Science of my tears

Have you ever heard a song that instantly makes you cry? There are a few that touch me so, but none like this one. Coldplay's The Scientist. 

It's not just my tears, but it invokes a feeling of longing for something that just seems too far away. Something I want more than anything. Something I just can't have. Not yet, anyway. 

I don't know how else to put the science of my tears into words. This feeling comes from deep within me, and this song brings it to the surface so quickly, and instantly, I'm crying on the floor in my mind. It paralyzes me, and my eyes well up with tears, and I can't do anything to stop it. 

"Nobody said it was easy. No one ever said it would be this hard. Aw, take me back to the start."

That line, I can't get it out of my head. I wonder if it means something that it's that line that sticks out in my mind? I don't know. I can't explain it. I can't explain this. But, I had to shared it on FB anyway. I don't care who sees it. I don't care what people think. I am in love with this song because it makes me feel. 

Another song that makes me teary-eyed is The Beatles' Woman. Ok, more than teary-eyes. I fricken ball when I hear this song.  And, I can't say why. 

Now that I'm thinking about it, I may have the answer. At the same time that I'm writing this blog post, I'm also writing in my journal. My journal is a place just for me. Sure, my blog is where I come to spit out a lot of stuff, but my journal? That place is the REAL me. No one shares that space, not even SM. For a long time, I didn't even want to share my blog with SM, but he's got this address now and can read any time he wants. 

But, I think I know why I just burst into tears now ... at random times, with random songs. The Scientist was a random one I heard on Pandora. At work! I listened to the words, and instantly I loved the music. Then, right there, the song spoke to my heart, and I was a goner. Every single time I hear this song now ... I'm paralyzed with a stream of tears running down my face. 

Yes, I am a sapp. And, I am also a huge nerd. And, there are songs that fill me with happiness, too. For instance, now, whenever I hear a song by CAKE, I think of SM. He knows I love that band, so on his birthday, when we were driving back from exploring in the mountains, he put on Comfort Eagle for me, and let the whole CD play over and over again. Just because it made me happy. What really made me happy was being with him ... while listening to a band we both like. 

Speaking of SM, we had a good Skype session tonight. He's got tonight off, and tomorrow night. So, we'll be skyping again tomorrow. He called me at work today ALL excited because he bought a new motorcycle. YES! I am excited for him, and for me! Cause, I get to ride that sexy bitch the next time I'm there. 

The next time I'm there ... when will that be? I am hoping, REALLY hoping it will be in September. It's still very iffy and quite high up in the air. But, I'm working on it. 

I'm working on it .... xoxo

Closing in on me ... breaking me down

I've been back home for two weeks now. And, this pressure, this ache to be somewhere else has not diminished. Not even a little. I'm feeling frustrated. 

The stress and frustration got to me pretty good today. At work, I don't know. I was losing it, and it was getting hard to even communicate and talk with patients. 

I just need to talk. To someone. Anyone who will help me through this. I want to talk with SM, but his work schedule is a demanding one, so our skype sessions have been reduced to once or twice a week. If even that. We still text everyday, but it's not much. 

I suppose the lack of contact can be good. It gives us a chance to really miss each other, and be all the more excited to talk and see each other when we do get to skype. Speaking of which, on our last session, he showed me a new tattoo he got on his right outer calve. It's a character from the show Invader Zim. I've never seen this show, but when he showed me what he got, I could NOT stop laughing. It's the main character's side kick, Gir. He told me that he went with that design because it was free, and he wanted to check out this tattoo apprentice before she actually did the tattoo he really wants. 

Gotta hand it to the guy, though. He wants to help her get more experience done for her apprenticeship, plus she's cheaper than a regular tattoo artist. He goes back in two weeks to get the one he really wants ... inner bicep right arm. I think it'll look great. But, his newest tatt of Gir ... oh my lord. It's hilarious! And, he was surprised that me, of all people laughed at him for it. Sure, I'm into cartoons and comics, but I could never just get a tatt of a character I don't even know permanently on my body. He be crazy, but he's my crazy guy. I love it. The spontaneity of his nature is just enough for me to handle. And, who knows? Maybe I'll get a tattoo the next time I'm up there. I have some ideas ....

