Listen to your heart. Before ...

Care to finish that line, anyone? I really don't. Especially since I've made up my mind. And, it's onward I go.

If I listened to my heart every time I fell for a guy, I'd be a miserable pile of messy, tangled hair (cause my hair is long) just hoping, waiting, wanting him to turn back my way, and come back for me. But, we all know that it doesn't work like that. At least, not when we want it to.

For me, I see change years after a guy has left me behind. Not with all of them (thank god), but with some ... and it seems more often than not. And, when it happens, I always question "why?" What has happened in the past few years to make them realize that it's me they want?

I still don't have the answer, even though they always tell me it's because we had so many good times together. And, that I'm still so beautiful. Gee, thanks for noticing, guys. Too bad you didn't appreciate it when ya had me. But, it still doesn't make for a real, true answer. And, not one of them can really show me why. That's mostly my fault though. It's hard to give a guy a chance when you don't feel that way anymore. It really is. Another thing is, I used to be famous for giving just about any guy a chance. Even if I wasn't instantly attracted, I was open to the possibility. What I've found in being so open to a relationship with just anyone is that it will eventually fizzle. And, I'm always to blame for that. I have to be physically attracted almost right off the bat. Seems shallow, but it's the damn truth. It doesn't go very far if I'm not. And, if I start seeing a guy that's LEAVING the island, forget it. There can't be anything real with someone like that. SM excluded cause he WAS living here for 5 years before he left. And, we were good friends first. We still are. Even though he sort of cracked me (didn't break me, cause if he did, I'd still be whining about it), it didn't take very long to get over it, and go back to being friends. It also helped that H was there to swoop me off my feet. And, I think that's all he was meant to do.   

Kinda sad, though because for those who don't know me, I'm not the type of girl to linger in the moment. Not for long, that is. I've dated a few guys who made it clear that all they wanted was the attention. Even after they clearly didn't want to be with me, they still wanted me to chase them. Oh HELL NO. What's the fucking point?? To encourage your big fat man ego? No ... I don't think so, buddy. Go get your damn thrills from some other girl. It ain't me. 

And, I'm not pointing that at anyone directly. It's just been my experience whilst dating among the masses. Yep, you guys that I've dated and read this, you are just another guy among the mass that I've had to fight through to get to where I am. 

So, where am I? I'm in a place of change. Transition. I've been stewing, growing, biding my time in my cocoon for far too long. It's time this butterfly bursts forth and explore the furthest reaches of it's new found freedom. I haven't felt this good in a very long time. 

Yes, my dearies. I am going to listen to my heart now. It's telling me that I have a lot of good things coming. And, I know it's right.

xoxo

Backslide ....

Gonna do a little backslide right now ...

In regards to my last post .... I may have been a little hasty. Sometimes, that happens when I blog as something frustrating is happening. Also known as "word vomit."

Going forward, I don't want to linger on H ... At least posting about him will probably stop. We talked this weekend ... Really good talk. I finally know where each of us stands, and I am more than good with it. He, like me, is not looking for anything as far as relationships. I know, it makes for some entertainment when I am pursuing something with a guy, but like I said before. I am tired of the chase, getting my hopes up, and just all of it. Socially, I've started to close off .... Almost completely. I'm still on my hiatus from fb and ig, though I have been a little more active on fb this past weekend. The only thing that i'm really taking a break from there is looking at my newsfeed and notifications. I still don't want to see any of H's activity. We still talk everyday, and I prefer that contact with him anyway. It's the preferred method of "social" connectivity that I prefer now with just about anyone. Facebook is just too much of a media giant for me .... At least for the moment. 

I'm at a point in my life where I just want to connect with and be with those real people that matter to me, and who I matter to. I'm so sick of all the fake, asshat bull-shitters, and I just want to be rid of them. It's time for a cleanse .... A purge. So picky now about who I see and hang around with. It's sort of nice, and freeing, though. 

As far as H and I go, pursing anything more has reached a halt. It's okay. I still like him a lot, but he's going through a process that really only he can do. I would like to be around, but I have to deal with the fact that he might just end up forgetting me in the process. So, for now, we're friends. We're clanmates, and that's good enough for me.

xoxo

Kicked to the curb ...

Not literally, but it feels like it. Feeling pissed off at the moment. So, I'm writing.

Earlier today, I took a peek at facebook, and saw one of my friends was going riding this afternoon. I had just seen H a few days ago and he mentioned that we'd start riding again. Awesome. He's getting his riding mojo back. 

Seems I jumped the gun on it, though. I was hoping that H would see the post and want to go, too. Well, he did want to. Just not with me. Burn. 

