I. Miss. You.

Something has been on my mind lately, and I've been missing him so much. I dare not say who; but, I'm pretty transparent that way. 

I'm broken.

And, I don't know if I'll ever be fixed again. I'm not writing this to get anyone's pitty. Just need to vent how I feel at the moment. It's been bugging me, and it's culminated to this post. It won't be a long one, I promise since it's after 1 a.m. 

Just that he's been on my mind so much. After it ended, I didn't give myself the proper grieving time. I jumped to seeing another guy. Then, when that didn't work out, I jumped to another. After the last one, I realized that I can't pull myself into someone else and all their baggage. I don't want to. Why would anyone want to be so vulnerable when there are so many other avenues in life that can make you feel so alive? 

He was it for me. He was the one. And, he's been gone for over 9 months now. We're still friends, but not like before. He didn't love me the way I loved him. It's sad, like I was in a fairy tale wonderland thinking all he wanted was me, too. 

I'm broken. And, I don't think I'll ever be fixed. 

xoxo

Today's chatty Cathy ...

So, I've been chatting a little with an older guy today. He says he's wanting a friend. 

Well, that's great to me. If only he really means it. And, on that note, do you, guys? When you say that you're only looking for a friend, do you really mean it? I only ask because of all the guys I've had a chat with on this site, none of them know what they're looking for. Most of them don't even know what they put in their profiles. It's always surprising to them when I reiterate what they've posted in the "what am I here for" line. "What? I don't want to date!" Oh really, mister? That's what it says in your profile. 

I mean, c'mon guys. Do you really think we're that stupid? What makes you think the girl wants to chase your sorry ass down? If you make a girl chase you, that's just one of the lowest things you can do. But, if she does chase you, well ... she's the one with issues. At least, that's my opinion. 

You all know I don't chase guys. It's humiliating, degrading, and down right trashy. If he doesn't want to be with you, and makes you play these games to win HIS affections, he is not worth it. Oh, trust me. The really young guy I talked about in my previous post, dude is ALL about the "catch me if you can" games. I don't know what makes him think I'm so desperate to be in touch. I don't even play. He'll go days at a time without communicating, and then he's chatty again. He leaves me hanging usually before he goes awol for a few days. Am I supposed to text him? I really don't care what society's protocols for these things are now days, so if I am supposed to text, sorry dude. I don't play games. Over that shit, so I wish he would go find some young twenty-something's mind to play games with. 

And, on a happier note, I just realized that I am the only one in my family who is unattached. The baby of us cousins on my mom's side just revealed she is in a relationship. And, now I'm the only single in the family, that is, who isn't a baby or a child. So, this holiday season, I will be the only one without a partner as we gather to celebrate my most favorite time of year. Me, the one who always wanted to share in that special time with someone who meant more than just hanging out to me. It's sad, yes, but it is my choice to be single. So, I can't complain much, now can I? Just some hard hitting truths rear their ugly heads, and I simply can't ignore it. I wish I could. I've officially become the black sheep spinster of my family. Awesome. 

xoxo

Who do you badoo??

I don't know who's heard of this chat/dating site, but I joined badoo one late night a few weeks ago. Why? I was bored and wanted to chat with someone, anyone. I didn't care who. Scratch that, I wanted to chat with some cute guy ... guys, who were bored, too. 

So, I made a profile, put some pics up, and BOOM! Messages started rolling in. At first, no one attractiive, but I replied anyway. A few from the islands, and some from the mainland. Most looking for something more than just friends, but nothing serious. I, on the other hand, just looking to chat out of boredom. It can be fun sometimes. 

Anyway, out of all the messages I've got in the past few weeks, there are only a few that I talk to on a regular basis. One guy is a Starbucks fiend like me, and he always asks if I got my tea for the morning ... that is, when I hear from him. Another guy is married, shy, but has told me that he wants to cheat on his wife and he wants to do that with me. He's pretty cute, young, but, I told him that I won't do that. He needs to sort things out with his marriage before I consider even meeting him. Then, there's the really young guy. He's 29, but acts like he's 22. You know you're immature when you feel the need to always point out how mature you are, and that you're almost 30. That makes no difference to me. I still see you as a child, so move on, BOY! Haha ....

Then there's the guys who are looking for "the one" to get married and have a happily ever after life. I mean, really? Nothing like finding out these guys are from somewhere other than the U.S. that makes the red flags fly. Oh, they live in the states, but it's a bit suspicious when they come on uber strong with the "I want to get to know you, and come visit" statements right out of the gate. Some guys think women are really stupid. I mean, they must if they come at you with marriage on the brain, right? Hello, can we say GREEN CARD. Marry them, and then they're citizens who can up and leave you for someone they REALLY want. 

