Do I wanna know ...?

Been thinking a lot lately of something that might make sense in my life. Rather, someone. There's a song out by Arctic Monkeys called 'Do I wanna know' and it's heavy. At least it is to me. 

Every word speaks to me, and it says he's gonna wait for me ... forever. Sigh. I don't know what to do because I'm conflicted. One day, I think that we can make it work. Then, the next day, I'm over it. And, then I think that maybe we can try. But, then, I think ... no way. 

Part of me wishes he stayed away from me. Never contacted me again. He hurt me so bad. Worse than anyone I've ever been involved with. And, I can't help but feel like I destroyed his life. I ruined him for anyone else. Sigh. I got over this guy four years ago. What the hell?!

He and I talk. We're trying to be friends. We haven't seen each other in about a year, but it's inevitable. He tells me that he's not expecting anything but friendship, but I know better. I've asked him on several occasions if there was anyone else he's thinking about. "Just you" is all he ever tells me. Fuck. 

He's going to want more a lot faster than me. A whole hell of a lot faster because I don't even know what I want. With him. I could be safe with him. I remember feeling so safe, so right with him. All I wanted was to be with him forever. It's amazing what four years will do, how it changes you. 

Then I think, if I have to think about it THIS much, and come up with no clear answer, maybe it's not meant to be. Maybe. Ugh, I think it's the damn holidays making me like this. I've never had someone around the holidays. Yeah, I was married for seven years, and would you believe it ... he was never there. Always, always, ALWAYS fucking working. I was there for him ... attended each and every damn Christmas party at his restaurant. Only cause it was a damn awesome riot! If anyone has ever been to a Haleiwa Joe's Christmas Party, you know what the hell I'm talking about. Can't help but smile about that. 

Anyway, I've always wanted to share my holiday traditions with someone I love, someone that loves me, too. I can't help but feel a little pang of jealousy when I see my younger cousins bringing their significant others around to our family gatherings. I want that for me. I've always wanted that. Shit, when I play Sims, I always make them family oriented. How sad is that? That I sometimes escape to a simulated world where my sim has everything she's ever wanted. Sigh. 

Well, it's getting late here. I'll wrap this post up, and get ready for bed ...

Right after I do a little writing. The creative juices are good for some gettin'!

Night, readers .... xoxo

Just when you think ....

Just when you think you've met a nice guy, wrong! Last night made me think about a little test I might start putting guys through if they want to date me.

True, I'm still on a dating hiatus, but last night I went to a movie with a new friend. Well, he's not so new since I met him over a year ago. We never had a chance to hang out, and after yesterday, I remember why.

I met this guy around the same time I was seeing Movie pants man. We emailed a bit, and for some reason I gave him my number. He found me on facebook (creepy), and we texted a little. That, I remember. 

So, a few nights ago, I get an email from this guy asking how I'm doing ... like he knows me. I went through his profile because I had no idea who it was, and after looking at some pictures, his face was familiar. I emailed back that I was doing fine. So, he answers and tells me that he was really into me before, but I had someone else. This was true, but I still didn't know what he was talking about. Then, he asks to hang out and see a movie. I thought, sure, sounds harmless. He let me pick the movie and it was gonna be his treat. Score! Just hanging out, no pressure. His words.

After that message, he asks for my number again which I'm not willing to give up, but low and behold, he finds my number in his contacts and CALLS me. WTF!? I didn't answer, so he texts. I text back, that I didn't know it was HIM calling. So, he calls AGAIN. I mean, really? Geezus. I answer, and he wants to just talk and talk. I tell him that I'm not an "on the phone" type of person, I text. He goes OH NOOOO! And makes a big stink about it, then tells me to talk on the phone because it's something different. Oh, please. So, I cut it short saying I have to get back to B, which I really did, and we say bye.