So, when he said he just wanted to be alone today, it really hit me that he's way too emo for me. I had hoped that we could stay in touch for a while. I didn't want to lose the chance of riding together. But, he mentioned the other night that he's just too dangerous to ride with. So, I asked if we'd stop riding together. He said we'd still ride, and then the convo turned to how he started riding with me, and then how it got more fast and dangerous. Even with me on the back.

I'm thinking he just told me that as a way to pacify me. To keep me around. Well, buddy ... I'm on to you. I have no room in my life for talkers with little to no action. In the beginning, this guy was ALL about the action. And now, I'm nothing more than a little gray bubble in his text messages. Sad. 

Just makes me think ... about the time I'm quite possibly wasting on another wounded bird that may or may not heed any of my advice. Or, might just put me down to never pick me up again. It's probably best that I just forget all this happened. I think he'd be fine if we just went our separate ways. I'm not as special as he made it seem when we first met, so why hesitate, right?

I need a riding teacher. That's why. He may not want to ride with me anymore, but I don't have anyone else to teach me. He's offered, he's got a bike to do it with, too. Technically, it's not his bike, but it's still a small one that's perfect for me to start learning on. 

I wrote a not so nice letter to this guy. Kept it in my phone. Can't send it. Not yet, anyway. 

Just had a thought that made me smile. One of my massage therapists had been reading my blog yesterday in between seeing patients. She got hooked after reading the first post. And, she tells me "Wow. You don't hold back when you write! I wanna read some more." Really feels good to hear feedback like that. And, no I don't hold back. As my readers know, I am very candid and blunt in my writing. I'm the exact same way in person. It's sort of a gift and a curse. 

But, back to the current ramblings of my mind, I'm exhausted and I don't want to think about this anymore. Not worth it. Not even close. 

Looks like another lonely Saturday night. Awesome.

xoxo 

Bring on the benefits

I started this post about a week ago. Worked on it throughout the week ... 
_____________________________________

From that title, I know what you're thinking. And, you're not wrong. You are not wrong. 

Things have been clarified and put into perspective. I'm talking about with this last guy I was dating. Let's call him H. 

I gave him an initial because I'm still posting about happenings with him ... and, it's much easier than "the last guy I was dating."

So, H and I have been texting over the last few days. Between all his issues and all my stuff, we've decided to stay in touch. It's clear that we're still very attracted to each other, which is good. Though, I don't want to do anything to interfere with his healing process, I like that he's still around, and that we can still flirt. 

Last night, I saw him for the first time in a few weeks. He actually came out of his hole (his studio) and interacted with the world. It was nice to see him, and to just hang with him again. 

A bunch of my clanmates (yes, clash of clans) got together for the Lunar New Year at a softball park in Hawaii Kai. As their leader, my presence was requested by some of them since they hadn't met me yet. So, I decided to go and I brought B with me. Earlier that afternoon, I texted H to let him know what was going on since he is also in my clan. I was expecting a flat out "No" on his part since he had been a hermit for the last few weeks. But, throughout the day, we were chatting here and there about the events for the night. He mentioned a few times that he'll probably stop by the park while he's out. But, I didn't get my hopes up.

That evening, H decided to go on a crazy solo ride to relieve his restlessness, and ended up meeting a group that does regular Thursday night rides. During all that, B and I had met up with the group in HK, and were having a good time chatting, clashing and eating/drinking. There were intermittent texts between H and I, but I really didn't think he was gonna make it there since it was already after 10, and I was getting ready to leave to take B home. So, I was surprised when I heard the roar of a bike in the distance while chatting with a friend. I looked up, and then checked my phone. Sure enough, there was a message from H saying he was on his way. Well, shit. He was gonna make it! Next thing I see his one headlight coming up the drive. 

Few moments later, there he was. And, I was happy to see him. Shortly after he arrived, it started to rain, and the park was closing. We headed over to one of the guys' house nearby and cruised for a while. It was really nice hanging with some of my friends and clanmates since I had not done that in such a long time. 

Moments. That's  really all we have ... these short bursts of good times that make lasting memories for ages to come. 

A moment. That's all it was. Who knows if we'll ever get that again.

xoxo

First Hiatus of 2015

Yup, I'm on another hiatus. This time from both Facebook AND Instagram. I can't express how much of a doozy this last guy was. He lives on social media. Made me wanna delete both my accounts. Ugh. 

That's one thing that is a complete turn off for me. I mean, I don't mind here and there, posting, or a chat. But, the phone never left his sight. Even when he went to the restroom, he took the phone with him ... no matter where we were. It got to be kind of annoying. I mean, my phone pretty much lives in my hands, too. But, when I'm out with someone, especially on a date, the phone never sees the outside of my bag. 