So, I think I'll get to bed early tonight. B is spending the night at her dad's and I'm here alone with my thoughts. 

Clarity in a haste?

Well, I wouldn't quite call it a haste, but more like a rash decision. Nothing is set in stone, of course, but I'm really putting a lot of thought and effort into a move. 

While I was with my cousin in CO, she told me about how they came to move there after their first visit a few years ago. She told me that when I return home, I'm really going to feel it. Since, I've already been considering a move, it will be ever prevalent when I return. 

She was SO. RIGHT. 

After getting over the initial shock of missing SM, I felt how small this island really is. And, I've been wanting to crawl out of my own skin ever since. I absolutely did NOT want to think about coming back home while having the time of my life up there with him. And, I didn't. Not until a few days before I left. It was last Tuesday night when he was at work that it really hit me. I had to leave in a few short days. That combined with missing B was more than I could handle at the time. Tears were flowing, sobs crept out of me when I wasn't expecting it ... just an all around miserable night. I stayed up as late as I could, and when I woke again, he was there getting into bed with me. And, I have to say that is the best way to wake up. At least, it is for now. 

But, how long will for now be? I've been back home for three days now. I am feeling a bit better, but my thoughts go back to Colorado every chance it gets. I love the freedom we'll have up there, and now that I know I have options ... makes me want to move in haste. 

I've realized what I really want. What would make me the happiest in the whole world. And, that is to be able to work, write and come home to my two favorite people. B and SM. Everyday. That's all I want. I don't care if he and I have only been together for a few months. I've always enjoyed being in his company. And, I don't care about going out and having a super busy social life. Not anymore. I'm ready to settle down again. I'm ready to have my family, and just enjoy them. B wants a little brother or sister. I'm SO on the fence about that, but the topic is still on the table. As well as marriage. Even after being married to the biggest, nicest asshole jerk face, marriage isn't as tainted for me as I thought it would be. Not when it's with the right person. Sigh.

Talk about the big stuff being put into perspective. Do you understand my haste now?

Hah, but in all practicality, this move won't happen for a long while. I'm planning at least one more visit in a few months. Though, I will be working towards the move. You can count on that.

It's Skype time ... xoxo.

First Visit to the big CO

Yes readers, I am here! Finally with my Stetson Man. It feels like this time is flying by since I have already been here for five days. It's been amazing, and I am loving this place he is choosing to call his home.

Since I've never been here before, we've been doing a lot of sightseeing, and spending time with his family. His parents are also visiting this week, so it's been nice to spend time with them as well. I've met his parents a few years ago, but never really got to know them. I am really enjoying all the time I've spent here, and getting to play with all their pets. It's like a zoo in the house! A well contained zoo. 

So, I wondered what it would be like to be with SM as a couple since we've always just been good friends. I wondered how it would feel, and I wondered if it would be awkward. And, I am so relieved to know that it all feels natural. It feels right with him. 

We talked last night about it, and it was comforting to know that he feels the same as I do. He told me how he knows we made the right decision to do long distance, and he's happy that we did, and happy that we are still so compatible as a couple physically. Not much has changed, other than the fact that we are together. And, I love it. 

SM has had to work a few nights since I've been here, and I gotta say that it kinda sucks. He has to sleep during the day, so I would take that time to do activities with his family, and mine. Though, I haven't seen my family yet, I hope to soon. But, he goes to work around 6 pm, and doesn't get home until around 8 am the next morning. The hard part is sleeping alone in his bed, in his house. I miss him, and so I try to stay up as long as I can so it won't seem so long til he's home. Is that sad? Haha, I don't think that's quite the right wording, but I knew it would be like this since he's just started work. I didn't expect him to take off while I'm here, and he does have more days off than expected. So, I just cherish the time we do get on his work days. 