Throughout the rest of the day, he texts about the movie later, and calls a few more times. One time to ask if I want him to pick me up. I'm already wary about this guy, so I'm not stupid. I tell him that I'll meet him, then he hems and haws and wants to come get me, yet I say no thank you. So, the movie time nears, and he texts that he's almost to the theater. Dude, was on his way an hour before! I mean, come on! Could you be any more desperate?! So, fifteen minutes before start time, I leave the house and get there and greet him casually. It was the first face to face meet, and I'm completely on guard from the start. I'm friendly and chatty, and before the movie, we sit and talk a little. 

When the movie starts, it's quiet, but every now and then, he leans over and asks me more personal questions. It was almost the middle of the movie, and he stares at me for a while and then makes his move. Dude tried and tried to make out with me, and all the while, I'm getting more and more mad, trying to fend this creep off. Ruining the movie for me to boot!! I had to threaten to leave the theater for him to stop. By this time, I'm pissed, but calm down and enjoy the rest of the movie by myself in my own little bubble.

After it's over, we make small talk about how it was good, and hug good night. I thank him for the movie and coming out so late. We both head for our respective restrooms, and I come out first. I didn't see him anywhere so I figure he left. I leave for home, grateful that I don't have to deal with an awkward goodbye since I'll never see this guy again. But, I get home and look at my phone, he texted "where u go" ... I had to laugh. I apologize and say that I thought he left. 

Haven't heard from him since. And, I hope I never will.

That's it for thinking there's a good side to any of these guys that pursue me on that stupid dating site! It's entertaining and flattering, but if you want a second date with me, you gotta pass the Gentleman test! 

xoxo

Writing, writing and .... reading!

So, for this week's update, I'm happy to report that I have started on a new story for a new book. I've been brainstorming, character developing and writing. I've also started reading .... wait for it ....

FIFTY SHADES OF GREY. 

Ugh, yes. I finally gave in. Curiosity got the best of me, and so I started the first book in Fifty Shades trilogy. And, I have to say that I don't know what all the hype is about. I mean, yes it's a good, twisted story and she's a great writer, but it's no different than any other romantic, erotic novel. Personally, I find the writings of Annette Blair to be much more entertaining, and heart-warming. Same goes for Kristan Higgans. 

But, while I'm only on the first book in the trilogy, I am seeing many, MANY parallels to the hugely popular Twilight saga. I read somewhere that the goal of the author was to make the story a parallel to Twilight. She has succeeded so far .... the difference being that the characters are a little older, and there's sex. And, instead of vampires and werewolves, there are college graduates and extremely successful business philanthropists. Well, one extremely successful business philanthropist who is F*CKED up to the CORE! The lead, well, she is Bella ... older. Self-absorbed, naive, aloof AND stupid. So stupid. I find myself rolling my eyes at her constantly because of the horrible decisions she makes. 

Hang on! Before you Fifty Shades fans get all upset and blast back at me, let me say that I have committed myself to reading the whole trilogy. Once started, I must finish. I'm not saying that I don't like it, I do. She's a great writer and I'm enjoying her storytelling style. It's very similar to my own. And, it's actually a pretty fast read, so I hope I get the second and third books soon. Amazon is usually pretty good about that! I also hope that the story gets better with each book. I found that to be the very opposite of the Twilight saga. I read the first one so fast, and I was totally enthralled. And, then the second book came and went. The story got incredibly boring and I got a little irritated with the characters. The third book was a bit better, but the fourth .... forget it. The story just went waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay out there. I can't even finish it! It's been how many years now ....?? I couldn't even bring myself to watch the last installment of the movie saga. 

So, I didn't mean to spend this post talking about Fifty Shades of a F*cktard and Twi-what?? Bahahaha! But, that's what I've been reading and I just needed to spill about it a bit. 

Still nothing on the man-front. Thank goodness. 

xoxo

Making goals and keeping them

After thinking about it for a night, I think what I originally thought might be my first published book may not be after all. I have a whole lot of ideas for stories in my head swimming around, but there's one in particular that I think may get done and published faster. 

As far as goals, I'm taking about my writing. Today, I've been brainstorming this new story and reinstating my previous goals for writing. After making a list of old and new goals, it definitely looks doable. 