So, with this guy, since he always had his phone out, mine sort of just stayed out as well. He posted a lot on fb, and some on instagram, too. 

Another thing that irritates the fuck outta me, too is when you're texting with a friend, or a guy you're seeing, and they send you a photo. Whether it's of them or something they want  you to see. And, then BAM, it's up there on your newsfeed. It's like, are you fucking kidding me? Am I not special to you AT ALL? Nope, guess not. Especially the selfies. Dude claimed to never and not even liking to take selfies. He'd send me selfies and then I'd see them on instagram immediately after. Oh man. Who is this guy? He's a mess, that's who he is. Told me himself. Ugh.

I know it just comes with the territory now days, being that technology is everywhere and it's right there at our finger tips. But, holy balls, man. Put the phone away and fucking trust me. I'm not one of those crazy psycho bitches that are gonna try to go through your phone when you leave the table. Really, I'm not. 

But, it seems that social media just makes us all a little too crazy. Seeing things you want to on a minute to minute basis, and seeing things you don't want to. That's mainly why I'm taking another hiatus. This one is indefinite. The reason being ... I don't want to see anything this guy in particular is tagged in, commenting on, pictures he posts, nothing. Because of his knowledge on a bike, he's a huge deal in the motorcycle community down here, and the attention he gets is quite overwhelming for the girl he's with. Now, we aren't dating anymore, but that's still fresh for me. So, I really don't want to see anything on social media with or relating to him. 

And, I am finding it quite refreshing to be "disconnected." Not knowing every single move all the people on my newsfeed is making right fricken now, is a breath of fresh air. All the complaining, drama kings and queens, events that I don't care about, especially all the attention the guy gets from all kinds of people, especially ex's ... all of it. So nice. 

I guess I'm just over it all. It's too overwhelming at the moment ... trying to keep up with everything going on via facebook. I need a break to concentrate on the really good stuff happening for me. And, they are. It's all very exciting! 

Good night, readers! 

xoxo   

Continued from last night ...

So, this post is a continuation from my last one. Yep, the one about New M. I'll have to admit that these guys are keeping it interesting. Never a dull moment, I swear. 

About a month ago, I get a friend request on facebook from New M. He and I hadn't been friends or in contact for about two or so years. This came as a surprise. I had no clue what he could want, except for trying to be friends after getting sober and to sort of make up for all the times that he wasn't. I thought it was fine, so I approved his request, and we started chatting here and there. 

At the time, I had been dating someone, so our talks were nothing more than 'hey how are you?' and  just joking around. Though, I did notice that almost every time there was an exchange between us, he would make mention of the past ... when we used to hang out. He mentioned once that he didn't know why we stopped seeing each other. Well, there's the drinking for you ... it's a real thing. 

So, I told him that we stopped seeing each other because he told me that he met someone. Kinda funny not to remember something like that, right? And, another time, he mentioned how he always thought I was such a good mom, and that he loved my little cutie pie. He's got his own little cutie pie who is younger, and was the core of his issues while he lived here. Just made him crazy to be so far away from her. That, I can totally understand. But, the drinking so excessively, I could not. 

He even started to flirt with me, saying things like he still thinks I'm beautiful, and asked me for a recent picture. In my head, I was like whaaaaat?! But, I sent him one anyway. 

After that, conversations were sparse ... every few days. Nothing too long, always short. Until a few nights ago. He tells me that he's been thinking about me a lot, and even moving back here for a while. That took me by surprise because while he was here, he hated it. He also said that he keeps thinking about how it would be since he's sober now. How what would be?? His reply, you and me.

Now, this was pretty late one night, and I was having a hard time comprehending what he was saying. I had just settled something with the other guy THAT day, and I'm still not completely over it. How can I just jump to something else? New M is talking some serious shit, and I am more than flabbergasted. It's very flattering to say the least, but how can this work? I was just in a long distance relationship that didn't work out. So, why the hell would I want to get right back into another one?? 

I ask myself these questions the next day since I fell asleep on our convo the night before. It was on my mind intermittently throughout the day, so I decided to get some help from one of my good girl friends. She's the best and helped me put it in perspective. 

Not saying that I'm actually considering this, but he's still on about it today. He really wants to give us a real chance. I'm still having a hard time believing this, but that's probably because so much time has passed. And, I can't get it through my head that he still wants something with me. Something serious, too. His words. I mean, wow. To me, this is crazy. There's only one guy I've ever considered off and on throughout the last few years. But, other than him, I haven't even given the guys I've dated in my past a second thought. Is that terrible, or what?? 

It's also bad timing since there's the guy that I was just dating. I had got into him pretty good. He's amazing and we connect on so many levels, but the issues are just too heavy. It really sucks because I like him. Still. 