Don't get me wrong, it's flattering, and a girl can like the attention sometimes, right? Nothing wrong with that. Not hurting anyone over here. Just having a good, chill time. I scare most of them away, anyhow. When they find out that all I want to do is make new friends online, they seem bummed that I don't want more. Oh well. I still have a good time on it. 

And, that's gonna do it for me today. I'm done. Need to spend my time doing something else now. 

xoxo

What's next?

So, I'm still on the hunt for a full time job. Well, not really. I've been taking my time, and enjoying my time off. It's been so nice, but it's about time I start making real money again. 

I have a plan, although I'm the only one that knows it, it's hard to execute when people around me think I'm doing nothing. I'm private that way, but others don't see it like that. It gets to be kind of irritating, but I'm trying to not let it shake me. 

All this time, I've been looking for work that I can do with the experience I have. Admin ... clerical ... bull shit. I don't love it, and I never will. I can do it, but it's just a waste. We all know I want to write and get paid for it. So, as I work toward that, I'm going to look for a second part time job. One that gives me more hours than my current one, of course. If I can get enough hours to qualify for benefits, great! If not, then I'll sign up for quest! I hear it's pretty good and it's very cheap. 

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September 9, 2009 - Wednesday

So, today I've been busy. B had a half day of school today, so after picking her up, we went on some errands and had lunch at the Gazebo Cafe in Macy's. I was on a mission to make my own portable A/C for my room. It's the hottest room in the house, so I looked on YouTube to see what I might do to cool us down. I found something inexpensive and easy to do. Rigged up a styrofoam cooler with a fan, 2 dryer vents and some frozen water bottles. The fan is kinda weak, so I'll have to return the one I got for something stronger. But, my room is cooling off as I type. Hoping it will be comfortable enough by the evening. It's already 2 or so degrees cooler than it was when we came home. 

In other news, it's SO hot. Oh wait, you all know that already. HAH!

But, really, in other news, my mind has been wandering to Colorado a lot lately.  Mostly because they have much cooler weather there, and no humidity. And, I was supposed to be living there by now. Part of me wishes I just went ahead and moved, even though SM and I broke up. But, for a long time, I didn't want to think of him. Just disgusted with myself and him, and the way it was handled. So, that made me halt all plans to move there. I kinda wish I didn't let it get to me. I really love that place. All that open space, the cooler weather, cheaper living. I think I would have done it if I knew summer was going to be this unbearable here at home. 

It hasn't ever been this bad with the heat and humidity. At least, not that I can remember. Anyway, SM has been on my mind lately, the other part of the reason my mind has been wandering to Colorado. I miss the friends we used to be, and I miss him, too. We've been chatting a bit more than usual of late, and it's been nice. But, that's all I'm gonna say about that. 

I want to write more, but it's been a few weeks since my last post, so I need to go back and read some of what I've caught you guys up on. I'll be back ...

xoxo

Long overdue

Hey readers! I'm back, and it's been much too long since my last post. Four months has come and gone. So much has been going on, and I must catch you  up! It's gonna be a long one. 

First of all, I left my job that I had started this March. I left in July, and I am so glad that I did. At first, it was going well, I liked the office, the people I worked with ..... but, the work. Eh, not so much. While I realized that this office was always very busy with a never ending high volume of work, it didn't start getting to me until a few months in. For one thing, I never knew if we'd get paid on pay days. The manager let things like paying her employees slip her mind all the time. She even tried to short change me by a week after I came back from my vacation in June. I had already been back for a month when she tried to give me half of what I earned. Like, WOT?! Not only that, but I was expected to do work on my own time outside the office with my own equipment and not get paid for it. She said "anything you need to do to keep up during the work day." I mean, WOW. Does this sound good to anyone? 

Then, I thought about it, and it hit me that the rest of the office people were complete and total workaholics. I did not fit in with these people. They are passionate and LOVE what they do there. I am not a workaholic, especially not for a place that works you to the bone. Oh, and then tells you that you CAN'T take any time off to do anything with your kid. They appear to be family oriented, but are not at all. Even though the manager, who is married to the founding attorney, has a 4 year old son and takes off all the time to do things with his school to appear like the best mom in the world. What a piece of rubbish. 

So, after that fun conversation, I really started to think.  

