So, I think I've had about as much drama as I can handle in the past month. I'm talking about girlie drama. The friends I thought were true, are not. I'm actually trying to distance myself from one of them now. She's the last of the group, and she insists on still talking with me. I could care less because she is friends with all those fake personalities, and it makes me sick. She's nice enough, but drama rules her world, and I can't be around that.
And, on another note ... I am staying away from faceBITCH. I mean, facebook. Another hiatus is calling to me as I am just hating it right now. Social media .. ugh. I am just over it. All the posts about weddings, babies, date nights, pictures ... not to mention people you don't want to see popping up everywhere. And, then the ones you want to hear from, you see them all over fb, but where's my text?? You know? Oh hell, I'm so done.
And, Instagram. What the fuck is that all about? If you're gonna post a million and one pictures on social media, DON'T do it on IG! At least on fb, you can upload a bunch at one time. IG only lets you upload one at a time. It's no fun scrolling through that feed seeing picture after picture from the same person. OMG kill me now! So, I'm just gonna stay away from it. Another thing, you know that girlie drama? It's on there too! Girls I know will shamelessly chase after guys that don't want them, liking their pictures and commenting where it's not wanted. Ugh. I see certain names, and I cringe. And, it's not gonna go away. So, I have to. I know it's the attention. Guys just LOVE the attention a girl is willing to throw at them. No matter how much they deny it. They like it. So, I'm just done.
At least for now.
Ugh. What did I tell you. Word vomit.
xoxo
Tuesday, February 3, 2015
Real or fake. Does it matter to you?
Yes. It matters to me. I'm talking about those we think are close to us. Friends, acquaintances, people we meet everyday. It's hard to see at first, but as you get to know someone ... it's not all sunshine and rainbows.
I've been thinking a lot lately about those friends I consider the genuine article. The ones who prove to be the real deal. And, you know what? There are only a handful of people I consider a real friend.
This post is gonna focus on the ladies in my life. I've never really had a best girl friend. Well, I used to back in school, but over the years as we grew up and apart, her true colors started to really show, and the person she really was had no place in my life. Unfortunate, but I will not stand to have toxic, negative people in my life.
I'm talking about in my adult life. The closest thing to a best friend I've had was my ex-husband, M. He and I have known each other for over 15 years. Next to him, there's my cousin T. She's about 8 years younger than me, but we've been through a lot of similar things in regards to relationships, and just life in general. She's the one I can turn to with anything, especially when I need a shoulder to cry on, or some emotional support. T keeps me sane, and at the same time, lets me rant my head off when I need it.
In the last few days, I needed her support with something I had been dealing with, and she is always on my side. T is my cousin and best friend. And, to counter act her full, loving support, there's my other girl friend, Red. The two of them are so different, and provide such a different perspective on things. I'll bring the same issue up with both of them, and get two sides I can look at things. But, this one situation in particular, they both agreed.
Now, I have to say something about those "fake" friends that have been in my life the past few years. Recently, it's come to my attention that some that I thought were genuine turned out to be nothing more than lying, backstabbing bitches. Selfishness above all else. It's sickening. Putting their physical appearance above their so-called "friends" because they're jealous of something someone else has. It's ridiculous, and I can't be around it anymore.
Just makes me thankful for the real people I have in my life. It may not be too many, but I'd rather be surrounded by good, true people than fake, backstabbing bitches.
That's all folks ...
xoxo
I've been thinking a lot lately about those friends I consider the genuine article. The ones who prove to be the real deal. And, you know what? There are only a handful of people I consider a real friend.
This post is gonna focus on the ladies in my life. I've never really had a best girl friend. Well, I used to back in school, but over the years as we grew up and apart, her true colors started to really show, and the person she really was had no place in my life. Unfortunate, but I will not stand to have toxic, negative people in my life.
I'm talking about in my adult life. The closest thing to a best friend I've had was my ex-husband, M. He and I have known each other for over 15 years. Next to him, there's my cousin T. She's about 8 years younger than me, but we've been through a lot of similar things in regards to relationships, and just life in general. She's the one I can turn to with anything, especially when I need a shoulder to cry on, or some emotional support. T keeps me sane, and at the same time, lets me rant my head off when I need it.