At first, I'll strive to publish a small novel that's around 300 pages. I've done my research, and that seems fair for a first time writer. So, as long as I reach my writing goals everyday, I should have a finished manuscript within a year. 

Here's the kicker: I can't think about it. Not too much, anyway. If I do, my fears could get the best of me, yet again, and I might stop the process all together. Again. I can't afford to fail now. It's time to kick my fear in the face and get it done. 

I know that this blog started as an aversion to a popular media site, but it's become a lot more than that. Whether I have readers or not, I'm going to keep posting. And, now that I have a renewed passion about my writing, to keep myself going, I'm going to talk about my progress here. If anyone wants to send words of encouragement my way, I welcome it.

So, readers if you're out there, thank you for your support. I look forward to writing more, and telling you guys about it ....

Til next time ... 

Back to it!

After a long break from working on my book, I opened it up today to see what I could get done. For some reason, I find that I work best when it's cold and rainy out. What would also help ... an actual writing environment aka, a desk and comfy-ass chair. I think I might be growing up ....

So, I've been thinking a lot lately. About where I'm taking this writing of mine. I want to take it somewhere, that's for damn sure. But, I need to commit. I need to stick to the goals I set for myself. It isn't an easy road to get published and sold, but it's what I want. And, I think that might have been hindering my creative process. Over-thinking the next step in the process. 

I know I'm a good writer, I've always been good at it without thinking about it. But, lately my priorities have been out of whack. Well, not lately, but within the last year, I've been sorting through the shit, and finding out what's really important to me as far as family and work. 

My Little B is my number one. Even more so than the love of a man. It would be nice to find my Mr. Right, but it's not my main concern anymore. Dating ... who needs it. Meeting new guys, who cares. I just want to be with my daughter, and I want to do what's best for her and myself. 

And, I want to write, and I want it to be a success. Not gonna lie, I want to do a lot with my writing. Not just my blog, my book ideas and stories, but, I want to someday do screenwriting for a movie or television. Even do back story for video games. That's how much I love to write. I know I have readers out there, but I don't know who's reading because no one likes to comment. Is this what it's like to just be another nobody with a blog? Am I just sending things into the void of this vastly amassed information super highway? Can't help but wonder ....

Anyway, enough about me. The writing is what's important. And, I'm definitely working on that. 

So, it's a new day and I look forward to getting more writing done!

Ta ....

Still too soon ....

As some of my readers know, I've been on a break from dating and meeting guys. Well, I broke that rule of late and I am so happy that I did. Not.

I started talking to this guy I met on that piece of shit dating site over a year ago. Nothing ever came of our chats, except that. Chats. Not until a few weeks ago. 

We start talking again, and he mentions how he'd still like to meet. I tell him that I've been through the ringer over the last year or so, and I wasn't up to it. He said he understood, but he still wanted to, and insisted that he was not an asswipe like all the rest. At least, of the guys that I've dated. 

I take a day or two to think about it (not much, mind you), but I decide to give it a shot. He seemed nice, genuine and he was pretty cute. Is pretty cute. Tall, handsome ... looks strong. But, that's beside the point. So, we meet up. But, before we do, we chat a little more for a couple weeks. Finally, he says that he has (last) Thursday off, and asked if we could meet. I suggest a morning coffee date at Starbucks. He agrees and seems very enthused about it. 

So, after dropping B off, I arrive at my local Starbucks just a little after 8 am. I get there, and the line was just ridiculously long. Both, drive thru AND inside. So, I check my phone to see if there's any messages from him. Sure enough, there was. He texted that he woke up late, but was going to hop in the shower and head over, pushing the time back to 8:45. I tell him that I was already there, but to take his time since the line was absurdly long. Plus, I wanted to eat my bagel and cream cheese in peace. 

After getting my pumpkin spice latte and bagel, I chose a small table near the back of the establishment, and ate. Took my sweet time and really enjoyed my plain, toasted bagel smothered in cream cheese. I've been craving it for weeks. After finishing it, I start sipping on my PSL since it's had a chance to cool down. As I was sipping, I notice the group of people sitting in the front on the comfy seats had gotten up, and left. So, I quickly gather my things and move to the front. Shortly after, he arrives. We recognize each other instantly, and I get up to greet him. 

