It's calling me ...

Ever since I was a child, I always wondered what a "calling" would be like. I was brought up Catholic, went to Catholic school up until high school. And, all that time, the nuns and priests would talk about their calling, and how, when it's the right time, you will hear your calling. 

Throughout my life, I've tried different things, and thought I wanted to do this or that. I'm a legal clerk in the field of law, and have been doing this for over a decade. Yet, I don't feel any part of it "calling" me. I've been doing my job for so long, that it's second nature to me. But, I can't say that I love it, and that I want to always be here doing what I love. Because I don't love it. 

I love to write, that I know. And, I do that. This blog is the only thing I have published so far, but I'm working on other projects for future publishing. But, until I can make a comfortable life out of my writing which is my passion, there has to be another avenue of income to support the life I want for B and me.

So, I think I've heard my calling. Rather, I've been hearing my calling for the past several years. Ever since I lost my first child in 2005, I've felt very comfortable in hospitals. Though, I was the one being cared for, I started to grow an admiration for those caring for me. I considered nursing, but I know how grueling the work is and the scheduling is harsh. In the last few years, I've looked into other aspects of health care, and considered phlebotomy schooling, ultrasound technician, even medical transcription. 

It's years later, and the pang to try to get my foot in the door is rising again. I'm considering a course in medical assisting. I think that would be a good place to start. Though I have all this experience in Admin work, I don't think it'll be satisfying enough for me ... to just be handling paperwork with minimal patient contact.  Anyway, I think it's time I get serious and give it a shot before the pang kills me. 

Haha ... xoxo 

Finally Friday

It is finally Friday! I've got one more hour at the office, and then I'm off to start my busy night. Not going to First Friday like originally planned, but it's a full night nonetheless. 

Today, I had a spontaneous lunch date with one of my riding buddies at Little Village in Chinatown. The food was great, and apparently we were supposed to get together today because I learned that he is selling his full size bed w/bed frame AND 42" Lcd tv. What a coincidence as I am looking for BOTH! So, after dropping mom off at Blaisedell, I'll be going to his place to check out the goods. I'm hoping I'll like it because then, I can concentrate on other things. 

After doing that, I'll be heading to Kailua to get M, then over to the inlaws to get B. She wants to eat at Ruby's tonight, so we'll end up there. And, then home. I really hope it's an early night tonight. I am pooped already .... xoxo

Thought ....

I just glanced at my reflection in the small mirror I have at my desk, and I notice how tired my eyes look. 

Being concerned about my well-being has taken a lot out of me lately. I saw the pain/nerve specialist yesterday, and I'm very glad to be having this study of the nerves in my feet/legs and hands/arms done. It's comforting to get a professionals opinion as well as treatment options. 

But, lately, I've been frustrated. Crying a lot. Hence, the tired eyes. I know it sounds lame, and I should just suck it up. Most days, I do. I'm here at work today, sucking it up. I'm in pain, but I'm here. All I want to know is what this condition is and if it's treatable, if not curable. 

Speculation of what it could be continues to make me a little crazy and worry like there's no tomorrow. But, I have to keep sane. Still, it's hard for my mind not to go there. 

Time to leave for my second appointment with the pain/nerve specialist ... xoxo

Scared

So, I got the call back from the nerve specialist, and I have to say that I am so scared. They're going to be conducting nerve testing on my feet and hands. Using a machine, needles and whatever else to see what kind of responses my nerves give. 

I am literally freaking out at the moment. I hate needles, but even more so, I can't fathom them sticking needles along the nerve! Ahhh ... omg! I want to scream! 

But, I need this. For what is going on with the nerves in my body, I need this. I need to know what is happening to me. And, I need them to fix it. Fix me because I can't go on like this anymore. You want to know what's uncomfortable? Try experiencing what I'm currently living with at the moment. It is not fun. Wish I didn't have to wear clothes cause EVERYTHING hurts my skin.

Yup. It sucks. Sigh. 

Let the healing begin ...

Along with some other things in my life, the healing process for my heart is well on its way. I'm feeling better about the whole thing. And, listening to much happier, up-beat music. The past week was meant for mourning away the possibilities of a relationship I thought was real. And, I did just that. I mourned. 

Today starts a new week. New possibilities, and new things to come. Still off dating as the thought still makes me sick. But, I'm concentrating on other aspects. For one, my health. I've almost got that all in order. I'm perfectly healthy, except for the diabetes which I have under well-regulated control now. Just one more thing to check out, and I'm currently waiting for a call back from a nerve specialist. Hoping it's something temporary, and not serious. 

On the work front, trying to keep focused on my various projects and complete some day by day. Also, looking into other avenues for work from home. Must try to make some extra money to accommodate my little B and me. I need to get her signed up for some summer programs, and mommy really wants a new tablet! 

But, before I woke out of my funk from last week, I had many offers to go out this past weekend. And, I thank all my friends for their efforts in helping me feel better. Friday night, I was able to unwind from an emotionally taxing week with a nice glass of wine, good food and good company. That was all I needed since I stayed home the rest of the weekend. So, now that the weekend has passed, I'm thinking about the next girls night out. May First Friday, it will be. And, it will be epic!

Now, back to work. My day is half over, and I'm looking forward to going home!

Cliches and lies?

I've been wondering about one thing he said the very last time we talked. Wondering if he was just trying to let me down easy, lying or if he really meant it ....

He said that maybe some time down the road, we could try again. 

Does that sound like a "get out of jail free" card? At the time, I didn't really think anything of it. He sounded so convincing ... like it might be a possibility. But, if he lost total interest, why would he say something like that? I did tell him that if there was someone else, he could tell me. I'd rather be hurt by the truth, then comforted by a lie. You know? He said that wasn't the case ... and I believe him. 

I want to bring it up, but I don't know how to ask him without sounding like a total obsessed loser. So, I figure that I'll just leave it be. If we're meant to come back together later down the road, it will happen. No point in forcing something to work when it's not on both our parts. 

Still ... I feel so alone and abandoned. I don't understand how he could just cut me out of his everyday life. Not if he still cares the way he says he did. I feel like a ghost. Like, I'm here but left to wander aimlessly without his love. That's another thing. That four letter word wasn't ever tossed around, thank goodness. I felt it, though. 

So, today makes a week since it was over. I don't know what the weekend will bring, but I am glad that work will be finished soon. Nothing worse than being completely distracted while trying to do work. And, do it well. Looking forward to a nice drink after work. Mos Def. 

Set adrift ...

On memories bliss? No, nothing blissful about being adrift at the moment. This exhausting haze has taken over my days, and it leaves very little energy for anything else. Tears of unending sadness fueled by constant thought of what went wrong is all I can manage now. 

I don't want to be like this, but it's the grieving process. It's healthy. At least, that's what I'm telling myself. 

You might be thinking that I should just get over it and move on. It was only 2 months, right? Right. But, somehow, this time it's different. I wasn't the one leaving the relationship. I wasn't the one who had become suddenly unhappy with the circumstances. I didn't do the leaving. He did. After I thought his intentions were true. He left me empty ... and broken. 

I give up. There aren't any true, real, good guys left. Because even the best of them leave. Whether you want them to or not. And, no amount of attention from the opposite sex can help me shake this. I don't want it. I just want him. And, he's switched off. Checked out and gone on his merry way. Lucky him. Wish I could get over this as easily as he has. 

But, he hasn't. I know I'm still on his mind. Not a word do I hear from him, but I know. It doesn't mean anything, just that thoughts of us might still be lingering. They won't for long. They won't for long .....