In the last few days, I needed her support with something I had been dealing with, and she is always on my side. T is my cousin and best friend. And, to counter act her full, loving support, there's my other girl friend, Red. The two of them are so different, and provide such a different perspective on things. I'll bring the same issue up with both of them, and get two sides I can look at things. But, this one situation in particular, they both agreed.
Now, I have to say something about those "fake" friends that have been in my life the past few years. Recently, it's come to my attention that some that I thought were genuine turned out to be nothing more than lying, backstabbing bitches. Selfishness above all else. It's sickening. Putting their physical appearance above their so-called "friends" because they're jealous of something someone else has. It's ridiculous, and I can't be around it anymore.
Just makes me thankful for the real people I have in my life. It may not be too many, but I'd rather be surrounded by good, true people than fake, backstabbing bitches.
That's all folks ...
xoxo
Tuesday, January 27, 2015
Caught!
Yeah, I caught that damn site Opinuns up and running again. I emailed them to ask what the hell happened since I was doing some decent writing for them, and then kapoot!
I have no idea if I'll hear back about what happened, or if they'll even give me another writing contract, but I gotta try, right? Even though it was celebrity gossip and my opinion, it was pretty entertaining and really tested my writing skills. It's great experience for me to gain as a published writer ... not to mention getting paid for each article. That's always nice.
I think what I really need to do is find a site, or a few that would be willing to publish some of my stories. Like, a weekly thing. I have so much in my head, and getting them all down into each book is a bit challenging at the moment since I am without my laptop. I'm a writer. How does this happen?? Ugh.
Driving me nuts right about now.
xoxo
I have no idea if I'll hear back about what happened, or if they'll even give me another writing contract, but I gotta try, right? Even though it was celebrity gossip and my opinion, it was pretty entertaining and really tested my writing skills. It's great experience for me to gain as a published writer ... not to mention getting paid for each article. That's always nice.
I think what I really need to do is find a site, or a few that would be willing to publish some of my stories. Like, a weekly thing. I have so much in my head, and getting them all down into each book is a bit challenging at the moment since I am without my laptop. I'm a writer. How does this happen?? Ugh.
Driving me nuts right about now.
xoxo
Monday, January 12, 2015
So much I've missed
Looking back on 2014, I've realized how much I missed. It was a great year, don't get me wrong, it's just that while I was having such a great year in my head, I forgot to have a life here where I am. Physically.
First off, I need to apologize to my little B. I was consumed with someone who didn't really feel the same as I did. That took my attention away from her, and that's time I can never get back. Second, plans for a move can be put on hold. No pressure to be out there by the start of the next school year, and it actually feels good. A move off this island is definitely in my future, but not for a while.
It was fun making plans to be out there, but as the year was coming to an end, I was starting to have some doubts. Plan B began to form in my head as I felt SM slipping away. I started wondering what it would be like when I was finally up there. Would he actually make time to be with me? As it was the last two or so months, he barely texted and forget skyping. I had to put my big girl panties on and brace myself for a change. And, I am so glad I did.
When the break up email came, it was a shock, but the effects didn't last as long as they might have if I kept the fantasy going in my head.
Fantasy. That's all it was. A nice little escape in my head. Thinking I could change my situation and solve all my problems with a huge move like that. The change would be good, I know that, but I am glad that I made him less of a factor in my plans.
This last week has opened my eyes to the many wonderful things I had been missing here in the place that I live. In the now. I had forgotten how exciting and fun it is to actually go out with someone who lives here. Someone who wants to be in my company. Though, I love being a homebody, I enjoy going out and being among the masses, too. All the while doing it with someone I enjoy spending my time with.
Part of me wants to go off on a rant about the fantasy and reality of the sorted SM relationship that just ended. I feel duped. Like, I wasted half my year in my head with him when I could have been enjoying someone else who is physically real to me. But, I won't. That, I think, is something for my eyes only. No one needs to see it. Jumbled thoughts, random ideas and over thinking can be too much for my blog ... sometimes.