I finally came to the realization that I didn't want to waste anymore time doing something that I don't love. My plan was to stay there until I was able to obtain a meaningful position to me doing work that I not only like, but love. This place was NOT it. And, I suppose performance in my work went downhill because of it. She noticed and we had another talk. She asked if I really wanted to be there, and I said no. I couldn't lie. So, I resigned. And, I think I may have lost a friend because of it. The one that got me the position there. I had no intention of leaving as soon as I did, but when you're as unhappy as I was, there was just no making it better by being somewhere you hate. 

And, that brings me to my current state of things ... job hunting again. This time, I'm making it count. No more filler positions. I'm gonna take my time to find something I love, something I'm good at. But, at the same time, I'm scared because that something could take me away from Hawaii. Though I was ready to move for a different reason, it's different this time. Not quite ready to make that jump .... yet. 

In other news, back in April, I had started seeing someone long distance. Someone from my past .... New M. I talked a little about how he contacted me earlier in the year, and, through our chats, he convinced me to give him another chance. Long distance. That should have been the first red flag. 

I tried. I did. But, he made it impossible to reciprocate his feelings. Smothered me with the pressure of being his whole world, and his happiness. Expressing how he was going to move back to Hawaii for me, and then the pressure of eventually moving to Texas, getting married and combining our families. It was all too much for me. After the first 2 months (my relationship expiration), I had to call it quits. After I came back from my trip in June, it was like all my priorities shifted. I no longer wanted the things that I wanted in my previous relationship with SM. I didn't want to be with a guy in a relationship. The thought weighed me down every time I'd think about it. The only things that mattered, that stuck out, was being able to obtain my dream job doing something in writing, and my daughter. She is and will always come first, and I cherish every moment with her. At least, trying to before she evolves into a preteen. 

Now, I've been single for about 2 months. And, I am loving it. The urge to have a man be at my side has subsided after all these years. I'm pretty sure it's gone forever. 

I might be chastised for saying that, but, whatever. 

I'll end it here. Already too long, I know. So, thanks for sticking it out and reading til the end! 

xoxo

The Next Day ....

The next day after a night of partying is usually ... how can I say? Touchy? Delicate? Rough??

Yes, we partied last night. And, pretty hard. It was a fun night with coworkers and friends ... a First Friday. Haven't been to one of those in years. I guess, by a hardcore party-er's standards, we were pretty mellow. At least, I was. I did get drunk, but it wasn't anything I couldn't handle. A few of my friends on the other hand ... well, they were visibly impaired. It was great.

It was kind of a last minute decision to go out after work, and I live on the windward side, so I didn't have a chance to go home and change for "going out" like everyone else. Well, mostly everyone else. It's ok, though. I still looked good from going straight after work. 

I hadn't planned on staying out long ... I was in it for one or two drinks, some food and fun. But, as the drinks came, and the atmosphere soaked in, I couldn't help but dive in. It was so nice being out with people I like. 
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I started this post last Saturday. Didn't get to finish and a whole week has wooshed by! I was kind of looking forward to going out tonight, but I'm still pretty tired from the craziness of the week, so a night in with B will be amazing.

There are some other things that I can think of that would be so amazing to do tonight, too. Unfortunately they involve someone who is miles and miles away. Oh, and plus an ocean. Damn. 

xoxo

Invading your thoughts ....

What's invading my thoughts?

Work.

Yes, work. I've been at my new office going on four weeks now. I pretty much dove straight in when I started here, and I know that was expected of me since I can do the basics in my sleep. 

This field of law is different, though. I dabbled in it a few years ago, but this firm is strictly EP, Probate and Conservatorships. Diving in, head first has been the best thing. I'm learning so much, and enjoying it. It also helps that my coworkers are so easy to work with, and we all get along. 

But, now that I've been here and few weeks, and more and more has been put on my plate, work thoughts are starting to invade my home life. 

This past Friday night, I was in the shower with no particular thought in my head until ... I remembered that I was in the middle of an email to an attorney when we broke for pau hana. Mindlessly, I start thinking what I needed to finish sending him on Monday. Which led to another thought ... gotta check on the status of that affidavit and waivers ... and, then WHOA! Shut up, brain! You're not at work!!

So, this morning, I told one of my coworkers about work thoughts invading my home life. She had to laugh. Not only is our office crazy busy, but the stress level can be unbelievable. And, yes, work is going to consume you .. if you let it. But, one thing she told me, is that once that starts happening, you know you're doing well, and you like it. 

She's not wrong. I do like it. The job, the people, the work. And, I am doing well ... at least I know I can hack it. 

Look at that, it's pau hana time already. And, I feel like I just got here. Time to split!