I just really miss him. It's almost 1 am here in Centennial, and I'm sitting in his living room typing away while ROME plays in the background. Haven't seen this show in ages, so I thought I'd watch it again. His kitty cat is laying beside me trying to get comfy enough to fall asleep. And, I'm doing my best to stay awake because I know that his lunch break is coming soon, and that's when I'll hear from him. One thing I have to say is that I like the stability. I know that I'll hear from him a few times during the night while he's at work. So many things I've come to learn and have been confirmed about he and I. It's amazing and scary at the same time. Hard to put it in words. 

I am happy. With him, I'm better. I feel complete. Don't know how I'm going to be able to get on that plane when I have to leave him here. Not gonna think about that. 

But, the weekend is rounding the corner, and it will be a busy one. Friday, we'll start the morning off visiting his cousins and their kids, then a shopping afternoon at an ikea. Then it's off to Denver for a few errands and some fun. Saturday, we will be going to the Renaissance fair, and probably a fire pit night at a friends house. Sunday, it's Comic Con in Denver, so I can't wait for that!

Lots of fun to be had, and I'm really having a great time. I miss my little B something fierce, but we got to skype, and we talk a little bit everyday. 

Life won't be the same now that I've got to have a taste of being with SM here in CO. A big, HUGE part of me is saying that I need to just do it, and move. I want to be with him, and I want to be here. Yes, I have my little B to think about, but it's kind of a no-brainer. The schools here are very good, and I would definitely make sure she and I have as much contact with my family back in Hawaii as we can. Skype is a wonderful thing. And, it's not like we'll be totally alone here. SM's family is so warm and welcoming, plus I have cousins that live not too far from him. 

So, now, I just need to talk to him and get his perspective. I know he wants me near, and I want to be near .... It will be good, I think. 

Til the next post .... xoxo.

Starting to love it

I'm talking about what I do. Yes, I'm talking about the writing. Always loved it, but writing articles for websites was never the main goal. But, you know what? It's my craft, and they're letting me get the practice and exposure that I need. I now have two editors. I've been writing for the online entertainment news website for about two months now, and about two weeks ago, I landed another writing job. 

This one has steady work. It seems I have hit the jackpot with this one since this contract boss needs articles every week. They pay the same as my other writing gig, which is good for now. I've just submitted my first article, and I'm hoping my writing style mixes well with what they're looking for. Though, I think he wouldn't have asked me to write if he didn't like my samples. Anyway, the work promises to be steady, and that is something that has really caught my interest. I'll do the best I can with what I have to work with, and maybe I'll get more assignments in the near future. 

As far as work on my book goes, it's going. Rather smooth since the creative juices have been flowing again. Unfortunately, that's how it goes for some of us writers. For me, I ride that wave of creativity as long as I can, until the oceans run flat. Then, nothing. Fortunately, I've managed to grab paying work in between those lulls. It's a little more comforting, but by no means for slacking off. No more!! This book must be finished this year. I'm kind of looking forward to some time I'll have in Colorado. Down time when SM is at work, and I'm at home thinking about what to do. I'll have my laptop since I will need to continuously submit work for both of my contract bosses, and I can work on my book. Inspiration, come to me now!

Stetson Man is on board! We skyped earlier today, and we talked about what we really love to do, and always wanted to do in life. For me, it's writing. No question. It's my passion, as you all can tell. And, it really motivates me to know, and hear him tell me how he likes my style of writing. So, he tells me about what he loves and where he would have liked to take his career. He thinks he's too old, but I think there's still room for him to do what he loves. So, I talk more about my writing gigs, and how I'm coming along with my book. And, he tells me that he loves that I'm getting to do what I really love. It makes him happy to see me succeeding one article at a time. I never had that support in my marriage. Had I? I might be a seasoned writer by now, but I don't like to think about that. 

