Do I wanna know ...?

Been thinking a lot lately of something that might make sense in my life. Rather, someone. There's a song out by Arctic Monkeys called 'Do I wanna know' and it's heavy. At least it is to me. 

Every word speaks to me, and it says he's gonna wait for me ... forever. Sigh. I don't know what to do because I'm conflicted. One day, I think that we can make it work. Then, the next day, I'm over it. And, then I think that maybe we can try. But, then, I think ... no way. 

Part of me wishes he stayed away from me. Never contacted me again. He hurt me so bad. Worse than anyone I've ever been involved with. And, I can't help but feel like I destroyed his life. I ruined him for anyone else. Sigh. I got over this guy four years ago. What the hell?!

He and I talk. We're trying to be friends. We haven't seen each other in about a year, but it's inevitable. He tells me that he's not expecting anything but friendship, but I know better. I've asked him on several occasions if there was anyone else he's thinking about. "Just you" is all he ever tells me. Fuck. 

He's going to want more a lot faster than me. A whole hell of a lot faster because I don't even know what I want. With him. I could be safe with him. I remember feeling so safe, so right with him. All I wanted was to be with him forever. It's amazing what four years will do, how it changes you. 

Then I think, if I have to think about it THIS much, and come up with no clear answer, maybe it's not meant to be. Maybe. Ugh, I think it's the damn holidays making me like this. I've never had someone around the holidays. Yeah, I was married for seven years, and would you believe it ... he was never there. Always, always, ALWAYS fucking working. I was there for him ... attended each and every damn Christmas party at his restaurant. Only cause it was a damn awesome riot! If anyone has ever been to a Haleiwa Joe's Christmas Party, you know what the hell I'm talking about. Can't help but smile about that. 

Anyway, I've always wanted to share my holiday traditions with someone I love, someone that loves me, too. I can't help but feel a little pang of jealousy when I see my younger cousins bringing their significant others around to our family gatherings. I want that for me. I've always wanted that. Shit, when I play Sims, I always make them family oriented. How sad is that? That I sometimes escape to a simulated world where my sim has everything she's ever wanted. Sigh. 

Well, it's getting late here. I'll wrap this post up, and get ready for bed ...

Right after I do a little writing. The creative juices are good for some gettin'!

Night, readers .... xoxo