Work, thank goodness, is almost finished. Catching up on sleep is on the agenda for tonight. And, recruiting one or two new members for my clan. We need to go to war. Like, last week.
I really need to fix my laptop.
Night, readers. Xoxo
First off, I need to apologize to my little B. I was consumed with someone who didn't really feel the same as I did. That took my attention away from her, and that's time I can never get back. Second, plans for a move can be put on hold. No pressure to be out there by the start of the next school year, and it actually feels good. A move off this island is definitely in my future, but not for a while.
It was fun making plans to be out there, but as the year was coming to an end, I was starting to have some doubts. Plan B began to form in my head as I felt SM slipping away. I started wondering what it would be like when I was finally up there. Would he actually make time to be with me? As it was the last two or so months, he barely texted and forget skyping. I had to put my big girl panties on and brace myself for a change. And, I am so glad I did.
When the break up email came, it was a shock, but the effects didn't last as long as they might have if I kept the fantasy going in my head.
Fantasy. That's all it was. A nice little escape in my head. Thinking I could change my situation and solve all my problems with a huge move like that. The change would be good, I know that, but I am glad that I made him less of a factor in my plans.
This last week has opened my eyes to the many wonderful things I had been missing here in the place that I live. In the now. I had forgotten how exciting and fun it is to actually go out with someone who lives here. Someone who wants to be in my company. Though, I love being a homebody, I enjoy going out and being among the masses, too. All the while doing it with someone I enjoy spending my time with.
Part of me wants to go off on a rant about the fantasy and reality of the sorted SM relationship that just ended. I feel duped. Like, I wasted half my year in my head with him when I could have been enjoying someone else who is physically real to me. But, I won't. That, I think, is something for my eyes only. No one needs to see it. Jumbled thoughts, random ideas and over thinking can be too much for my blog ... sometimes.
Work, thank goodness, is almost finished. Catching up on sleep is on the agenda for tonight. And, recruiting one or two new members for my clan. We need to go to war. Like, last week.
I really need to fix my laptop.
Night, readers. Xoxo
Saturday, January 10, 2015
Trust your gut ...
Why do we always go against what our gut is telling us? Well, not always, but it seems more often then not.
In this case, my gut was so right on about this.
All I'm gonna say about this one is that my gut instincts were absolutely right. I had a feeling about someone I had never met. And, this was months and months ago. Now that things have been clarified in my personal life, it's so clear to see that this person was meant to be in it. Back then, the time wasn't right. And, now ....
....to be continued.
xoxo
In this case, my gut was so right on about this.
All I'm gonna say about this one is that my gut instincts were absolutely right. I had a feeling about someone I had never met. And, this was months and months ago. Now that things have been clarified in my personal life, it's so clear to see that this person was meant to be in it. Back then, the time wasn't right. And, now ....
....to be continued.
xoxo
Wednesday, January 7, 2015
When it's over ....
So, it's over. SM and I are threw.
The past few weeks have been sparse as far as communication. I had a feeling something was amiss.
He sent me an email on Monday afternoon detailing his absence due to soul searching and figuring out what was missing in our relationship. He came to the conclusion that we should just be friends. Friends.
It's Wednesday afternoon, and I have to say that I am feeling a lot better. I have requested that we talk about this since I have questions. He kind of blindsided me. As far as I knew, we were fine. Happy, even. Up until a few weeks ago.
The only thing I can think of is he felt too much pressure with my pending move out there. He said that he felt something was missing, and felt that he, rather, we gave it a good try. I disagree. Of the one year we've been together, we've spent about a month in the same place. That doesn't constitute "trying" to me. But, whatever.
I thought we were the real deal. We had talked about what our relationship was and where it was going more often then not. And, each time, we came to the conclusion that we both wanted to be together. Committed to each other. I could always tell how he was feeling just by looking into his eyes. They never lied. But, for whatever reason, he's been spooked and off he goes. There's nothing I can do about it. I rest my case as far as the relationship goes. It was a long shot doing this long distance thing. And, I fooled myself into thinking it could work. I won't make that mistake again.