At the very least, it's a start. A small one, but a start in the right direction for my life and my writing career. I have specific goals for this next year, and I'm setting out to achieve them. The fact that I have SM's full support means the world to me. 

But, I haven't quit the day job yet. The desk job is going pretty well. My manager loves me, and she says she'll really miss me when I'm in Colorado next month. It's only for two weeks, but I must be doing a really good job if she's gonna miss me already. I'm thinking that I might stay longer than I had planned. And, who knows. I have room to grow there, and it could even turn into a full time job. That, I wouldn't mind. It's a nice office with exceptional and friendly staff. And, like I said before, close to home. 

Well, it's after midnight, and since I've been back to work, my night owl days are pretty much over. I can't believe I'm still awake. The reason for that is because I just finished that article. I don't work tomorrow, so I'm trying to stay awake for longer tonight. I think I'll put Game of Thrones on and fall off to sleep. Full day tomorrow.

Good night, readers ...xoxo

Dilemma

I am conflicted at the moment. Not about Stetson Man. No. He's amazing and I know I'm so lucky to have him in my life. It's something else.

Can't really go into it because it's not sorted in my head just yet. Family related. And, I promised myself that I would never blog about family things that I'm dealing with. It's late, and I've taken so long to get a certain point across to a certain someones in my family, and now I'm stressing. I know it's stupid, and I know I'll feel so much better once I do. But, I can't fucking bring myself to do it. UGH.

I'm close to the breaking point, and I just want to get it over with already. Waiting another day is absolutely killing me. Fuck. Me.

Shit. My closest and best cuzzo knows what I'm talking about, and even she can't believe the circumstances ... but, understands. Ugh. Dammit. If I do it now, might help. Fuck.

I know. Rip the bandaid off, right?

Right. G'night world ... xoxo

June trip ... and Skype chat

It's getting closer and I can't wait! Just talked to my cousin tonight who lives in Colorado, and she is stoked I'm coming up to see them. Planning some stuff with her and the family one, or two of the days I'm out there. Not sure if Stetson Man will be able to join us since he doesn't know his work schedule yet. But, I'm kind of hoping he'll be free since it looks like we're planning a hiking day. And, a few grown up drinks afterward. Haha.

This cousin is through marriage, so we aren't actually related. BUT, they've been a part of our family since I was very young, so it feels like we've been family for a long time. She's several years older than me, but one of her kids is B's age, so that was fun being pregnant at the same time. In all, she has six kids. Yeah ... crazy! When she and her husband moved the family from here to Colorado, we all thought they were nuts, but they've been happy there and thriving. I'm glad for them, and every now and then we'll talk about what life is like there ... away from family and away from home. I'm curious about the move, and excited to see and explore out there. 

So, Stetson Man and I have been skyping more. A lot lately. About five days out of the week, or something like that. I can't get enough of the contact. It's all we have for now. Well, that and texting. I love spending my friday nights with him via skype, and he's said that he won't complain about doing the skype thing. Aww ... 

Friday, I got off work at 6pm my time, 10pm his time. I had asked him earlier that day if we could have a skype date that night after I got off. He's been busy taking a hunting certification class online, and researching some other things so he wasn't sure if he'd get all his stuff done in time. So, it was a nice surprise toward the end of my work day that he let me know he could skype. YAY! 

I got off work, and got to Kailua as fast as I could since M was going to watch B that night. I didn't get home til about an hour and a half later. At 11:30pm his time. Poor guy was already tired, but stayed up to have our skype date. So, he tells me that after he got his stuff for class done, he had planned to go to a car show with his uncle earlier that day, but since I asked to skype, he cancelled his plans since he wanted to see me. So sweet! And, though we never plan on staying on so long, time always goes by so fast and before we know it, several hours have passed. It's too funny.

So, tonight, we didn't skype and we probably won't tomorrow since I work. But, there's always Tuesday ... it will be so nice to see and talk to him again. Til then, we have text!

xoxo