So, I've tried to steer clear of the whole "lets give it a shot" convo today with New M. Let's hope this one goes away. All by itself. Sigh.

xoxo     

I think I've got it!

I know what it is now. I've figured it out! My frustrations gone ... at least, they are for now, or will be when I'm done with this post. In many of my previous posts, I've dealt with guys who come on so strong in the beginning only to fizzle out a few weeks in, and I can't help but wonder why. 

Because, it's happened again. Why do guys feel so strongly in the beginning and chase you down to make you theirs? It's got to be the thrill of the chase ... it just has to be. You aren't theirs yet, so they do everything they can to impress you, to get you to turn your head their way and see them differently than any other guy around you. The chase, while I'll admit is fun, can only end in heart ache for one of the two parties. 

This case, it was me, yet again. The guy chased me down. Hard. I almost feel bamboozled by his charm and intensity of the chase. On top of it, he has an accent. Ever so sexy. Hot, really hot and he knows it, but plays it off like he doesn't like the attention ... at least, not from other girls. I was the exception. 

Don't get me wrong, he is a great guy, and we're still friends. And, most importantly, still riding buddies. Though, we haven't gone on a ride in over a week due to some other issues. He's got some major issues. But, then we all have some kind of issue or something, right? 

So, back to the story ... first few weeks were intense. Going out a lot, and spending a lot of time riding and just hanging out together. A whole lot of late nights, and I tell you, my sleeping schedule was really starting to suffer. But, I did it anyway because I really enjoyed being with him. I thought he did, too. At least he told me he did. I believed him, cause for some reason I can be a gullible sap at times. Sweet talk works on me too well. I need to debunk that shit. Anyway, he made me feel like he really wanted me, and for more than just a hang out and fun time girl. He was open about all the girlie drama in his life, and I was fine to listen to him vent, and interject my advice or opinion where I could. 

Maybe it's his nature, or the fact that he's just no good at dating, but despite those things, he made me feel something. Not that I wanted more, not right now anyway. In the future, sure. I thought the possibility was there. Though, I had my guard up the whole time. I had to. It went from a year of a long distance relationship with someone I knew for so long, to dating a new guy in a matter of days. I didn't know what the hell I wanted from it all. Just the fun of being with someone new thrilled me, and the fact that he showed so much interest was a nice change of pace. 

Yes, I thought it could have turned into something real down the road, but then, the issues start to show his real side. It turned ugly fast. Personality shift was just more than I could deal with. And, I have to admit that I feel like a fool. 

Once again, I met the same kind of guy. One who pretended to be something he wasn't just to get my attention, only to find out that he can't handle being with me. Whether he could control it or not, he let his issues get the best of him. I would like to see him get better, and I've asked him not to push me away since I went through something similar a few years ago while dealing with my divorce and all the issues at the time. Some things just can't be helped, you have no control. Especially when you don't give yourself the time you need to heal. But, I learned that once you decide, once you make up your mind to move on, the issues disappear. I can tell him that til I'm blue in the face, but it won't make a difference until he's ready to move past it. All I can do is be a friend that's there for ... whatever. It would have been nice to have one of me when I was going through all my shit years ago.  

It's just frustrating. It's not like I do things to these guys to make them so afraid to continue dating me. With me, there are no mind games, no drama. I'm straight forward with my intentions. Reminds me of this meme I came across the other day. It went something like ... "men tend to overestimate women's interest in them, and women tend to underestimate men's interest." I had to agree with it because that's just been my experience while dating. And, it really does boggle my mind because they all tell me how awesome, and hot I am, making me think they're so interested, but it gets old. I've heard it so many times before that I can see the warning signs sooner and sooner. Most times, I'm the one that starts to pull away, because I DON'T WANT TO GET HURT AGAIN. That's the main reason right there. I'm so afraid of getting hurt that I've come to almost EXPECT that the next guy will fizzle before we even get the chance to really be together. It's just no fun. It's not cool and I've had it. 

So, this time, I've decided that I am done pursuing anything with anyone....

And, I have never had so much attention from the opposite sex. Do I give off some kind of scent or something? This is the second time in a month where I've literally just gotten out of "something" with a guy, and another one jumps up for the challenge. THREE to be specific. What is up with that?? 

You guys is gonna laugh when you hear who this next guy is. From my past, yes ... New M. Remember him? Dude that was drunk ALL THE TIME?? Well, he's been sober over a year now, and contacted me via facebook about a month ago. I was surprised since I thought I'd never see or talk to him again since he moved back to Texas. 

But, this post is getting out of hand, and I need to leave the office. Will definitely continue this when I get home tonight. It's a doozy of a story!

xoxo