This time around, it's different. I'm handling this break up differently than any other in the past few years. Maybe it's because he was a good friend before we started dating? Even though my heart is broken, I think we can be friends again down the road. I miss him, but it's not that longing for him kind of missing. I just like talking to him. I miss that. I'm more upset at myself for falling for him. And, I'm mad at him for leading me to believe that what we had was real. Far from it.
Anyway, I see him for who he really is now. It's very unattractive, and it helps as far as the healing process goes. One friend I talked to today tried to give me a little bit of hope. She was shocked when I told her we'd broken up. She said that since I'm still planning my move, that you never know what could happen since I will be up there. I told her that I didn't think so. It's hard for me to feel the way I did when the ugly side of someone I once loved comes out. Some things just can't be unseen when you see them.
I wasn't going to post about this til I felt better, but I'm feeling pretty good. So, he wasn't the one. Big deal. It's his loss, and I know he's feeling a little bit of RAGRET. (If anyone's seen We're the Millers, you'll get it) Just had to throw that one in there. Gave me a good little chuckle.
So, work is almost over, and I'm going out riding tonight. Going with someone I've known for a while via facebook and mutual riding friends. Met once in person, but didn't really get to talk. He's been there when I needed to vent or talk over the past few days. And, I'm grateful. Time to close down, and go have fun. For once.
xoxo
The past few weeks have been sparse as far as communication. I had a feeling something was amiss.
He sent me an email on Monday afternoon detailing his absence due to soul searching and figuring out what was missing in our relationship. He came to the conclusion that we should just be friends. Friends.
It's Wednesday afternoon, and I have to say that I am feeling a lot better. I have requested that we talk about this since I have questions. He kind of blindsided me. As far as I knew, we were fine. Happy, even. Up until a few weeks ago.
The only thing I can think of is he felt too much pressure with my pending move out there. He said that he felt something was missing, and felt that he, rather, we gave it a good try. I disagree. Of the one year we've been together, we've spent about a month in the same place. That doesn't constitute "trying" to me. But, whatever.
I thought we were the real deal. We had talked about what our relationship was and where it was going more often then not. And, each time, we came to the conclusion that we both wanted to be together. Committed to each other. I could always tell how he was feeling just by looking into his eyes. They never lied. But, for whatever reason, he's been spooked and off he goes. There's nothing I can do about it. I rest my case as far as the relationship goes. It was a long shot doing this long distance thing. And, I fooled myself into thinking it could work. I won't make that mistake again.
This time around, it's different. I'm handling this break up differently than any other in the past few years. Maybe it's because he was a good friend before we started dating? Even though my heart is broken, I think we can be friends again down the road. I miss him, but it's not that longing for him kind of missing. I just like talking to him. I miss that. I'm more upset at myself for falling for him. And, I'm mad at him for leading me to believe that what we had was real. Far from it.
Anyway, I see him for who he really is now. It's very unattractive, and it helps as far as the healing process goes. One friend I talked to today tried to give me a little bit of hope. She was shocked when I told her we'd broken up. She said that since I'm still planning my move, that you never know what could happen since I will be up there. I told her that I didn't think so. It's hard for me to feel the way I did when the ugly side of someone I once loved comes out. Some things just can't be unseen when you see them.
I wasn't going to post about this til I felt better, but I'm feeling pretty good. So, he wasn't the one. Big deal. It's his loss, and I know he's feeling a little bit of RAGRET. (If anyone's seen We're the Millers, you'll get it) Just had to throw that one in there. Gave me a good little chuckle.
So, work is almost over, and I'm going out riding tonight. Going with someone I've known for a while via facebook and mutual riding friends. Met once in person, but didn't really get to talk. He's been there when I needed to vent or talk over the past few days. And, I'm grateful. Time to close down, and go have fun. For once.
xoxo
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