He goes to get his drink, and I wait .... and people watch. After he returns, we get comfy and start talking. It's easy talking to him, I found, and we end up chatting for over an hour. He then walks me to my car, we hug and he tells me that he'll "buzz me in a little bit." 

So, we continue a little on text, and he says that he wants to hang out more. I think, great! Because I do too. I suggest dinner and a movie some time this weekend. 

But, before we make firm plans for this, he stops by my house to see me on Friday afternoon. It was a brief visit, and we both agreed it had been nice to see each other again. That night, he went to first Friday with his friends, and I stayed in with my B. 

Next day, we chat a little bit, and he says how his day would be better if he were with me. I think, how sweet, and then start trying to firm up plans for Sunday evening. But, this gets no response ... for a whole day. I don't hear from him again until after 7pm tonight. Hello, we were supposed to already be out on the date. But, it's ok because he says he isn't feeling so hot, and he didn't mean to disappear on me. YEAH RIGHT. 

The guy is obviously not as interested in me as he or I thought. So, I text him back that I get it. And, now I'm bummed because I started to think he actually wanted to date me. Big mistake. Probably won't ever hear from him again. Yeah ..... awesome. 

Another one bites the dust. 

Goodnight. And, Fuck YOU, Sasquatch (my loud-ass snoring neighbor)

Friday the 13th ....

No, I don't believe in that superstition, but something did happen to me this morning. I spontaneously decided to hang out with one of my guy friends in Kailua. We were supposed to do something earlier this week, but that didn't happen, so he suggested that he would be off today. I said no. But, this morning, I realized my whole morning was free, so I texted and he was game. 

I got ready around 10:30 this morning, and headed out. I hadn't even pulled out on to the highway yet when my car does a shake, like when you're in 3rd gear and you come to a stop without putting the clutch all the way in. Except, I was in neutral. Then, it dies. Great. To top that spectacular thing off, it was pouring out. I started getting flustered which raised my temperature as I tried over and over to get my car started. Hazard lights on, I waved cars on that were in the back of me. Thank goodness it was a Friday morning AFTER rush hour traffic! I had a few cars stop on the side and ask if I needed help, but this has happened to me before years ago with my second car. I kept turning the key, and held the gas pedal down for a while, put it in 1st, then it was off and then back in a big circle to my house.

After pulling into my driveway, I kept the engine on to let it run and see if it was going to die again. By this time, the rain had stopped, but it was still cool out. I contemplated taking a chance and going to meet my friend, but I really felt like the universe was telling me to stay home. 

Now, this guy is the one that irks me to no end ... most of the time. And, when I cancel plans, he makes it known that he's really disappointed. Well, I guess I can't blame him, but I cancel because of very good reasons. Once, B had a cold, so no meeting up. Another time, it got too late, and it was a school night. And, then today.

I'm actually glad I stayed home. Got to catch up on reading, and took a nice long nap before I had to pick up B from school. By then, Shiro (the car) was running just fine. B and I went out for a late lunch, then to Safeway to shop for snacks to provide after her soccer game tomorrow. I almost stopped at the mall, but I thought that might be pushin' it. 

So, now I sit here, on my bed just thinking. Thinking how I miss the company of a man, a partner, someone I can confide in, and just feel completely comfortable with. And, the more I think about it, the more bummed I get. At least, that's the case tonight. I'm happy that I have my little B, but I want someone to care for me, too. Tired of having a broken family. 

Probably doesn't help that I'm reading this trilogy that has to do with 3 sisters, who are triplets, that find their true love and the family love that they've always wanted. 

 

They're heartwarming stories, but they also make me want that family love that they seek, and find. Almost done with the third book, then it's back to GOT - Game of Thrones!

So, all in all, it wasn't such a bad day .... sort of melancholy, but it's okay. There's always tomorrow .... <3